DD wants to be black

[cockneylass]

I am black, exDH is white. DD1 aged 7 has very fair skin and her hair is an unusual colour (not at all dark). She looks white. DD2 aged 5 has brown skin. We live in a very white area, but there are a handful of BAME children in their school.

DD1 has lately started saying that she wants to be a black woman, she wishes she was black, can she paint her skin brown, can she have surgery to change her skin colour. She says she wants to be a black woman because: black women are strong, they fight for their rights, she wants to have brown skin like me, and nobody else has her exact skin tone (I explained this is true for just about everyone!)

I don't know where to go with this. I have been explaining the usual that we all look different and it's great to be proud of me, she is part black but she should also be proud of her own skin and looks. I'm basically trying to have the same kind of conversation I would if brown DD2 came to me and said she wanted to change her skin (she has once said her sister has better skin than her because it's lighter 😞).

Any suggestions/advice??

[RedMarauder]

Lockdown has made it hard but you need to get both your children to interact with mixed ethnicity "looking" children and adults.

I didn't realise the adult aspect was important until my DD met one of my friends' when she was just over a year and just stared at her. There as she would interact with adults who were clearly black, white or from various Asian backgrounds.

My friend is actually black, but children don't realise unless they are around more black and mixed ethnicity people that black comes in lots of shades. Even many adults don't realise it due to the ignorant comments I've heard in real life and seen on MN.

Since DD started going to her childminder she has always been around at least one other mixed ethnicity child, so I wasn't worried about the child aspect but I had to make an effort to ensure she saw adults who looked similar to her.

[cockneylass]

She is surrounded by people that 'look like her' all day everyday! Classmates, Teachers. School staff, social circle etc. Extended family is more of a white mix. She looks white with unusual, striking hair colouring. I don't want her growing up wishing she was different. Has anyone else
Experienced this?

[Lockdownloks]

Maybe explain to her that not looking black doesn't mean you're not black.

My family are 1/4 black but they identify themselves as black, even though they look white IYSWIM.

It worked for them but perhaps it would still be quite confusing to a young girl. She will grow into her own, and have her own identity, which doesn't have to identify as one or the other.

I hope you get it sorted 😊

[1Micem0use]

Is she red haired? Maybe you could help her love that part of herself? It's the rarest hair colour in the world. Theres Ariel and the girl in Brave

[tigertreats]

It's really normal to want to look like your Mum. Maybe a compliment because she admires you? My niece when she was small wanted to change her hair colour to the colour that my sister and I have desperately. She then had a sister born with that colour hair and she loved her sister too much to be jealous but I think it bothered her.
Sounds like you're doing all the right things - as she grows in to herself and gets some confidence she may well learn she loves who she is. My niece has turned in to a very confident young lady and doesn't mention the hair colour any more.

[cockneylass]

Thank you all for your advice. ❤️

[Worried9]

I think it's wonderful that you've clearly provided her with great examples of role models of black women (who are strong and fight for their rights!). Not to presume that you're not doing already, but maybe an effort to provide her with a wide range of women from different racial backgrounds who are also strong and fight for their rights might help? Maybe try to find some examples of pale mixed race women who have achieved great things that she can look up to?

Also there are lots of wonderful age appropriate children's books about loving yourself - maybe they'd make good Christmas presents?

I'd try not to worry about it too much in case she picks up on any anxiety you might be feeling about it and that adds to her own negative emotions around the issue. If you keep sending messages of positivity and self love, it is likely that this will reach her over time.

[SavoyCabbage]

Being black is very of the moment just now and schools seem very conscious of doing the 'right thing'.

Both of my dc have noticed at their (separate) schools that they are doing a lot of lessons related to 'all things ethnic' as my dd put it. She's doing reggae music in music for example and my oldest didn't ever do that when she was at the same school. Little Rock nine in history etc. My oldest didn't do that either.

I work in two primary schools at the moment where I am on long term supply and at neither have I told them that my dc are black (I'm white) and I've really noticed staff talking about ensuring that we represent all races in our displays and the other things we are doing. There was much discussion about what colour paint to put out when we were painting nativity scenes this week for example.

[Littleyell]

I’m a bit surprised that your DD feels this way at 7 OP. Does she look white really? Is she fair skinned like Megan Markle?.

There’s lot of good books on Amazon (ethnic characters). Maybe you could buy her some. It’s difficult.