Mummy died this morning - not coping atm at all

[SalVolatile]

...but have to, four sake of dcs. Mum had had a failing heart condition for several years so I have watched her deteriorate for a long time now - just a gradual reduction in normal living, punctuated by the odd crisis. I thought I was doing ok tbh . Six weeks ago she went into a cardiac unit for drug management and came out with untreated cellulitis - I had her moved into a wonderful nursing home for respite care, and for 4 weeks she was doing really well, back to doing crosswords and eating again. Then the cellulitis turned into an arterial ulcer and the pain was agonising. She has been in terrible pain for the last fortnight despite drugs and I knew she was losing the battle. In addition the Gp thought she was showing signs of stomach cancer or bladder cancer but she was too weak to investigate. She deteriorated really fast over the last few days and I spent last night in her room, watching as she sat upright fighting the terrible pain and retching, losing all sense of dignity, she was fretful, stroppy, scared and just so, so ill. . I didn't sit and hold her hand and I so wish I had; instead I kept trying to make her more comfortable and deal with her which I think was wrong. I didn't use the time to tell her how I loved her, I just concentrated on trying to stop her falling over or off the bed, and I think I made things worse . It reminded me of how, in late stage labour you just go into yourself and the pain and get angry with everyone around.

Finally she got cross because I couldn't understand she wanted something, made a superhuman effort to rise from her chair and turn, and fell. I caught her before she hit the furniture and heard her death rattle. After the nurses came in and laid her out I sat with her until the dawn rose and watched her change from my mother to a corpse if that makes sense.

I can't sleep, I can't forget how she was in her final hours and I can't shake this horror that I didn't do what I should. Why didn't I hold her hand? I knew she was dying, I didn't want her to be alone, but I never knew that death was like this. Does anyone out there know what I am feeling and can share helpful thoughts? Please? Sorry this was long and tmi.....

[Overmydeadbody]

I'm so so sorry for your loss Sal

[SalVolatile]

Hugs to you too, Mumoverseas....

[SalVolatile]

Mulranno - your words are truly inspirational, and a great comfort. I have organised the funeral, which is on Tuesday, and have to read a prayer that she asked me to read....it is so hard so I will do what you did...but I am dreading seeing the coffin being interred..

[mulranno]

Hi Sal...we were around for each other on a
daily/weekly basis all of our lives. We were not sentimental with each other ...cant remember saying "I love you" to her...or vice versa...but the reality was there is what we did, how we behaved. An important breakthru for me was remembering that I would keep on loving her...oyr relationship was not over. Mumoverseas..."enjoy"..the funeral...although hideous ...we did ours with pride...I stood up and did the eulogy...I found strength...others were amazed that I could do it....but I just said I this is the last thing I can do for her and I did it with my very best effort...we also carried the coffin ...she had 5 daughters and 2 sons so it was a powerful sigt watching the 7 of us carry her coffin...I take pride and feel good about the stunning funeral...it as passionate , theathrical and larger than life...I feel proud that we never left her side from the moment she started to feel unwell, thru the hideous months in hospital...I would give anything to be back there again...this is real pain

[mumoverseas]

Hi Sal,
hope you are doing better today. I imagine you are very much like I am at the moment, I keep having periods of time when I'm holding it together pretty well (probably for the sake of the children) then I suddenly burst into tears and poor DH doesn't know what to do.
I keep going over in my head the last things we said when we last spoke and trying to remember if I'd said 'I love you' before I hung up. I'm pretty sure I did and funnily enough, the last few months we always ended our calls with 'god bless' which is something she always said and I'd recently started doing.

Have let my aunt get on with the proper order of service with all the churchy mumbo jumbo as she is a nun and understands it better than me. I've prepared what I think is a lovely memorial booklet with two poems that mum wrote after her first son died aged 3 and also some information about her favourite charity (GOSH) and asking for donations to there. She would have hated people 'wasting' money on flowers and I remember for her birthday and mothers day she'd always tell me off for sending flowers so I'd always get a plant instead.

Sorry your sister has been taking over, but I'm glad you got to choose the casket. I had to let my brother choose it as I couldn't get to the funeral directors but I'd asked him to choose the same as we had for dad.
Ref flowers, I got quite annoyed when we talked about it as he said 'well C (his girlfriend) thinks we should get ....) I felt like screaming what the hell has it got to do with her, she was OUR mum. In the end, I got my choice which was red roses as I remember mum chose those for dad's coffin as it was what they had at their wedding. One of the hymns is also what they had at their wedding.

Am trying to practice reading one of the poems my mum wrote without breaking down but not doing too well

Hugs to you Sal x

[SalVolatile]

Thumb you have made me feel better , and BMF (great name) your words of wisdom have truly helped me in the last 24 hours......honestly.
Mulranno, that's exactly the sort of night I spent and so you know what I feel about the loss of dignity, the agitation and the anger which nothing had prepared me for . How did you get to understanding that you loved and cherished each other - I keep trying to remember when I last said it to her etc .

Mumoverseas - yes, I am sitting here about to type the order of service out and email it to the undertaker, and I'm too tired to argue with my bloody sister who is insisting on doing her own thing even though Mummy wanted garden flowers and everything simple.....

On the upside, I have chosen a beautiful willow casket (oval, not coffin shaped) that is Fair Trade, eco friendly, and I am going to strew it with roses from her garden, lavender and a prayer from her youngest grandchild, and when I look at the picture the undertaker gave me of the coffin I feel at peace xxx to you all for helping me through this

[mumoverseas]

Hi Sal, I'm busy organising the funeral too and sorting out a memorial booklet/order of service. I find if I'm busy doing stuff like that it sort of takes the edge of the pain if you see what I mean. I am trying to think positive thoughts such as that I believe (I have to) that she is now happy and with my brother who died when he was 3 years old. If I think along those lines, I 'should' be happy for her and she is not suffering any more.
Chin up sweetie, we can get through this together x

[mulranno]

Sal, I am so sorry for your loss. Your head might well churn with images and details from the final hours for months. this is all part of processing the shock...let it do its job the good memories will come back and the dark stuff will fade. my mum died a nasty death a few months back...she fought, it was ugly, undignified and she was in extreme pain...I had read on a website to whisper let go in to their ear. I did this and feel guilty for saying that. I also nodded off and had to be woken for her final moments...again feel guilty...when I had arrived at the hospital in the morning she was being carried like a rag doll over a camode I was shocked and immediately texted my sister to come in. I did not think she was dying then....she got angry with me and asked me to help the nurse. She was very aggitated and that was the last time she spoke top me. From then on she just struggled through 24hrs of hell...and another minute would have been too much. I cling to the fact that I was blessed to have had a wonderful wonderful Mum...I adored her she cherished me ... we both knew that.
very tough days ahead for you...talk it out ...to anyone who will listen...eventually you will have a version of events that you can live with.

[LightShinesInTheDarkness]

BMF & thumb - what lovely posts for Sal.
We are all thinking about you, S. Wishing you lots of strength in the coming days.

[BanjoMyFanjo]

Sal, think, if you can, about the whole life you had with your mum rather then the final hours. Imagine her on a day like today ..... would she be sitting in the shade wearing a floppy straw hat as you laughed about how once the weather changes she found it far too hot, or would she be telling you to get into a short sleeved top and get the sun on you, we won't have it for long you know.

You have to try to get past that horrible thought. Your Mum was a wonderful Mum, full of love and nurturing. She will be proud of you.

[thumbwitch]

so sorry for your loss
Your mum would have known that you were trying to do your best for her - the fact that you were there is the most important thing, not what you were doing.

Having sat through the night with my family, pretty much waiting for my Mum to die, which she finally did in the early hours of the morning, I think you can only be thankful that you were with her at the end and that she wasn't alone. Nothing you could have done would have made it any easier, I'm sure - and this kind of guilt will eat away at you.

Look at the positives, forget the negatives and remember your mum as the wonderful person she was.

[SalVolatile]

Hi Lightshines.. have been organising funeral and fielding phone calls; seem to hold it together and then irrationally I just think 'I want her back' and that breaks my heart. Also keep replaying her last hours which doesn't help but i guess my brain needs to do that at the moment

[BanjoMyFanjo]

God, i am so sorry for you. Take comfort that you with with her and that will have helped her. My Dad was alone when he died and I have never been able to get the image out of my head. I have so many unanswered questions about that time. God bless you all.

[LightShinesInTheDarkness]

Hi Sal - have been thinking about you since saw your OP. How have you been coping?

[SalVolatile]

mumoverseas , what can I say.....

[Bucharest]

So sorry for your loss.xx
You too, mumoverseas.xx

[Hassled]

I'm so sorry. What an awful way to see a loved one go. But you were there, you were with her, you did everything you could to make her comfortable. You wouldn't have made anything worse - imagine if she had spent that awful night on her own, and how horrible that would have been for her. You sound like a caring and loving daughter - please don't beat yourself up with the "what ifs".

[mumoverseas]

so sorry for your loss Sal. I know only too well how you feel as I lost my mother last week.
As others have said, the main thing is, you were there. That is so important. My lovely mother died on her own on her bedroom floor and was found the next day by my brother. I can't get out of my head the fact that she died all alone. I'd have given anything to have been with her for her last moments but I hadn't seen her since December, something which I will never forgive myself for.

Your mother knew you loved her as you were there with her for the end. That is so important. Hugs to you, we will both be going through the same emotions over the coming weeks and months. x

[cornsilk]

Very sorry for your loss

[MrsEricBana]

I'm so sorry Sal. Definitely don't beat yourself up - who knows what is the right thing to do in this situation, and I think by trying to help her you were doing your absolute loving best. I sat with my father for hours when he died (October) and I had no clue what to do - I sat there squeezing his hand and prattling away and I don't know whether that was the right thing to do, but as he was sedated it was only thing I could do, but in your case I think I would have done exactly the same. When MIL died I didn't say all the things I wanted to because I felt it would have frightened her if I was obviously saying my final words to her. Although I was very glad I was with my father when he died I was very shocked for a couple of weeks, but now I do remember him before he was ill and what I did remember from the day has receded now. Please don't be hard on yourself, you sound like a very loving and caring daughter. Hope the sorting out is not too much to deal with. Lots of love to you.

[EachPeachPearMum]

So sorry for your loss

[stillenacht]

so sorry SalVolatile You were there for your darling mum xxxx

[SalVolatile]

God, it really helps to see your messages - I do have dh around but I can't say how I feel in RL at the moment because A) i would fall apart and B) I have 4 siblings but I am tasked with sorting her estates (long story). Policywonk you are right, I think: I was so rational for quite a while about the fact she was dying I actually blanked it emotionally at the time it was right in front of me . Wrinklytum at 2am I asked the nurse to call the GP and see if they could sedate her but he refused because her blood pressure was so low.....I know why he decided that way but in a kind world she would have been sedated

[hippocampus]

I'm really sorry for you.

I did exactly the same in my Dad's last hours because to sit and hold his hand and tell him how much I loved him would have been to concede defeat and accept that he was about to die.

You were there for her, I think that's all that can matter x