No enthusiasm for anything

[CanadianJohn]

My wife died a few days ago, after 47 years together, and I'm "stuck". What I mean is, I now live alone in a house that's far too large. During my wife's final illness, the house descended into chaos, and I have no enthusiasm for cleaning/tidying. The house also needs significant renovations, which I'll get to some day, I suppose.

So, I'm lonely, I'm bored, I have no enthusiasm for doing any of the zillion jobs that need doing. There are closets that I haven't opened in 10 years, drawers with mysterious contents. In the course of re-arranging rooms to accommodate a hospital bed, a lift chair, a commode, and all the medical paraphenalia, a lot of furniture got moved into strange locations.

And I just can't get my ass in gear.

[WelcomeMarch]

Good god, man, give yourself a break and time to breathe. You have been through a tremendous loss and a very hard time before that.

Eat, drink and possibly watch something funny or gentle. The chaos can wait.

[Tcateh]

It's normal. Not your situation but the place you're in.

Time slows down to something you can't fit into.
I feel for you very much. You just exist amongst the chaos.
That can be just the simplest thing like unwashed dishes. It's so so hard to get small things done or to even think the thought about getting a very small thing done.
My mum died 6 months ago, at home.
Yesterday we just about had the inclination to sort some of the paraphernalia you spoke of.
It had been in a spare room.

We did a bit.

I just wanted you to know it's normal and that you're not alone.

I'm very sorry for your loss.
Xxx

[Tanaqui]

Don't worry. Just wait. You don't have to do anything yet, unless it would help you. Focus on eating, maybe some fresh air, and perhaps spending time with friends family if that might help. Or just emread, watch TV. Time will pass and one day you will want to do it. Take care.

[Noseyoldcow]

Sorry for your loss. You are likely still in shock, and your emotions must be all over the place, and you're probably also feeling a bit depressed, hence the "can't be arsed" attitude.
I am lucky enough to still have my spouse, and we are both of the "why do today what you can leave until tomorrow" philosophy. So there are loads of jobs that need doing. And that's just fine. We will get around to them when we get around to them. And you will too.
I'm not so very relaxed about cleaning, although my husband is. I do not want to live in a health hazard, so I do enough to keep on top of that. If you're really finding even that too much, I suggest you get a cleaner in. Living in a shithole will bring you down even more.

[MontyDonsBlueScarf]

You're expecting too much of yourself. My DH died 15 months ago and I was only thinking yesterday that I wish I could find some enthusiasm for something - anything.

What does help me is to try to find a daily gratitude, even if it's a tiny tiny thing.

I also belong to an extraordinarily helpful grief support group on Facebook, DM me if you'd like details.

I'd be wary of allowing family to drop in and help you 'tidy up and get organised', my DH'S family did this in an attempt to be helpful but it just left me feeling invaded and as if my house wasn't my own. But do get a cleaner, that way you can stay in control.

Don't feel you have to get rid of anything yet. There's plenty of time for decisions later.

Things will get better but it won't necessarily be either linear or perceptible. For now, try to eat a little, exercise a little, sleep a little. If you manage that you'll be doing well.

[billyt]

@CanadianJohn

Really sorry. I'm in the exact same predicament. It sucks.

My wife passed away in January after suffering for a couple of years, and we were married for a similar amount of years. I still can't be bothered to do the many small jobs I need to do. Like you the house is too big and too full of her things. Can't bear to get rid of a single thing as it would be like I'd be 'deleting' her bit by bit.

Take your time, there is no rush and no time scales. I'm not sure if you're like me, but I hide how I'm feeling from others, which probably isn't the best thing but I let go in private.

I'm lucky that I have two adult daughters that care about me but also I appreciate they thought the world of their mum and they are suffering too.

I really, really understand the pain, loss, emptiness and personally I wish I could turn back the clock and have her back from before she started to deteriorate.

We had a cleaner because I was struggling to look after the house as well as my wife and I've asked her to continue. It's one less thing to worry about.

You need to look after yourself as that is what your wife would want.

Good luck

[Anguish]

I had a printed life size pillow made of my late DP, which I keep in the bed and lavish with affection. Does it help? I can't say.