Advice for supporting children when they lose their mum

[Jones3A]

Our very dear friend is in end of life care, and will soon leave behind 3 children, 9 year old twins and an 11 year old. 💔

We and our own children would like to support them as best we can when the time comes. (And their dad of course).

Has anyone been in this position on either side - as the supportive friends or the bereaved parent and could kindly share some advice or wisdom?

So far I can think of the children writing to them (they live 5 hours away 😕) occasional staying nearby and taking them for days out, or walks with their dog. And these of course bring the added benefit of giving their dad some time for himself.

Is there anything else we could do?

[SoManyQuestionsSoMuchSadness]

Hi Jones,

im not sure how much I can help, we lost our daughter at the end of jan so just passing on what has been recommended to us and little bits I’ve read and initial personal experiences.

A photo book. I don’t know if it’s possible to work with your friend now and put some of her favourite photos and photos of her and the children into a photo book. We’ve been recommended this a lot. Then the children can get it out and see happy memories whenever they want to

My son got very into an Xbox game when we first lost his sister. I think it was to take his mind off it. Maybe you could get something similar for the children that they can disappear into and have a break for a bit?

We also played a lot of uno or other board games to have the family together but distracted so maybe bring over some games when you see them

Like you say getting them out the house whenever you can will be fantastic.

Filling up the fridge with easy meals was helpful for us too. All our brain power was being used up and if I’d had to think about and make food I just wouldn’t have eaten

Not ignoring it and finding subtle ways to bring her up in conversation. Stories of happy memories, funny things she did etc

I saw a post on mumsnet that said instead of how are you? You could try how is today going?

I hope some of these things help and don’t worry if you can’t do many of them from 5 hours away I think just trying to do something and checking in means a lot

[Gazelda]

How sad for the family. And for you.

My mum died when I was very young and I really wish I knew more about her. What was her favourite pop group. Who she had a crush on growing up. Whether she took sugar in her tea. Where she went on holiday. What books she loved. What made her laugh. Who were her best friends. Where was her and dad's first date. What age did she start her periods (to give me an idea when mine might start, not any other weird reason!).

If you are one of her oldest friends, it would be lovely if you could send a postcard if you're ever visiting somewhere you went with their mum. "Saw this and it reminded me of when mum and I went skinny dipping!" "This is where mum forgot to put film in her camera" "mum told me she went here with your grandparents and they got lost on the way home".

Days out. Be a mentor. Always be around when they're going through life stages eg GCSEs choices, driving test etc.

They will appreciate you and your family for caring so much and it says an awful lot about how wonderful their mum is to have such special friends.

[Run4it2]

The main thing is to be around regularly, so you're a steady presence. I live in the UK but go to Ireland every 4/5 weeks and have my nephew for a couple of nights - gives his dad a break and also builds my bond with my nephew. I got a memory toy made out of some of my sister's clothes - pm me if you want details of who I used. Wasn't something my bil would have thought of but they really appreciated it

[Matobe]

This charity is incredible https://www.winstonswish.org/

[muggart]

My father died when I was little and when I turned 18 I was given a letter to me which had been written by his boss at the time of his death. It talked about what my father was like and included lots of memories of him. It was the most wonderful thoughtful gift I will ever receive in my life.

So yeh... do that now to give to them when they're older. They will cherish it.

[Chocolatewizard]

I lost my partner when my daughter was very young. My experience has been that lots of people promise to stay in touch and be around for the long haul, but after the first couple of years people drift away, especially if you're a friend of the deceased rather than the parent left behind, who you might not naturally have much of a bond with. That's not a judgement on people it's just how life goes. For that reason I would encourage you to write about their mum and all your memories of her and photos and send that letter now because even with the best of intentions you might not be in their lives in 10-15 years.

I have lost touch with a lot of my dp's friends because without him we gradually found didn't have much to talk about beyond the person who died. You need to prepare yourself to build a new friendship with the husband once your friend is gone, and it's quite a tricky dynamic to navigate.

In practical terms the single most helpful thing people have done for me is provide childcare. Since I became a lone parent I have gone literally months at a time without an evening off, it's so relentless and leaves so little time to grieve. I hope your friend's husband has a supportive family (which sadly I don't) but yes, your suggestion of days out is a good one and if you could manage the odd overnight I'm sure he'd be grateful to you forever. I have one family friend who takes my daughter overnight occasionally so I can have an evening out and I can't put into words how much I appreciate it.

I find I manage okay day to day but struggle with the big events like birthdays. One of the best things someone did for me was take over organising my daughter's birthday party when I was really struggling to find the headspace. I've also had friends attend school shows and other performances because as a lone parent working full time I find it hard to get to everything. It's lovely when people remember anniversaries, birthdays and big life events like changing school. I don't know how feasible these things would be for you but just some ideas.

[Yogatoga1]

As the child probably the thing I most wished for is for someone to say to me that I could call/visit them if I needed, anytime of the day or night. For anything. Chances are I wouldn’t take them up on it - see below, I definitely felt expected to move on and not bother anyone with my silly problems. But knowing someone was there would have made a difference.

make sure they get counselling. Children are not resilient, they don’t adapt quickly, and don’t just get on with their lives.

[PutASpellOnYou]

The surviving parent will need all the help he can, because he will be trying to manage his own grief whilst dealing with his childrens, and trying to do everything else.
Just ask him, tell him you want to help, what can you do?

[Hoplolly]

@Gazelda That is really helpful to know. A friend of mine died recently and I have a pile of stuff from our teenage years that I could share with her children.

[Jones3A]

I can't thank you all enough for sharing the things you have.
I'm so sorry for the losses you've experienced that have led to your words of advice, but I'm grateful that they will help us support our friends.
Our beautiful friend passed in the early hours of this morning, and we are heading down to stay for the long weekend, on Friday morning.
Thank you for the ideas for the children we will definitely write letters as suggested, and perhaps leave them with their dad for safekeeping.
I am very glad to say that he, his wife, and we are all part of a large circle of committed, creative and kind friends, so I am very optimistic that her husband (my DH's best friend) will be well supported and inundated with offers. For us, he's a life long friend, my husband's closest, and so we will hopefully always be a big part of each other's lives. My DH is a godparent to their eldest and are children are all quite close.
I will share your thoughts above with him, too, when he's ready. The advice around counselling for the children is helpful. We're hoping to take them off his hands as much as we can/is appropriate over the coming days, and have given him an open invitation to our family's holiday home in north wales, when they're ready for a change of scene.
Again, thank you all. I'm heartbroken, and so grateful to you.

[Jones3A]

@Chocolatewizard I am so sorry for your loss. I am certain our friendship group will be excellent at things like party planning (her children's birthdays all fall within a week of one another) and providing practical support. So I shall be sure to point that out as something we can help him to do this summer.
Between us we have visiting covered (we all stay nearby the family home) over the next few weeks, so should hopefully be able to give him space while we occupy the children, in this particular stage of grief.
After that, we'll do our collective best to heed your advice and ensure he always has offers of support and invitations for either himself or the children.
They're fortunate to have close, loving family very nearby, and friends who are willing and able to travel.
We will do our level best to help them navigate what's ahead for them all.
Thank you again.

[Daz57]

I am so sorry for your loss. So desperately sad for you all.
I lost my beloved daughter five years ago when her little boy was eight. He stays with us every few weeks and we talk about mummy. I am making a book about her, where she was born, little stories about her childhood.
We also took part in a bereavement course run by Child Bereavement UK, who were so helpful and lovely and they have lots of resources.
How lovely that you want to be part of the children’s lives. So important that they are surrounded by love.

[Jones3A]

@SoManyQuestionsSoMuchSadness I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your daughter. Would you like to talk about her?
Thank you for the kind advice. If we were closer I would be chief freezer-filler, that's for sure. In the reality of our great distance, I was thinking about placing a big Cook order to be delivered to them instead.
The other things you mention are all well-noted and I will try. Thank you again.

[Jones3A]

Hello @Gazelda - thank you for your message and kind words, and I'm sorry you didn't get to know things about your mum that you'd have loved to.
We are not amongst her oldest friends, but through the "guideparent" group they formed when they knew her illness was terminal, we have a great little network which includes some of those. I will pass that idea to them, it's lovely.
In terms of the mentoring and being there for the children this for sure we can and will do.
My DH is GP to one of the 3, and our other very dear friend who also lives near us, is GP to another. So there are in effect 6 adults (and their respective partners, myself included) who are deeply attached to the family and speak regularly to share thoughts on how best to support them. They're very special, and I'm so glad they're going be there to provide that network for the kids as they grow.

[Jones3A]

@Run4it2 they are very lucky to have you, that's a wonderful thing you're doing

[Jones3A]

@Matobe thank you, I have heard of Winstons, will check our friend has it on his radar.
@muggart Thank you this is a beautiful idea and we will for sure.

[Jones3A]

@Yogatoga1 Heartbroken for you, too. Thank you, we will do this.
@PutASpellOnYou for sure, we absolutely will.
@Daz57 thank yo so much and I'm so dreadfully sorry to hear about your daughter. These are lovely ideas, thank you for sharing them.

[Wallywobbles]

I lost my mum at 7. My siblings were 10, 14 & 16.

Talk to the kids about their mum. Without too many tears and regrets. Talk about memories, what she was like as a friend etc. Because they won't know who she was through adult eyes.

Find out about their births and pregnancies if possible because I had no idea. And I had questions from doctors I couldn't answer.

Write it down if you can. Knowing more about who you cane from is so important. All those stories about her.

[caringcarer]

Try the Ruth Straus foundation. Free counselling for children who have lost a parent.