When will I stop crying Every. Single. Day?

[Menthol8]

My sister died by suicide just before Christmas. We weren't even particularly close (or at least, our relationship wasn't what people expect from sisters!), she was much younger than me so we had never even lived together. She had been extremely mentally ill for many years and basically life with her was chaotic and extremely difficult for everyone close to her.

But. I'm fucking broken. I still cry about it multiple times a day. It doesn't help that I almost feel like a fraud for having this much grief when we had such a fractured and difficult relationship. I have only a couple of people who understand enough to talk to about it, most people just don't "get" the complexity of the situation and aren't really able to offer me much support. But I don't want to put too much upon those people and wear out their sympathy or give them more to deal with on top of their own feelings and lives.

I don't even know what I'm hoping for by posting about it. I just want to know when I'll feel less...raw about it all. Less guilty. Less broken.

What are you thinking when you are crying? Is it that you missed the chance to renew a relationship with her? Or guilty that she had the life she had and you didn't? Or are you sad for your parents?
If you seem to be stuck in a cycle of grief maybe you need to try to identify the part that is making you cry the most, have a conversation with yourself as if it is someone talking to you as a good friend to see how you can resolve it. Possibly would help to talk to a grief expert on this to help you find a way to delay with the biggest issues.
It's a terrible thing to happen to your sister and also terrible for you and her family. You are still here and hopefully have a life to still live.

no one can answer that, unfortunately. Eventually you'll go a day, then two, then three, then maybe back to just one day... it's not a linear journey. You just have to let yourself know that it's OK to feel like that. It's absolutely fine to not be OK.

You've lost both the sister you had, the sister she used to be before mental illness took over and the sister she could have been. It's even less straightforward than an "ordinary" bereavement.

I've lost both parents fairly recently and it still hits me. I let myself feel the loss and then take a deep breath and reassure myself that it's all OK. It passes and I can think of the happy times.

you'll get there

It's been more than three years since I lost my husband. As SoupDragon says, it's not a linear journey.

I'm going through a bit of a slump at the moment. Usually, it happens after I've had to deal with some other problem. That gets resolved, the pressure comes off and then I find myself in another bereavement slump.

Sending you best wishes OP.

I'm really sorry, it's awful. The more complicated relationship, the more complicated grief. Suicide is the hardest grief I think. This organisation is really good: uksobs.com/ , visit the forum , you might find it helpful too.

Sorry to hear this 😔 It’s still early days…it will get easier I promise. 🌷

Why don't you get a counsellor or therapist to talk this all through with, you don't have to worry about wearing out their sympathy then. It sounds like you need help processing it all and so it could be really helpful if you find the right person.

It's just normal grieving unfortunately - it hits you in ways you will never imagine and it leaves you reeling. Gradually it does get better, I promise, and you start to smile at the memories rather than crying at the awful loss. The suicide of a loved one is a whole different thing to go through though, and the uksobs organisation that a pp linked to is really good. I'm so sorry this has happened to you all

Grief as a result of suicide is described as 'grief with the volume turned up'.

It's true.

It's also very recent. Suicide bereavement counselling (specific) is wonderful. Approach charities near you.

Grief does not have any time scale or any particular route to navigate through. Suicide leaves so many questions OP. My partner died through suicide. It was over 2 years ago and it is still very raw. I have read quite a bit on grief and suicide. It has been described as a ripple effect, that is it affects so many, those in the middle of the ripple and further out. . Sometimes we are more affected by things than we expect. I would say be kind to yourself OP. Perhaps you could explore the idea of counselling?

I'm so sorry. My husband died by his own hand. I think our son was worst affected, then probably in the long term his siblings. Their relationship wasn't simple though it was affectionate.

Has anyone given you a copy if Help is at Hand? It's an NHS booklet for people bereaved by suicide with all kinds of relationship to the person, and I thought it was very good. You can read it online. It has links for grief counselling among other things.

I'm so sorry. It's still very early days, your feelings sound natural and valid.

Has anybody signposted you to any of the bereavement charities? There's a page here about losing a sibling including complicated relationships. You're not a fraud and it might be comforting to read and see how other people have similar reactions. https://www.sueryder.org/grief-support/about-bereavement-and-grief/sibling/

The booklet op mentions is this one. At the very end of the page there is a link to either download it or order a free paper copy: https://www.gov.uk/government/news/you-are-not-alone-help-is-at-hand-for-anyone-bereaved-by-suicide

Cruse and Marie Curie also have bereavement support services. You don't have to go through this alone.

Thank you all for your replies ❤️

I probably should look into grief counselling, I just struggle with the feeling that I shouldn't feel this level of grief under the circumstances. Like I'd be wasting their time and mine, and that I should leave the real grieving to our parents who devoted their entire lives to caring for her for so long. I'm not particularly close to my parents either. It's all so tangled.

Lots of people have suggested I remember the happy times and that's hard because, if I'm honest, pretty much all my memories are...well... complicated. I can hardly bear to say this but as well as the grief and the guilt I have an uneasy but definite sense of relief. Which makes me feel even guiltier whenever I acknowledge it's presence.

You are grieving a very very complex situation.

Much harder than normal grief.
You are not wasting time.
Can you rebuild with your parents?
She probably took up all the airtime and you had no support. No need to feel guilty about it.

Counsellor will help you feel less guilty.

Of course relief. I'm sure your parents feel that too.

OP sorry to say the opposite of the others but it's a little too soon to go into therapy, it is not really recommended this soon. Unfortunately you have to feel the grief.
There will be what if's, should have's and could have's plus anger, guilt, heartbreak et they are all normal feelings after a suicide unfortunately.
Please talk to the friends/partner who understand honestly they can and will cope with that, in fact they will expect it, they will be strong for you.
At this point any emotion you feel will be natural and ok, cry you are not a robot, this will always be raw but you will live, you will smile again.

I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. I lost my brother to an overdose. The coroner decided it wasn’t suicide but we will never know for sure. I think this added an extra layer of guilt to my grief. I too had a complex relationship with my brother. He was 18 years younger than me and we had never lived together. He too had serious mental health problems. I cried every day after he died. After 6 months my husband sought out a therapist for me. I felt embarrassed going at first. Like I didn’t have the right to. But gradually talking it through started to help. It’s been 2 and a half years since my brother died. I don’t think I will ever stop crying or feeling guilty completely. It will always be with me but the load certainly doesn’t feel as heavy as it once did.
Please be kind to yourself. And I would highly recommend talking to a professional.

Your bereavement was recent, traumatic and complicated and then you are telling yourself you don't have the right to feel how you feel. It's no wonder you're so distressed. You dont need to think about whether you have the right to feel how you feel, definitely look at some counselling. My sister has been chronologically mentally ill for most her adult life. We were always chalk and cheese but used to share a bedroom and be close. We also experienced trauma together which I managed to escape and she didn't because of our different experience within the family and natural characteristics. We're one step away from estrangement and most of the family cannot see her ever getting better now. Sometimes she disappears and makes everyone worried she ended her life then reappears almost pleased at the impact she's had. I'm the only one who has managed to have consistent boundaries around her as well as the rest of my family. Sometimes there is so little of who she used to be left beyond the illness that it's like she's a ghost. I will be devastated when she dies, more so if it's premature and traumatic. Grief isn't a logic problem it's an emotional problem so you can't solve it with logic. I hope things start gradually improving for you

Suicide is a very, very hard thing to come to terms with. An old friend and colleague of mine died by suicide last year and like you I felt like a fraud for struggling so much to come to terms with what happened, as another poster mentioned it does have a ripple effect and impacts on so many people. You have every right to feel what you feel, and when you're ready you might want to talk through your feelings with a counsellor to help you process them 💜

I felt like this when I lost my big sister to cancer a few years ago. She was much older than me and we were very different people. She was very loud and outgoing and I'm very quiet. After she died I felt terrible guilt that I hadn't made enough effort with over the years. I had a few sessions with a counsellor and talked it all through and it helped.