We can’t even go in the house

[Thby2023]

3 months ago, my healthy, active, normal and wonderful mum was taken to hospital because her face looked like it had slightly dropped. I was 36 weeks pregnant, my sister was 20 weeks pregnant and it was the day before my 30th birthday and we were all going away for the night to celebrate. Today we’ve put the notice out for her funeral.

She was diagnosed with lung cancer that spread to her brain. It obviously wasn’t curable, but got told treatable and she was given medication to fight it. She was so scared and wanted to live. She hated that she had such an illness when she had always looked after her body and even tried to get more healthy to fight it. She was happy to meet my baby but so sad and scared on other occasions it’s broken my heart. We lost her last Saturday. She had a stroke like seizure on Monday night, after being with me all day, fell asleep in hospital and never came home. She didn’t want to leave the house and kept asking for us to take her home.

We have such a close family, saw my mum daily, she was so excited to finally get granddaughters as we only had boys before. The family home we grew up in, my mum and dads dream home, the one where all our memories are that me and my sister have jumped in and out of, just feels awful now.

My dad is living with my sister. None of us can cope going back into our family home. The neighbours are feeding the cats. When you enter everything that my mum left there, that she planned to pick back up, is sat still waiting. The books she bought on cancer to help her body are where she sat and the book on positive manifestations to beat it has writing in it. It is utterly heartbreaking to step into the house that my mum lovingly decorated, filled with her things. We were all so unprepared for this that we can’t face it.

I was wondering if there was anyone here who had this experience and how did they get through it? We can’t bare to have my dad live in there by himself, it’s pretty big and seems like a ghost house now. How did you face it? Any tips to deal with it?

[Thby2023]

She was only 62. Looked late 40s. Active with a job and a wonderful life. She lived for us. It’s just a massive tragedy we’re having to live through.

[Dacadactyl]

I'm so sorry to hear this and although I have not been through similar, I hope you dont mind if I comment. It must've been a terrible shock for you all.

I would say that it is very, very early days for you yet and don't feel like you have to rush into anything with the house. When the time comes, ask a friend to collect any books or other items that you don't want to see before you go into the house.

Just concentrate on getting through her funeral for now. Don't put any pressure on yourself.

Maybe speak with Macmillan for emotional support as well https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/supporting-someone/coping-with-bereavement

With a new baby, HomeStart may also be a good shout.

Contact your friends, cousins, other relatives, if you feel it would be useful to have them do any of the practical stuff that needs doing and take people up on any offers of help.

[LadyCorkberry]

My husband died last year after surgery. He was only 58 and I'm now alone in the family home. It feels empty and lonely. Making changes to the house has helped a little, but I've now decided the only way to move on is to move to a house that's mine rather than ours. OP I'm so sorry for your loss.
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[EllieQ]

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I had a similar situation with my dad, who died a couple of months after being diagnosed with lung cancer. He spent his last two weeks in a hospice, so we did have some time to prepare. The house felt so strange without him. I remember that his slippers were still there in the usual spot under the sideboard, and we didn’t move them for months.

My sister and I had both moved away from our home town, so there wasn’t the option of mum staying elsewhere after dad had died - we both stayed at the house with her instead. Looking back, I can see it was probably better in some ways to get over that emptiness sooner rather than later, but it was raw at times. I’m sorry to say that the only way to get through it was to endure, and keep going, and we’d had the benefit of a few weeks to prepare ourselves. Eventually seeing your mum’s things will prompt happy memories, and the comfort of her still being with you, but it takes a while.

On a practical note, do you have any other relatives or close friends who could go into the house and perhaps tidy away things your mum had left, like the book, just so they’re not lying around the house. It might be easier knowing you won’t see those things straight away.

[Thby2023]

Thanks for your responses💕 I’m so so sorry about your dad. It’s awful.

right now, I can’t see 5 minutes into the future. Just feel like I will never be happy again.. which is an awful thing to say when you have two children. I just want my mum

[notgettinganyyounger]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I also couldn't bear to go in the house to start with. Like you say, it's the little things that are left behind like glasses, little notes, shoes etc.

I did find it quite comforting after a while, a place I felt close to my mum. It's a terrible shock for you right now, but you will find it easier the more you visit. Xx

[Gingerlygreen]

So sorry to hear about your Mum, she sounds like a wonderful person.

I lost my Dad suddenly when my baby was 7 days old to an Aneurysm, he spent his last evening talking about holidays with Mum and said he didn't want to book anything as he didn't want to leave his new granddaughter.
He stayed up later than Mum and she found him dead in the morning sitting on the settee.

Like you the house felt unbearable, his coffee cup and glasses were on the table, his slippers next to him, his post still on the worktop, tools out from where he'd been doing diy that day. It was horrific.

It's such a cliche but it's time that helps, next week is the 11 year anniversary and I've been in tears over him today but it's much less now. I can talk about him and over time I realised how lucky I was to have him and it only hurts so much because he was so amazing and I'd rather have the best Dad in the world for 38 years than a rubbish Dad for 60.

It's incredibly early days for you and you have the shock as well as the grief to deal with, it's not like she was very elderly and frail and a good thing that she's at peace, you'll have a lot of anger and frustration to deal with too.
Just be kind to yourself, scream, cry, shout, do whatever you feel to get through these early days.

Maybe pop back to the house for an hour at a time, move the things that make it look like she's about to walk back in.

My Mum emptied Dad's wardrobe within a week because it was breaking her heart even more whereas her friend still has her deceased husbands clothes 2 years on.
There will be no easy way for you all to get through it but it definitely will get better over time xx