Dealing with guilt after losing parent as a teenager…9 years on

[Harvestmoom]

My amazing mam died when I was 18. She was poorly with cancer for a year and we knew it was coming.

The last few days it has hit me like a ton of bricks. I have a two month old and it’s brought along so many emotions along with this grief and also anxiety over something happening to me or them.

the biggest problem is the guilt I feel for how I dealt with her illness and death. I had an awful emotionally abusive boyfriend at the time, I didn’t see it that way then - I was more bothered about spending time with him and my friends than making the most of my last year with my gorgeous mother.

I just feel so incredibly bad about the way I acted, she had to spend her last year knowing she was leaving me behind and I wasn’t there for her. She was my best friend before this, I think the pain was too hard for me to deal with so I stuck my head in the sand- have done ever since and always thought one day it will hit me. If it happened now I would look after her and give her my all.

Ive also been having t thoughts about my children dying, or me dying and leaving them behind. Having to break that news to them like my mam did and then going through what she did all the while remembering how I reacted back then.

I’ve got an appointment with the gp to maybe get some medication to deal with the worrying thoughts and then also signed up for grief counselling. I’ve never had it.

what do I want?? Not sure. I want someone to tell me she wouldn’t hate me and would forgive me. She was the most selfless person ever so deep down I know that I guess. Or if someone has similar feelings I’d love to talk and know I’m not alone

thanks

[waterlellon]

You were a child. There is no rulebook for how children deal with grief. And if there was you were a child so wouldn't have known.

[BringMeSunshineAllDayLong]

I have an 18 year old and totally know that he loves me but is also at an age that very naturally his friends are more prominent in his life. You Mum will have totally got this as well.
She will have known that you love her.
You were almost certainly in denial as well, I am in denial my Mum will die soon and she is 80. It's a survival technique. Your Mum would know this too.
Definitely get counselling but be kind to yourself. You did nothing wrong and it was shitty life not giving you enough time with your Mum rather than you.
💐

[Matobe]

There’s a brilliant charity called winston’s wishes who have suppport for adults who were bereaved as children. You’re not alon in these feelings x

[Harvestmoom]

Thanks everyone. You’re all reiterating the positive things in trying to tell myself which is I think what I needed to hear.

at the end of the day there’s nothing I can do apart from let myself feel the feelings and speak to a professional about it.

I need to be present with my kids and not spend my time with them worrying about things I have no control over!

[LaviniasBigBloomers]

It is so, so common for early motherhood to surface all sorts of feelings about our own parents so I really urge you to talk to your midwife about this - you absolutely will not be the only person who's ever struggled in this situation, I promise you.

Your darling mum loved the very bones of you, I can promise you that. I've just lost a sibling and my nephew is a little younger than you were, but very much into his mates and his sport and I can absolutely promise you that my sibling was thrilled that he got to see a little bit of him growing into a normal teen and also relieved that he wasn't as plugged into home as he used to be, and so managed to miss out on some of the difficulties and grief. He WANTED him to be a carefree teen, and so did your mum.

[Tomselleckhaskindeyes]

It took me literally years to make peace about my mother’s death. I was in my thirties NOT a child.

[missfliss]

Your mum will have actually been pleased to see you making your own way and starting to form relationships. The biggest worries she will have has will have been about you managing without her. Trust me on this.

My mum died when I was 18 too - I totally get it and the birth of my son brought up a lot for me too.

[fightingthedogforadonut]

My condolences OP. I lost my Dad at a similar age, so I get it.

I can never shake the angst about dying before my son has grown, or about my nearest and dearest dying. It's always there. I just try not to dwell and channel my energies into productive things.

As for guilt about the past. The human brain doesn't reach maturity until about 24 years, so it's very hard to grapple with such a fraught and complex situation when you are so young. Your critical thinking and decision-making is never going to be great at that age and under those very difficult circumstances. Your Mum would have understood that.

[Harvestmoom]

Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

When I was younger I had the mindset that counselling was pointless because they couldn’t change what happened. Totally regret that now! Wish I had it from when she became poorly never mind left it this long.

[Gamechanger99]

Definitely try to get counselling now if you can; it’s never too late. My mum died when I was 6 and I’ve only just started talking to somebody 35 years later.

I often dwell on the thought of me dying whilst my kids are young and it cripples me at times. Unfortunately I think that’s often the case if you lose a parent while you’re young.

Your mum would have been happy that you were forming other relationships that have no doubt helped you cope since her death. Be kind to yourself!

[Harvestmoom]

@Gamechanger99 im sorry for your loss. I’ve got an assessment with a perinatal counsellor booked in to talk about the best options for type of counselling

i think right now I’m experiencing a mixture of things that have escalated my feelings: first period since my baby was born, 4 year old has been asking about my mam, Mother’s Day on Sunday. Cocktail for sadness!! I also just have so much love for them both that It’s overwhelming

the thought of missing out on their childhood is breaking my heart in two and I just can’t stop thinking about it. our minds can be cruel!

thanks so much for taking the time to reply

[Gamechanger99]

Ahh yes, Mother’s Day. That’s a whole topic in itself!

Wishing you all the best and hope that you can find some kind of peace. It’s such a tricky journey to navigate but there is help out there; glad to hear you’re reaching out for it. Big hugs!

[LaviniasBigBloomers]

I'm really pleased you're speaking to someone and think counselling can help at any time. Mother's Day is such a trigger point, I'd been blocking it out.