Mum died 14 years ago - and I'm in pieces

[Dayatatime208]

I'm writing here for some comfort really - and to know I'm not crazy.
My mum (and best friend - parents divorced) died 14 years ago yesterday from a blood clot to her heart. She was the love of my life to be honest, though I have a partner now and he's lovely but mum just 'got me' and supported me, always. It was absolutely devastating. But why, 14 years later, have I had to go to bed for the day, crying uncontrollably? It feels like those first waves of grief. It's like I'm not in control of myself at all, and I feel such intense sadness. I'm now 45, so have wondered if this time of life (as it feels v mid-life) is also making the grief return. Her death anniversary usually isn't so bad.
Anyway, I haven't been able to work or leave the house. I just keep crying and I feel EXHAUSTED.
Anyone else get this, or I am just weird and damaged?

[SirenSays]

I'm so sorry for your loss.
You definitely are not weird and damaged. Grief comes in waves, sometimes those waves are bigger than we can handle right now. That's ok, you don't have to swim through them today. Take some time, get some rest. Practice some self care and hopefully the waves are smaller tomorrow 💐

[Notquitegrownup2]

Oh bless you. It isn't wrong to feel as you do. It's a measure of how lovely your mum was and how close you were. You are still feeling her loss because it is still very real for you: she died too young and should still be with you.

Have you ever had bereavement counselling? Cruse are wonderful and will listen and understand. They won't take your grief away but they will help you to manage it, and perhaps to channel it/reframe it too, so that it can allow you to move forward in life a little stronger and happier. Your mum would want that for you, wouldn't she?

Thinking of you

[DarkAcademia]

I understand. My Mum died a similar time ago (and I'm the same age as you) and sometimes I feel incredibly alone, especially if some other aspect of my network falters.

I am so sorry you lost your lovely Mum. It's okay to grieve, even after all this time, so give yourself the space to do it.

[SlightlyJaded]

Not weird at all.

My dad died ten years ago and about three months ago, I completely fell apart. Snotty sobbing that went on for two days. There wasn't really a trigger - I just needed him to come back. I have a lovely DH, DC and lost my lovely mum more recently than my Dad (and still have huge grief for her), but I was a Daddy's girl and suddenly, I was engulfed with grief.

I've never had any counselling but the few times I've had something like this happen - (I've felt sudden and overwhelming grief both parents) I have kind of embraced it. It's not nice at the time, but I sort of welcome it and accept that it's massive grief because I am mourning massive love and that the timing is irrelevant. I really struggled when DD turned 18 recently. I wanted them to be here - to see the young woman she had become, and I struggled again one day when I realised that i didn't know how to make 'her' soup. Sometimes (like three months ago) the triggers are unknown and the grief can swamp me. But grief is what it is and there is no 'normal'.

My dad was a cabinet maker and I still get a lump in my throat at the smell of pine and sawdust. I will forever. Time heals but it doesn't fix and there will always be things that set you off.

Counselling might help you, but it's also ok to accept that this may just happen sometimes.

Sending love.

[Dayatatime208]

@SlightlyJaded thank you, that really helps. I've fallen apart today - proper snotty gulping sobs out of nowhere. Going to just accept this is how it is today, and tomorrow will hopefully be better. Sorry you've gone through what you have and you're right, it's massive grief. I sometimes want to dig inside myself to press a button to release it all or something. Always there.

@DarkAcademia Likewise. Thank you. Life can feel very lonely at times.

@SirenSays Thank you, going to def try and do some self care this week.

@Notquitegrownup2 you're right, maybe some therapy would help process this - it feels like in midlife it's come to the surface again.

[DaBlackCatsAreDaBestCats]

The grief can come at the most unexpected times. My mother died almost 23 years ago. Today there was a woman walking towards me in the supermarket who I thought was her. She looked nothing like her but similar general appearance. I had to stare to make sure. I’m 62 and it still hurts x

[Reachingforchocolate]

Hi lovely, it’s not weird at all.

My mum was my best friend too. She died 19 years ago. Her loss has shaped my life as much as I haven’t wanted it to. My dcs are young adults now. They never knew my mum, their Nana, MiL just isn’t interested in my dcs so mums loss is felt through the generations. They haven’t got happy memories of a loving grandparent which she would have been. It just so sad. I had no help bringing them up (obviously DH was here and he’s fabulous!). I learned about how to look after babies from books.

I’m mostly ok but I have days still where I’m overwhelmed by her loss. It’s a measure of the person she was.

Be kind to yourself and so sorry for the loss of your mum xx

[fabio12]

My mum died around a similar time and I am a similar age OP. I also still get the overwhelming grief of loss at unexpected times. I think people do tend to expect you to be "over" it, or at least that is how I feel. An ex of mine was completely blind to how I would feel in the days around her death and I do think it is important we allow each other the grace and space to grieve as and when we need to. I had some issues with my mum which I also think makes it hard for people to understand, but I still agree with her than no one ever loves you unconditionally like a mother, which always makes me emotional. I've quite a solitary life and knowing I lost the only guaranteed love in my life (not counting DC - they shouldn't have to parent) quite young has been hard and does affect your self-image. You are not alone in feeling lost, still.

[stayathomer]

My dad is 16 years dead, and while it’s rare, I randomly get this tug on my heart and stomach and wish wish wish he was still here. Huge hugs op x

[Wizardo]

I don’t think your reaction is weird OP. I still have days when I truly miss my dad who died about 18 years ago (I’m late 40s) - it’s been worse since my mum died as I feel like my last link to him is gone. The grief can be surprisingly sharp and painful, some days. My kids remember my mum but neither of them knew my dad and I know no one will remember his death on the anniversary next month, except me. My husband had forgotten all about it within a year, the idea that I’m still grieving all these years later will be totally alien to him. So I won’t mention it

I would just love to have dad back for one day so I could introduce him to my kids and chat to him, and hug him. So much has happened since he died - things he would have been astounded by or enjoyed hugely. I think I miss him more now than my mum, even though I was very close to my mum. Dad has been gone so long. Whereas it still feels like my mum might be popping round for a cup of tea any time and I could catch her up on all the gossip (it has only been a few years).

[SlightlyJaded]

Just to add that although the grief is crippling and unbearable at time, I try to remember that this is the price we pay for having been blessed with so much love.

Grief is just love with nowhere to go....

[Taylormiffed]

Bless you. It's not just you. My dad died 14yrs ago and I'm more wobbly these days than I was when he died.

[ItsAllSoBleak]

Grief does come in waves though. If it's been 14 years you will know this. Loss of a great love will have a corresponding great painful sadness. you are surviving though even without your lovely mother. There will always be these days that come out of the blue. It's just love that's all.

This is a well known internet posting on grief - its so true.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.


Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.


Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.


https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/comments/d9685e/griefcomesin_waves_important_message_from_8/

[Chomping]

Thank you for this thread. I am sorry for everyone that is enduring this. I came to this topic because I have recently had my grief reignited after 15 years.

I think I realise that I miss my Mum desperately - she was my best friend and other friendships can’t replace that.

It’s also because she died young and suddenly (62) I feel cheated but also that 3 of her good friends have died in the last 3 months - and I am heartbroken for their families and what they will go through now.