Family in 2 different parts of the country - is it feasible to have 2 funeral services?

[Laura4363]

I’m sorry in advance that this will probably be a bit long-winded, I’m finding it quite hard to deal with and it’s not easy to explain briefly, or at least it doesn’t seem easy to me.

My sister died 2 weeks ago, she was only 48 and although she had struggled with some health problems, it was a shock - my other sister found her dead in her garden. Because it was unexpected the coroner is involved and we are waiting for a post mortem, so we can’t make any firm plans for her funeral yet, but we do know she will be cremated so she can go in the family grave. She had a strong faith, and we always knew she would want to have a service at the church in the village where we grew up, where she got married and where all our family are buried.

She lived in the same town as myself and my other sister, but we were all born in a different area about 4 hours away, and my brother still lives there, as do most of her immediate family, her nearly exDH and her 17 year old DS. But we also have family near to us, and she had friends here too, who would want to go to her funeral.

Due to work/small children/costs of travel, hotels etc, wherever we have the funeral someone won’t be able to come, especially as the cremation and internment won’t be done at the same time, so it would probably involve 2 trips. So my sister and I made a tentative suggestion that maybe we could have a small service and cremation down here, and then a “proper” service and internment at the church back home. Most people seem to agree that that is a good compromise, except for my brother, who thinks he is the centre of the universe and everything revolves around him - he’s always been like this, and caused no end of stress when my mum passed as he wanted everything done his way.

His main objections are that the whole family won’t be able to go to both services, it will be expensive to have 2 services, and that she “wouldn’t want a random service in a random place”, which is ridiculous. To be honest, she would want whatever causes the least inconvenience to everyone, because that’s what she was like!

But our point is that this way everyone will be able to go to a service, or both if they want to - e.g. myself and my sister, and her ex and DS, who have already said they would come down for the cremation.

As for the expense, although we haven’t been quoted for anything yet, surely it would cost a fortune to have her coffin transported all that way? Whereas if she’s cremated down here we can take her up there ourselves. And we aren’t suggesting 2 full funerals, just a smaller one down here and then a church one.

So I guess what I’m asking for advice about is, has anyone had a similar situation and how did they deal with it? Would it be that much more expensive? Would a vicar be happy to have a full service for an internment - we asked my brother to ask the vicar about this, it’s the only thing we have asked him to do, and he refused because he thinks it’s a stupid idea!

[ChaoticBag]

So sorry for your loss - yes we did something similar for my mum at different ends of the country.
Cremation with a humanist minister, couple of weeks later a memorial service in church and interment of ashes. First was mainly close family but would have worked to have anyone there who could only go to that one. Second was more full on funeral with reception at local pub after.

[ChaoticBag]

Just to add...we did the humanist service the way we the family wanted it, choices of music, reading poems, someone played guitar and sang. The second was the way my mum wanted it - her favourite hymns.
Your brother is being a bit ridiculous - it worked really well for us at a very difficult time.

[Sunsetboardwalk]

Honestly, as someone who has flown to funerals and had other relatives flying to ones near to me, I would do one service. In her own church, with her sisters. I can't imagine her son won't be able to come, her brother too - these (and her friends) are the most significant people. I would save yourself the additional massive stress and hassle of trying to run two ceremonies and please everyone.
You could keep a small amount of ashes to be scattered somewhere significant to the family in the other location, possibly.
I'm very sorry for your loss.

[HillyHoney]

That sounds really hard OP. I know of people who've had a funeral and then a celebration of life service/memorial service - would that make it simpler at all?

[caringcarer]

In practical terms it does cost a lot to drive a body in a coffin from one part of the country to another. It might be better to have a small Celebration of life service first get body cremated then drive ashes down for service where she was married. That would be most practical however from what you say it sounds like your sister might have preferred to have the full service with her in the coffin, where she grew up and married, then cremation and ashes interred. Followed up with a Celebration of life service about 1 month afterwards. 2 services in a couple of weeks are too much for anyone and I'd be thinking of her 17 year old son and space it out a bit.

[backagainwithcoffee]

When my mum died we had two services. We had a small cremation service with just about 30 close family/friends attending and then we had a big celebration of life service at church. I'm a Christian too and in our denomination it's quite common to have a celebration of life style service but of course every family is different.

The whole thing (both services plus all the practical costs of undertakers etc) cost us about £5000.

I'm sorry for your sudden loss

[backagainwithcoffee]

Also I would add that if the majority of you want two services, don't let one person (your brother) railroad you into doing something you might later regret. In cases like this I would say 'majority rules'.

[user1492757084]

I have witnessed three successful services for a friend who died. A sevice before the cremation, one in the church in her hometown of many decades and another where ashes were spread. Yours is a sensible idea. I would assume just good local friends and family at the cremation.
You need to speak with the Vicar yourself though because your brother will be no help. Your brother could be a good one to write an eulogy.
Consider hiring a bus for the four hour journey to the church service.

[Laura4363]

Thanks everyone - I can’t get my notifications to work so didn’t realise there had been any answers.

Your answers have been very helpful, and thank you for your kind thoughts.

[Loopytiles]

Very sad, very sorry.

I’m confused about the locations: is the place where you all grew up and where your sister was married, family buried the place 4 hours away?

either way, personally think it’d be best to do just one service, at that place. The other option would have additional costs, time, decision making and organisation, and prolonging the funeral part for those attending both.

[WearyAuldWumman]

@Laura4363

I’m sorry in advance that this will probably be a bit long-winded, I’m finding it quite hard to deal with and it’s not easy to explain briefly, or at least it doesn’t seem easy to me.

My sister died 2 weeks ago, she was only 48 and although she had struggled with some health problems, it was a shock - my other sister found her dead in her garden. Because it was unexpected the coroner is involved and we are waiting for a post mortem, so we can’t make any firm plans for her funeral yet, but we do know she will be cremated so she can go in the family grave. She had a strong faith, and we always knew she would want to have a service at the church in the village where we grew up, where she got married and where all our family are buried.

She lived in the same town as myself and my other sister, but we were all born in a different area about 4 hours away, and my brother still lives there, as do most of her immediate family, her nearly exDH and her 17 year old DS. But we also have family near to us, and she had friends here too, who would want to go to her funeral.

Due to work/small children/costs of travel, hotels etc, wherever we have the funeral someone won’t be able to come, especially as the cremation and internment won’t be done at the same time, so it would probably involve 2 trips. So my sister and I made a tentative suggestion that maybe we could have a small service and cremation down here, and then a “proper” service and internment at the church back home. Most people seem to agree that that is a good compromise, except for my brother, who thinks he is the centre of the universe and everything revolves around him - he’s always been like this, and caused no end of stress when my mum passed as he wanted everything done his way.

His main objections are that the whole family won’t be able to go to both services, it will be expensive to have 2 services, and that she “wouldn’t want a random service in a random place”, which is ridiculous. To be honest, she would want whatever causes the least inconvenience to everyone, because that’s what she was like!

But our point is that this way everyone will be able to go to a service, or both if they want to - e.g. myself and my sister, and her ex and DS, who have already said they would come down for the cremation.

As for the expense, although we haven’t been quoted for anything yet, surely it would cost a fortune to have her coffin transported all that way? Whereas if she’s cremated down here we can take her up there ourselves. And we aren’t suggesting 2 full funerals, just a smaller one down here and then a church one.

So I guess what I’m asking for advice about is, has anyone had a similar situation and how did they deal with it? Would it be that much more expensive? Would a vicar be happy to have a full service for an internment - we asked my brother to ask the vicar about this, it’s the only thing we have asked him to do, and he refused because he thinks it’s a stupid idea!

I'm sorry for your loss.

When my mum's cousin died down in England, her daughter organised the funeral down there and then a memorial service for the Scottish members of the family in the church that her mother had attended for many years.

[Cornishpasty342]

My family had two funeral services for a family member very recently. My family is split between living on an island and the mainland. There was a service one day on the mainland and then on the island the following day where the burial took place. This allowed family in each area to attend.

I have also been to a similar situation with a cremation. We live in rural Scotland and the closest crematorium is around 2 hours drive away from our town. We had a service on the first day in the village church of the deceased and the following day we drove to the crematorium and had another small service there before the cremation. The cremation was mostly just family and close friends as it was quite a distance from where they lived but it meant everyone could say goodbye and it was really lovely. This is quite common where I live so I think it’s perfectly reasonable and your brother is being difficult.

[BloodyAdultDC]

The first funeral I ever went to was very confusing for a 9 year old was a full church service and burial for an elderly aunt who had been cremated in the south east, with this taking place in the North West.

I've also been to full church funerals followed by crem service and then not had anything done with the ashes - I don't think I have any family members who have a proper grave, just privately strewn ashes.

Perfectly acceptable to have a crematorium funeral then have the 'full' funeral somewhere further away.

[MariaVT65]

Sorry for the loss of your sister 💐

Realise this thread is from last week but have you considered just having one service and live streaming it? I know this increased during covid but my family have kept it up since as it means that family abroad could watch the service. Personally I would always try my best to attend a funeral but I was unable to get to one recently due to still recovering from giving birth so I was very grateful to able to live stream it.

[sashh]

If that is what works for you then do it.

I have a friend originally from Jamaica, at her mother's funeral some of the relatives who had flown in brought Jamaican soil, just a handful, so she was buried in England but in a mix of soils. I thought that was a lovely idea.

When my mum died we had a mass at the church my parents went to, then the crem.

My dad has my mum's ashes but he wants to be cremated (funeral already paid for) but then he wants his ashes buried with my mother's ashes.

[Propertylover]

@Laura4363 It is perfectly possible to have two or even more services.

Personally I think a cremation where she lived and a church service with internment of her ashes sounds ideal. Yes it will cost more but not excessively so.

Even if you decided to have a service locally and the cremation where your brother lives it is entirely possible. I believe costs would not be prohibitively expensive. Your local funeral director will be able to advise.

I know this is a sensitive time as everyone is grieving but is it that your brother is the one that doesn’t want to travel?

I am sorry for your loss.

[Decorhate]

Yes it’s possible. When my aunt died the funeral service & cremation were held in the area she had been living in. Not all immediate family & old friends could attend due to the distance from where she had grown up (a different country).

She had not specified what to do with her ashes so these were brought back to her home country & another service held there & the ashes were buried in her mother’s grave.

[fightingthedogforadonut]

We did something similar for my Mum. She lived in the midlands but originally came from the north of Scotland and had lots of relatives in their 70's and 80's who couldn't have travelled down for the funeral. It's totally do-able. More to organise obviously but the Vicar we spoke to in Scotland said it wasn't an unusual request.

[Sunsetboardwalk]

It's been over a month since the OP so I imagine the funeral is already sorted.