Preparing for being bereaved - conflicting feelings

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

I am struggling horrendously with this. I posted in Relationships rather than a health thread as it's about the emotions and the relationship. But I got no response and so maybe this is a better place.

My cousin, six weeks older than me and an absolutely massive part of my life forever - we shared so much growing up - has been diagnosed with lung cancer stage 4 that can't be cured but he's been told it can be managed. He's starting aggressive chemo next week. He has cancer in his shoulder bone, adrenal glands and lymph glands close by - not spread beyond that particular side of his body. He was given inhalers and antibiotics for months before someone took it seriously.

I'm ok coping with it practically and how to behave around him. He's a very down to earth pragmatic character and we've agreed that whilst being mindful of and sensitive to his condition, I will just continue to relate to him and his wife (who is one of my closest friends now) as normal, talk about normal things as usual.

I can't handle the thought of him not being there in the future, and I am terrified of him being in a hospice (though I know they're good places) and dwindling away until he's not who I know him as. I know this might sound selfish but I'm scared of the memories and our relationship from being children, and teenagers going out clubbing, meeting boyfriends and girlfriends, etc, being superseded by illness and death. I hope this makes sense. I want him to be as well as possible for as long as possible.

When we were in our mid teens he went out briefly with a friend of mine but it didn't last, she got married and moved away, and I learned that in 2020 (she was a nurse) she died of covid caught during the course of her work. My cousin was a part of that group, and I feel though of course I know life changes, people grow and change etc, that everything is being erased. He told his first wife (they share a son) about it and the first question was "how long have they given you?" I was appalled. This is not something I have asked or want to know.

I don't know how to start to process all of this. Does anyone have words of wisdom? Thank you.

[coffeeisthebest]

All your feelings are understandable OP, you don't want him to suffer and get more ill, you don't want him to die. However, the reality is that there is no predicting how this will pan out, he is doing everything he can treatment wise and hopefully he will be ok for a while, but no one has control of this. Have you considered counselling as a place to take your feelings of helplessness and fear? It might be beneficial to have your own space as this feels like a lot to process.

[Somepeoplearesnippy]

My mum died recently after a protracted period of age related deterioration. We knew it was coming but obviously not when.

Unlike your cousin, my mum was not a very nice woman. She was a bully and violent when we were young and was very two faced and manipulative throughout her life. In the 2/3 years before she died I was very worried about how I would handle the funeral - I didn't want to be dishonest and hypocritical but being honest could shock and upset people who didn't know her as well as the immediate family.
What I've found is the opposite to what you fear. Now she has died the negative aspects of her have receded somewhat (perhaps because she no longer has emotional power over me) and I'm able to remember some of the better times. Hopefully you will experience something similar , that once the pain and suffering end you will be free to remember the wonderful times you had with your cousins.

Mums funeral is booked for the end of the week. With the help of family and a very sympathetic civil celebrant I'm happy with the service we have devised. It will focus on the good stuff and the less pleasant things can stay in the past where they belong.

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

My cousin died last night. It has been a nightmare for the past three or so weeks. He was having daily radiotherapy treatment, and doing fine, if a bit tired in the evenings, then he caught an infection which was at first feared to be sepsis (it wasn't) so was in hospital on intravenous antibiotics for a weekend. He came home on the Sunday, resumed treatment on the Monday, but on that Friday, 23 February, he collapsed in the bathroom coughing and wheezing and a racing heart rate. Back in hospital with blood thinners, anti-coagulants and more antibiotics as they'd given him scans and found a blood clot. Sent him home with double pneumonia and a blood clot. Led to a collapsed lung and he died last night. His wife is putting in a complaint.

Part of me is relieved it's over now as he was terribly ill for the last few days and getting worse. Weirdly in one way I am looking forward to the funeral to celebrate his life. But I am desperately sad he had so much more to live and to give, his wife is inconsolable and I am struggling to function myself.

My life is much better for having had him in it.

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

@coffeeisthebest I have looked into some counselling thank you yes.