Pregnant for the first time while my own mum is dying

[LFPM]

Hello, I hope I'm posting this is in the right place (am new around here).

I'm 23 weeks pregnant with my first baby and my dear mum is currently on hospice care at home 1.5 hrs from me. She was diagnosed with (very "treatable") bowel cancer in 2020, but at every stage of treatment something unexpected/devastating has happened - putting it mildly. First operation, came out with an unexpected ileostomy, then her liver couldn't cope with chemo, then a reoccurrence, then radiotherapy, then another operation during which she had a massive bilateral stroke in August 2022. The night before that operation, we had dinner together with my dad too and a walk across the Thames. She was full of hope that this would be one final hurdle to jump over. I was engaged and we were planning of dress fittings once she'd recovered from surgery. The stroke took her her sight, mobility and independence, but she was coping incredibly well, with my dad's support & physio, carers etc up until last March when we got the news that the second operation had not worked and the cancer was now terminal.

My husband and I moved our wedding forward to May last year, as we didn't know timeframe and she was able to attend. In August she became very unwell and it turns out the radiotherapy had caused a ureteral stricture. She essentially now has slow kidney failure, on top of incurable cancer and the cognitive/physical devastation from the stroke. We were told she may only survive 2 days in August, but rallied somewhat, although becoming totally bed bound.

I became pregnant the same month with my first baby, a little boy, which she is thrilled about (she predicted it was a boy when I told her at 5 weeks). We have always been incredibly close and had always talked excitedly about when I would be a mother. I just knew that, however painful, I so longed for the experience of being pregnant while my mum is around, even though the pain of knowing she very likely won't survive until he's due in May often takes my breath away.

She has now begun being sick, unable to eat, and it's quite obvious the cancer is progressing. We're currently desperately trying to find the right medication to relieve these symptoms and make her as comfortable as possible. It's torture to see her suffering.

I'm not sure if anyone will read this as it's so long, but if there's anyone who has lived through something similar, some words of comfort would be so, so appreciated. I've been having therapy for a year and think I'm "coping" well, especially with the drive to keep myself healthy for the baby, but it's just so hard.

Thank you. x

[JenniferGreenHat]

It all sounds so difficult OP, you sound remarkably strong and with a fantastic attitude, which I’m sure is helping your Mum and family.

I don’t have any advice, but I wish your Mum all the best. I hope you can find medication to help her feel more comfortable.

Maybe take some photos of your Mum’s hand on your bump, if you’d like to and your Mum’s mobility allows. They will be lovely special photos of your baby close to your Mum.

Sending lots of love, and best wishes to your Mum, your family, you and your baby xxx

[cerisepanther73]

@JenniferGreenHat

Excellent idea !

[cerisepanther73]

@LFPM

Could you name your new baby after your mother in some way?

It could be a Christian first name or a middle name too.

[pinkandredflowers]

My mum died a few months before I got pregnant with my daughter. I would really recommend talking to her about how she found being a mum for the first time, any little tips or tricks she used, songs she sang etc. It can help you feel close to her afterwards and recreate some of the magic from your childhood.

I really wish I'd had some insight into how my mum found motherhood and had so many questions for her that I couldn't ask.

Sending lots of love and strength xxx

[modgepodge]

This is so so sad to read. I like the photo suggestion previously. My mum died when I was a teenager, years before I even considered children. I am still sad she didn’t get to meet my daughter, and recently my daughter (age 4.5) has started asking questions about her for the first time and the other day expressed how sad she was she never got to meet her 😭 it’s horrible. Having a photo of your mum and bump might be really lovely in future xx

[pikkumyy77]

Just sending you lots and lots of love.

[Panda8383]

You sound like a very brave lady, your wee boy is going to have the best mum, it’s heartbreaking what your poor mum and your family are going through, especially with you being pregnant with your first child, sending lots of love to you x

[JollyHostess101]

We had our first baby this July and at 35 weeks my Dad was diagnosed with untreatable bowel cancer which had spread to his liver and was told to do anything he wanted to do so it now but they couldn’t give us any time frames! I honestly didn’t think he’d live to see her but he did and then took a massive decline which was the beginning of the end

Id already lost Mum almost 5 years ago so this completely blew my world up- I’d only started my Mat leave 4 days before he got the diagnosis. He passed away when our little girl was 11 weeks old and i feel incredibly cheated that he’s not here!

Spend as much time as you can with her- we did and took loads of photos and videos (I have them all hidden in a separate album on my phone as sometimes don’t want to look) I got photo tiles made of in laws (still with us) and my parents for nursery wall.

Its so incredibly hard that one of the most joyful events is happening with one of the saddest and I still can’t believe that we lived through it but you find the strength…..

Message me if you want to as I felt completely at odds with those other parents to be we knew at the time as I had this other massive burden is wrong word but it wasn’t the shiny happy exciting time I felt they were having if that even makes sense!!

Im sorry this has turned out to be a really massive reply!

[Hotpinkangel19]

I'm so sorry. O went through similar 6 years ago. My Mum was placed on End of Life care when i was 6 weeks pregnant. She died when i was 9-10 weeks. My poor Dad then became unwell unexpectedly, and was found to have Advanced Kidney Cancer. On my 20 week scan day, o was scanned in the morning and went straight to arrange his funeral. They died 11 weeks apart.
Look after yourself. Being pregnant actually really helped me not break down as much but it was undoubtedly the worst period of my life.

[delphi13]

So sorry you are going through this. I went through similar. My mum was diagnosed with ovarian cancer the same day I had an ectopic pregnancy. I desperately tried to get pregnant again so she would be around to meet her grandchild. Unfortunately I found out I was pregnant shortly after she died. Then at around the time of my 20 week scan my dad turned yellow and was found to have terminal cancer. He managed to make it to meet my son but died shortly after. So that phrase 'it was the best of times, it was the worst of times' comes to mind. It's the hardest to lose a parent! I think having my baby kind of took a little of the edge off as he was quite a high needs baby and I didn't get too much of an opportunity to grieve properly. I agree with a poster above, talk to your mum lots about her experience of being a mum. This is what I have found so hard. So many things I'd love to ask her and didn't get the chance.

It's hard to imagine but you will get through this. It seems insurmountable before it actually happens, and to be honest it feels that way for a while after but bit by bit you build your life, you will never stop missing them but you will learn to live with it. Also I see my parents in my kids all the time. It's remarkable how they have physical mannerisms that are just so straight from mum and dad despite never knowing them.

I wish you the best. xx

[LFPM]

Just wanted to say thank you so much everyone for your kind advice and for sharing similar experiences. You truly never know what life is going to chuck at you. To anyone who has lost a parent(s) while becoming one yourself, my whole heart is with you.

I've spoken to my sister and we're going to ask our mum to record some nursery rhymes, and look into getting her fingerprint made into a little pendant for both of us. It's difficult at the moment as she's so sick, we're trying to work with the the hospice team to get her symptoms under control so she's a little more peaceful.

Something I repeat to myself regularly, is that she has already given me everything I need to be the best mother I can to my children. Sending love xxxx

[JollyHostess101]

@LFPM what a lovely idea about the nursery rhymes! Your last paragraph has really stuck with me I hadn’t thought of it like that so thank you!

I got a ring made with my Mums ashes when we lost her and I treasure it so much I’m going to see if they can add to it with Dads!

Hospice nurses and staff were absolute heroes to us!

Sending you lots of love

[AHobbyaweek]

My mum got her diagnosis when I was pregnant and passed away on my DDs first birthday.
What I wished I had done, take more pictures of them, videos of interactions however small, voice recordings and I also opened an email address for my daughter to send emails to for anyone including mum.

It is super hard and what I learned was, let others take over some things to allow yourself to be a daughter for a while as well as being a mum. You don't need to be both 100% or the time and let yourself look after yourself too without being the go to for everyone.

[AHobbyaweek]

I also have a necklace of my mums ashes which I love and wear often 7 years on

[LFPM]

Hello everyone. I just wanted to share that my dear, dear mother died peacefully in her sleep in the early hours on March 1st.

February was an impossibly tough month as her health deteriorated and horrible symptoms increased. She spent her last couple of weeks in our local hospice, which took the pressure and stress of her care off my dad and we were able to just spend time at her bedside, together. She was very out of it towards the end and in parts it was really quite traumatic, but thank goodness she is no longer suffering. I held her hand in her final days while she slept, and felt my baby kicking and wriggling about in my tummy. I was reminded of the circularity of life. Hard months are coming as I navigate birth and the early days without her physically here, but I also know I'm heading into such a special time. She so loved being a mother to my sister and me, and really relished our babyhood so I'm going to do the same.

Thank you again to everyone who shared their experiences. Sending all my love and strength to anyone who may need it xxx

[JollyHostess101]

Sending you lots of love! It definitely is big circle of life stuff. Just take each day as it comes it doesn’t get easier but our little girl has bought so much joy into what else would be a very dark time!

[notgettinganyyounger]

So very sorry for your loss xx

[pikkumyy77]

Thank you do much for letting us know of your mother’s passing. I wish you and the baby all good fortune and so many wonderful moments together!