Sudden bereavement/not sure what to do

[HiDeDi]

My good neighbour/friend lost her partner very suddenly two weeks ago late 40’s.

I see her every other day or so as we live nearby but when we are near enough to talk she screams at me: “leave me alone”, “I don’t want to talk about it” before I’ve even managed to say hi.

I completely appreciate she is not ready to talk but is almost always with someone else when she shouts this at me. Am I supposed to blank her now or hide until she has gone past?

I have autism so don’t always pick up on social clues so some advice would be very much appreciated.

Gosh that sounds really hard OP. I can understand why she is feeling completely overwhelmed, and why you are also hurt by her response.

When you say you see her every other day do you mean you go round every other day specifically to see her without an invite? Or do you pass in the street kind of thing?

@YellowHpok

We’re in a courtyard style cul de sac so going to the bins, gardening, going the car etc. Haven’t been to her house. She is well supported by family. I feel like I need to hide when she comes outside.

How awful.. for her to have lost her partner suddenly but also for you if she screams at you when she sees you.

Write her a note: Dear neighbour.. I am so sorry for your loss and your clear distress. It is very clear to me that you don't want to talk to me about it and that is fine. I promise not to talk to you about it until you want to. I am sorry that us passing in the street is causing you such distress, but if this relieves one part of your distress, I will not speak to you. Your dear friend and neighbour,, HiDeDi

If you haven't already I would pop a card through her door expressing your sympathies (perhaps at a time you know she is out so you dont bump into her, I would try to discretely find out when funeral is and attend if possible. Then all you can do is carry on with your life until she needs you.

@ChateauMargaux
@sotired2

Thank you for the advice. It might be obvious to some but my autism makes me unsure what to do/say. It feels rude going to my car and not even saying hello.

I have already popped a card through the door a week or so ago but I can send her a quick Facebook message just saying I won’t approach her. I am off on holiday soon so only need to stay out of her way for another week or so.

I am sorry you are in this situation and that your autism makes you feel unsure of what to do or say. It is hurtful when others react to us in the way that you described. I am sorry but I hope you have friends who understand you.

@ChateauMargaux thank you for understanding and being so kind

Please don’t feel bad, you haven’t done anything wrong.

It’s very sad that her partner has died, but even grief doesn’t give someone the right to behave like a complete arsehole.

Please don’t hide, she’s the one in the wrong here.

It is a very odd reaction on her behalf so I am not surprised you are unsure of how to deal with it.

Yes this is good advice

OP before this happened what sort of relationship did you have? Did you have coffee at each other's houses? Did you confide in each other your private stuff? Can you remember what you wrote in the card?

@AlternativePerspective
Thank you for your thoughts. It does feel a bit odd that I can’t go out to my car as usual abs wave/say hi without feeling like I have done something wrong but I recognise that it’s not about me and she must be hurting.

@PoseyFlump
Went out for coffee occasionally always chatting outside for ages! Both had similar interests so lots in common and we would matter away about nothing. Can’t remember exactly what I wrote in the card but something along the lines of “so sad to hear of your loss, the world will not be the same without x in it. If I can do anything to help call me anytime.”.

@HiDeDi that is strange indeed. It doesn't sound like you've accidentally said anything to upset her. Grief does affect people differently and with it being sudden it must be a shock. But I can certainly see how it would be hurtful for you, especially when she's with other people so it's not consistent.

Its good you've got a holiday coming up. Its best to leave her to it to make the first move now but please don't change anything about your routine, you've done nothing to deserve that reaction

I just wanted to put forward my 2p worth, in defence of your neighbour OP.

I've very recently, within the last few weeks, lost my lovely husband, suddenly and unexpectedly.

No illness.

Just found dead at home.

While I haven't screamed at anyone, in my head I've said "go away, I don't want to talk to anyone just now - and maybe not later, either".
I often don't answer the phone either.

Part of this, for me, is, I can just about muddle along and cope with my own grief but I can't bear to see and hear that grief reflected back to me on the faces and in the voices of others.

I have a really good friend who just instinctively knows when to keep her distance and when a listening ear, tea and sympathy is required.

I have other friends and relatives who will smother me, if I let them. Some of those, I've kept at a distance, for now.

The amount of willpower, grit and effort it takes me to leave my house, at times, is exhausting. Some days I think I'm just not going to be able to regain my composure long enough to make it to the corner shop for a pint of milk. It wouldn't take very much for me to crumble into a sobbing mess.

Your neighbour's nerves are probably stretched to their limit if she's feeling anything like me.

2 weeks is very, very early days.

I'm so sorry she's upset you.

It's nothing that you've done or said or not done or said - it's all to do with her and how she's feeling.

From your description of your previous relationship, I'm sure she isn't thinking of your feelings at all but is doing this as some form of self-preservation for her.
It's just her method of dealing with the horror that is bereavement.

My advice would be, say nothing but just raise your hand to her in acknowledgement and leave it at that

@Wingedharpy thank you for your insight and very sorry for your loss.

Just get, or make , a nice card (not, a condolence card; just a bland pic of flowers) and write " I'm thinking of you, and here for you. ". Put it through the door.
When you paths cross, just nod smile and wave but don't engage or look for any response. . She can't face other people and words just now.

Thank you @HiDeDi .
I hope your friend regains her equilibrium soon and comes back to you.
Give her time and space.
She will need you, eventually.
Enjoy your holiday.

It’s terribly sad but as a pp said it doesn’t give her the right to speak to you like that.

I feel for you, you definitely do not sound like you've done anything wrong. You shouldn't have to worry about going outside for fear of being screamed at, nor apologise for being in the same area as her. Have you even tried speaking to her about it? It just seems so random, and I know losing a partner is awful, but it isn't your fault.
We all lose people during our lifetimes, and it doesn't give us the right to treat people like shit.

I think@Wingedharpy ’s post is very, very pertinent

the neighbour is not feeling entitled to “treat people like shit”. She probably isn’t even aware. The grief the neighbour will be feeling will be utterly overwhelming (I’ve suffered very sudden loss myself) and the best friends are those who understand and accept this.

im also autistic OP and it makes the situation even harder. I’d just give her space for now. But you have done nothing wrong.

You know what, a very similar thing has happened to my neighbour. She found her husband dead at home.

She too, doesn't want to talk to anyone. I mean, she hasn't screamed at anyone, but if any of the neighbours approach her, she shakes her head and waves them off.

She said to me that she just can't do people right now.

So I imagine that's how your neighbour is feeling. The screaming is odd though and must be really hard to know how to deal with. I'd just keep your head down for now. Of you're outside when she is, just don't make eye contact. When she is ready, she'll be more like her normal self, but possibly never back to who she was before.

Sounds tough, you've done nothing wrong that I can see.

I am with the note suggested above about acknowledging her wishes and assuring her you won’t speak to her. Not Facebook messenger, a note.

That would be very kind. But I think her behaviour is awful, bereaved or not.