Missing my mum. A handhold would be appreciated

[Pal1mpsest]

Not quite sure what I’m trying to express, so forgive me, but I know people on here will understand. I’ve been around these boards (under other names) since I lost my mum 18 months ago. I suppose I’m starting to cope better now, getting on with things and at least not crying every day, though I do think about her a lot of the time. I was with her at the end. She didn’t have the greatest time of it and it was quite traumatic and still is.

It all feels so complicated and enormous. I have a DB who’s just not really helping with the process of dealing with her house, so I’m doing it pretty much all. Losing the house is massive as we grew up here and to me it’s 'home' in a way that my own home just…isn’t. I’m here now and I’m sitting here once again scarcely able to believe that it will belong to someone else soon and I’ll never set foot in it again. Never come to my hometown again. It doesn’t seem real. I feel very alone, and it doesn’t help that I’m getting upset by some FB posts from SIL (long story).

Silly of me to get like this, I know. Talk me down, someone!

[bloodywhitecat]

It's not silly at all, it is completely understandable. Losing a loved one is so hard, I lost my dad four years ago and DH 8 weeks ago and it is just shit. My biggest fear is not being able to afford to carry on living here (we rent) so I completely understand why doing what you are doing is so hard.

[NoSquirrels]

It’s really not silly, not at all.



I lost my mum about that long ago. My dad’s still in their home, but I completely and utterly empathise with you.

It’s like extra grief on grief, isn’t it? I think it’s the collateral damage of a happy, stable childhood, in a way, like grief is the price of love.

[MouseRoar]

You're not silly at all. Go easy on yourself. So hard to deal with it all, you are doing really well🌻

[WeDontShutUpAboutBruno]

Its absolutely not silly.

Your lovely Mum dying was, obviously, a massive bereavement for you, but there are lots of smaller losses that come after that people don't really talk about.

All the firsts, then things like the house, then the special occasions where they won't be there. It's all a series of mini losses as you navigate the world without her.

I know ug all feels complicated and enormous right now, but write a list, deal with the things you can, just one at a time, when it's written into manageable chunks it won't seem so daunting.

For now, mute your SIL until you're feeling a little stronger, is there someone who can come and help you at your mums house, or even someone who can stay on the phone and just chat while you do things?

Maybe you can go to your hometown on your mums birthday every year, or just promise yourself you'll come back occasionally.

I'm so sorry you miss your mum op

[Pal1mpsest]

Thanks so much for the quick reply, bloodywhitecat. My condolences to you for the loss of your DH so recently. I really hope you’re able to work things out with your home, that must be incredibly hard on top of everything else.

Grief is such a weird thing. I've been so much better but it’s really hit me today for some reason. My home feels like a part of me as it’s all I've ever known. It would probably be easier if we’d moved around but all my memories of Mum and Dad (who died over a decade ago now) are here from my earliest recollection.

[MayBeee]

I can fully appreciate your emotions of putting your mother's house on the market .
When I walked around my childhood home for the last time ( it was my parents home for 50 years ) I remembered all the happy times and the years gone by. I touched walls , and walked around empty rooms , stared at the back garden where I used to play and my Dad taught me to ride a bike knowing I'd never see it again.
But remember you carry those memories in your heart and in your head and they will stay with you wherever to go .

[Pal1mpsest]

Oh gosh, everyone else has replied and now I’m in floods of tears.

You're right, WeDontShutUp, I know I shouldn’t look. It was just a stupid comment about 'family all together' and I felt so excluded. She didn’t like mum and didn’t treat her very well, and was always more than happy to write her out of the picture

[Candleabra]

You’re not silly, how could you be. Losing your lovely mum must be devastating. I find with bereavements that it seems to get harder in different ways with time. I think your brain sort of protects you from feeling too much in the early days so you’re not overwhelmed. But then those feelings come back gradually and you wonder why you still feel so bad. Clearing the house must be hard, all those memories. Allow yourself to feel things, it’s all normal unfortunately. Sorry I know they doesn’t help, but you’re not alone. One step at a time xx

[Aldehyde]

Oh I absolutely recognise this side of grief. My Mum's house has always been home, even though not a childhood home, and I always had my bedroom there & stayed over with my dog and could visit other family & old friends in the area, so facing having to sell not only takes away that reminder of her but also my place to stay that allows me to maintain other relationships in the area I grew up in. It's loss piling on top of loss.
My Mum passed away 4 months ago. I thought I coukd start sorting through her clothes, but when I tried to do it I went from feeling ok to just not being ok at all. Grief comes in waves, first it's a tsunami but now it leaves me alone for a while before sweeping back in. You're allowed to deal with things at your own pace, within any practical constraints of course, so if you can afford to hang on to the house for a bit longer that may help. Or do what I did & takes lots of photos & walk around videoing the house whilst talking about your memory of you & your mum there & how you feel. You can hold onto these to help ease the hurt. Take care of yourself.

[Pal1mpsest]

Thanks all, again. It’s really so kind of you. The stupid thing is that I always vaguely thought I’d move back to my hometown and somewhere at the very back of my mind I suppose I felt I’d always have the house. I even explored the possibility of buying DB out but there are such huge complications it isn’t doable on a practical level. Though a nagging voice inside me keeps saying I'm being a complete fool for not making it work.

[Pal1mpsest]

My sympathies to you as well @Aldehyde - going through the clothes is awful, isn’t it?

[StopGo]

Very tight hand hold here to you and everyone else. I'm about 20 months into losing DH during lockdown. It still hurts so very much. The loss of a friend's dog yesterday has really affected me (and them). He was my cuddle friend.

[TellySavalashairbrush]

Big hug to you op. What you are feeling is totally normal. My mum passed 3 years ago and I still drive past her house at least once every couple of weeks (it was council and new people are in there now) and feel sad at the way it has gone from a lovely warm, clean family home to a dilapidated mess. The grief becomes more bearable, but never goes imo. I find myself using her phrases and sayings more often these days, it just helps me feel that she is still around somehow.
Ignore the FB posts (maybe mute them?) one of my siblings posts similar things which make me feel excluded, so for my own sanity I just mute her now. Thinking of you op.

[Pal1mpsest]

Ah, bless you @StopGo, that’s hard - there’s a neighbour’s cat here who loves coming round. I’m already thinking that she'll come looking for me and not understand where I've gone. Hugs to you.

[SarahShorty]

You're not silly at all 💐This is a normal part of the grieving process. You need to take time for yourself and we are all here if you need to talk. Losing a loved one, especially a parent is extremely hard for even the seemingly most toughened and stoic of people. Take as long as you need. Sending you big hugs and warm thoughts.

[softglammmmmm]

I’m so sorry you lost your mum @Pal1mpsest. I was coming on to start a similar post when I found yours.

I lost my mum 10 months ago. Today I was upset about something and was so desperate to speak to her. It was like a physical pain. I think of her often but struggle to cry now - even though I sometimes want to so badly. Today I visited her grave and sat and sobbed.

I just miss her so very much - I understand your pain ❤️

[Pal1mpsest]

I’m so sorry, @softglammmmmm. Yes, I think that’s when it hits home, when you suddenly think, 'I must tell Mum', or 'Mum will love this'. Then you remember.

I was supposed to talk to DB about the house yesterday but he didn’t ring me as he'd promised and then when he did, it was late and I was just going to bed, exhausted from a very long and delayed drive and feeling pretty overwhelmed by all my emotions at being here. He’d been spending the whole evening helping one of his in-laws with something - having literally just got back from holiday with them and SIL's extended family. It feels as though our family - and it’s tiny, pretty much just him and me now that mum's gone - has been wiped off the face of the earth.

I don’t think it ever occurs to him for a moment that it might be OK sometimes to say 'no - I’m going to help Pal1mpsest now, she needs me'. This is part of what makes it all so hard.

[FluffyFluffyClouds]

Sorry for your loss OP.
Mute your SiL, it's what that mute function is made for!
Once upon a time your Mum and Dad were raising small kids in their home, and hopefully now that cycle of life and love can start again.
It is very hard. I parked outside my childhood home where I lived for 10 years and just - "you can never go home again" - other families had lived there for over 3 decades and my Mum had been dead for over 2 years but it was like someone shoving those facts in my face. I'm finding it hard to put into words.
I guess part of us feel that "home" is where you can clamber out of bed and go and find Mum.
So I guess all our family homes will be "home" again now to new generations of 8 year olds in dressing gowns, strewing toast and squash behind them like some sort of crunchy snail.
Still quite painful to get our heads round, nonetheless.

There seems to be a thing where some men unconsciously (she said charitably) move from being looked after by their Mum to being looked after by their wife and ILs and have a Darwinian instinct to keep the current "staff" sweet and on-site - if they don't get any benefit from other friends and relatives, it somehow doesn't occur to them to pay much attention to them. Risky strategy, tho, cos what goes around comes around!

[Pal1mpsest]

Thank you, Fluffy. Stupid question but can someone tell when you mute them? I don’t actually go on FB much and don’t post on it myself, but I needed to know when they were coming back for entirely practical reasons and just stumbled across the upsetting post.

I'm venting now but I’ve spent the morning alternately trying to gee myself up to clear more things out, and just feeling dead inside. Spoke to DB last night and it seems to be my job to contact the estate agent to get the ball rolling on selling our beloved home. He hasn’t done any of the clearing out although he lives very locally while I’m a long distance away and it means a significant journey to get here and back. I’ve been a number of times, fitting it round work and doing it gradually, and yesterday he said 'wow, last time I went there I could see you really have taken loads of stuff, it’s looking much emptier!' as though it was some fun thing. Maybe I’m expecting too much but it would be nice if he even said thanks for doing it. It’s really so hard. DM died here and so did my DGM, years ago, so there’s a lot of history to say goodbye to.

At the moment I just feel so very alone in the world, DM and I were very close and a huge part of my life feels as though it’s been ripped away.

Off to the tip with more stuff to junk now.

[mrssunshinexxx]

@Pal1mpsest you are far from silly. I'm sorry you are deeply grieving your mum too. I lost mine 2 years ago yesterday and I miss her every moment. Her house was the only home I ever knew she died when I was 27. Sadly since then my dad who she was married to for 40 years moved on less than 6 months after she died and moved another woman in. Since then I've seen her selling or giving away my mums things. I know longer speak to my dad.
It knocks me sick sometimes when I fully enable myself to think how much my life has changed and how genuinely perfect my life was before she died. Pregnant with my first and blissfully ignorant to trauma and grief x

[Pal1mpsest]

I am so sorry to hear that, @mrssunshinexxx. That must cut you to the quick.

Sometimes I see adverts and so on with people doing fun things with their families and I find myself thinking ‘they’ve got all this to come, they have no idea’.
I wouldn’t say I’d moved on, exactly; I was still very much grieving my mum, but I felt I was progressing reasonably well. This week has really set me back with having to confront losing the house.

Thanks everyone for being so understanding.