My colleague has died

[SoManyQuestionsHere]

She was my senior but lateral and hence "not my boss". I just really wanted to be just like her one day, having had the privilege of working with her a few times.

No, it's nothing like losing family or a close friend - but I'm 40 and I have found myself sobbing relentlessly over her death. More so than when my grandparents died in their late 80s/early 90s. I may have "loved them more", but it seemed natural.

She wasn't even 50. It just feels so unfair for all that spirit, talent and personality to be gone at such a young age.

I will miss her so much!

I am so sorry for your loss x.

She seemed like a big part of your work life, that is probably why you feel so upset, you spend a lot of time with her and looked up to her. It’s a horrible shock even if you know it’s coming xx

It's totally normal and okay to grieve a loss, especially an untimely one. Take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Op I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost a colleague suddenly in 2009 and the impact it had on all of us on the team was massive. She was a good bit older than some of us but was one of our gang. Many of her peers had advanced to senior levels but she had never aspired to that and was perfectly happy in her role. I think I cried more at her funeral than many others. Her desk remained empty for a couple of years afterwards until we had no choice but to fill it as our team expanded. We spend more time with colleagues than many family members so what you're feeling is very normal.

Oh no that’s very sad I would hate to lose any of my colleagues. I’m sorry for your loss, can you talk to other colleagues? They may well be feeling the same.

Sorry for your loss

MrsAliceRichards is right, we often spend more time with colleagues than with family and so their loss can have a much bigger impact on our day to day lives. There’s probably also an element of it reminding you of your own mortality; grandparents are supposed to die at some point, their deaths are very sad but can be a bit of a celebration of their lives too. I have found it much harder to deal with the death of much younger people.

I'm sorry. Death is upsetting. It's right to grieve. I lost a boss to cancer but he was 68. I still miss him but things moved on. Its important to keep things in proportion because at the end of the day work colleagues aren't friends or family even when you see them more than friends and family. Don't let yourself get overwrought.

I often think our grief ends up directed at our own mortality as well as the deceased.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I lost a colleague of mine in December 2020, he was like a father/older brother figure for most of us. I had known him for 17 years and he was like family. When he passed away initially I was numb, but I was a wreck at the funeral like the rest of my colleagues. 2 years on and we're still missing him, if someone needs a pep talk we remember him, if there's a pregnant lady in the department we remember him (he wouldn't let you lift anything if he knew you were pregnant). We have a framed photo of him on a shelf to make it feel like he's still with us.

I can feel your pain OP

Thank you all, for your kind words!

I'd never considered it, but it's true, of course: we spend such a lot of time with our colleagues, more than with immediate family or friends, really, that it's little wonder that they become important to us.

We aren't attending her funeral since it's close family only (which I can fully understand) but a bunch of us did meet up for "dinner, drinks and stories about X" on Thursday. Which was really, really lovely! Yes, it was sad, but we also laughed a lot. I thought it very appropriate for who X had been. And it was lovely to see how many people wanted to come - especially going into the Easter break. It really speaks to how great she was.

Sounds like a lovely way to remember your friend, OP. I'm sure she knows how much she meant to you all.

The colleagues we work with are a massive part of our lives! I often comment that we are "one big happy family" where I work, and by that I mean we support each other, amuse each other, infuriate each other and more!

Two of my colleagues died at the start of covid. I was saddened by both, but one of them really upset me. Despite him being the older of the two, it was more unexpected. He was so fit, hardworking, and could just be relied upon. He could also be stubborn, and he loved a good rant! I still miss seeing his face light up as spoke about his grandchildren.

It doesn't matter how we came to know a person. It matters that we are glad to have known them.

I had a collegue die suddenly at 42. Lovely good-hearted person. Small company and she'd been there 10+ years. She had a DH and 2 teenage children.

What I thought was nice is someone at work organised everyone who wanted to to contribute an anecdote about her at work. They put them in a notebook and gave them to the family for them to read when they were ready. Think it will be nice for the DC as they get older to have a glimpse of Mum as she was at work.

@unidentia, just wanted to come back and say "thank you for the suggestion".

Having had a little time to cry, mourn, and digest, this is what I have gone ahead and have organised. The parcel went out to her husband, via our HR, today.

It's been truly heart-warming!

Contributions ranged from "when X was relatively junior and we walked through Beijing, on a business trip, all drunk, trying to get back to our hotel ..." over "when I had the privilege to pitch-coach our team and the honour of learning from X what 'authentic, warm, and still all business and competent to the max' could look like at its best", to "when my peer and I emptied a bottle of wine and just cried over X, knowing she was gone, knowing that, as woman leaders, we had lost a role model as well as a friend".

It was heart-wrenching but also heart-warming. And I hope that, one day, maybe when they are teens or young adults, X's children will take a little piece of comfort in knowing that "mum at work" was an inspiration and a role model!