10 years on...

[Overload101]

Not even entirely sure why I wrote this post other than I'm having a crap Monday, which leads me to think about everything and I think I just need to let everything out.

My lovely mum passed away a little over 10 years ago from a combination of terminal cancer and an unconnected bowel issue. She was only 57 and I was in my first year at uni. She first got ill when I was 5 and sadly, some of my first memories are my dad taking us to hospital to visit her after school.
After this she did have about 10 years in remission but it came back and deteriorated from there. I feel so much guilt looking back at this time... Knowing what was coming but even then not helping her as much as I would if it were happening now I'm older, for example or being too busy out with friends to spend time with her.
I know this was must've been my way at the time to deal with things and sticking my head in the sand but I feel so much regret over those missed moments and time. I'd do anything to get that time back. Looking back I wish I'd sought out some sort of counselling to help me work everything out, but I guess I felt I was fine. However, now I only have to think about my mum or how unfair her whole life was to then burst into tears. If anyone even mentions anything to do with parents to me I just don't mention my mum because I don't want the questions /awkwardness. I either divert altogether or just say mum and dad. I then just hope they never uncover that she's died somehow as they'd wonder why I never mentioned it... I guess as I'm still young, people just assume both parents are still here. I'm at an age now where everyone is getting married or having children and it breaks my heart she won't be there for any of it and she'd of been a great granny, can guarantee she'd of always been helping out and getting involved.

The whole situation has also led me to worry about my own future and health.
My maternal grandmother passed away when my mum was a small girl of a bowel problem, again she had been sick for a long while. I have a, possibly irrational, fear that history will repeat itself (I have IBD) and if I have children I won't be around for them either or my partner.
Has anyone else ever been in this type of situation where you fear history repeating? Did you speak to anyone even so late on after the fact or just hope for the best that you'd be healthy?

Thanks for reading

[Berries8]

So sorry about your mum and your worries. So unfair.

Yes, I have family members in a similar situation and they are just doing what they can with screening, not sure when they looked into it though. Could you discuss your fears with your GP?

[Associatepeggy]

I am so sorry for everything yiu have been through. Do not feel guilty. Easier said than done, I know. But your mum would have wanted you to go out and have as normal teenage years as possible. I know this because my dd is a little younger than you were your mum died. I know I would want that for her.

My mum died 15 weeks ago. I am late 30s (mum was 66) and she wasn't sick, so I can pretend to even comprehend what you went through. But she did die of what her mum did and I have the fear too. She also died 10 years younger than her mum and I am terrified it will get me 10 years earlier than her.

I have no advice really. I am just trying to be as healthy as I can and look after myself. I could only suggest starting off by speaking to your gp and see if there's screening available. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone in your fears and give you my condolences.

[Beneficentbovine88]

I'm sorry you are feeling so upset Overload101 what you went through as a teen ten years ago was very unfair and I am so sorry for your loss ever since .

Fwiw, speaking as a mother of teen daughters and being about the same age as your mother when she died, I just want to reassure you that there is no need to feel any guilt about not helping her, or going out with friends etc. The plasticity of the teen brain (their frontal cortexes do not form until approx 24 yrs) and it's relationship to their limbic systems means that teens are physically incapable of having the same emotional intelligence as an adult. And this is the same for teens the world over! So your mother would have intuitively understood that (as I do about my teens) and probably would have been thankful and relieved that you had a protective "selfishness" about you (not really selfishness because it's in-built) that enabled you to see friends and be preoccupied with your own life while one of the worst things that can happen to a teenager was happening. I know I would feel relief , should I be in the same position. She loved you and seeing you being able to go out and enjoy time with friends was probably of great comfort to her actually and one of the few things that would have made her feel good during a very sad time for her.

As for your own health, it's very understandable that you have fears but none of us can see in to the future so all you can do is hope for the best and prepare for the worst, just in case. Although it's very hard, try not to let fear and anxiety about this overwhelm you so that you can use that worry of yours productively and do the things you CAN control: eat your five a day, not too much red meat, exercise, cut down on alcohol, drink water, stay a healthy weight, be aware of potential symptoms or changes in your usual habits and get regular check ups. All the while bearing in mind that knowledge of, and treatments for, bowel cancer are improving every day and are better now than they were even five years ago.

And if you can afford it, why not have say six or eight sessions with a licensed psychologist focused on this subject so that you can work through it with support? Losing a mother is such a traumatic thing to happen to a teenager, you probably only now are in a space where you are able to explore it.

Good luck

[Beneficentbovine88]

I am sorry for your loss too Associatepeggy

[Rupertpenrysmistress]

Sorry to hear about what you have been through. As a mother of teens this is what I would have wanted my dd to do. I would imagine your mum would not have wanted her illness to affect you too. I can understand why you are now looking back with life experiences and hindsight.

If you can, I would suggest you access counselling to help deal with these emotions. Regarding bowel problems, my DH has IBD to, and as I am sure you know that more screening is done than those without IBD as the risks are well known. As another poster suggested have a look at preventative care and take steps to stay healthy.

I hope you find peace, I can feel your pain in your post.

[ShavingTheBadger]

Really wise words from @Beneficentbovine88 and others on the thread. My mum died of bowel cancer 26 years ago when I was 23. The doctor at the hospice sent me for genetic counselling as our risk will be higher. They explained that the average woman has an 18 in 1 chance of getting bowel cancer, and our chance is 1 in 9. I freaked out about this a bit at first but they then explained that I would have an 8 in 9 chance of NOT getting bowel cancer. They also said, quite specifically, that some studies show that eating green bananas and potato salad helps.

Other things I do (apart from consuming masses of green bananas and potato salad obvs!) is -

• walk every day, at least 3 miles.
  
• five a day and lots of fibre
  
• stay out of the sun (we have a lot of skin cancer in my family)
  
• get a decent critical illness/life assurance policy to put your mind at rest about your kids future. Might not be expensive - mine isn’t cheap but I have PCOS which has surprisingly doubled mine due to heightened risk of stroke, diabetes etc. but I still have it.
  

And it’s ok to cry about your mum and everything you and she are missing. At the grand old age of 47 I met a guy who she would have utterly adored, and that makes me cry sometimes. Sometimes I just really miss her and my dad, but especially her.

[Overload101]

Thank you all for your kind words and I am so sorry that many of you have the similar experiences and loss as me. It's just so unfair. Its just a day by day thing, some days are fine, some aren't.
I will definitely speak to my GP about the possible genetic links and will also maybe seek out some form of counselling as per pp I don't think I have really started to process it until recently. I really appreciate everyone that's responded and take comfort in that I'm not alone. I hope you are able to all find peace in your own journeys and for those who also have the same health fears that we are able to overcome the fear and that we will be fortunate to stay healthy.