Need advice, maybe even a bit of handholding for those in the know.

[Orangesox]

I very suddenly, and completely unexpectedly lost my Mum on the 31st January. She had just turned 61, I’m 33. Because of the circumstances I’m awaiting a coroners verdict and death certificate etc. I’m an only child, and sole executor and beneficiary of her will. We worked together, spoke almost every single day, and were incredibly close.

She had no life insurance, and a mortgaged house in which she lived alone so I need to get on with preparing the house to market it, for the sale to go ahead to settle the mortgage and a secured debt, and then complete probate.

In my mind I know that deciding which of her items to keep, and which I cannot keep is going to be the very hardest part for me whilst preparing the house, and I know that I absolutely cannot market the house with her personal belongings in there (she would HATE other people touching or messing with her things) so I’m thinking of getting rid of the easy wins, the spare bedding, towels, misc clothes of no importance to me, every day plates and such like, and then packing up the rest of her personal effects (the China, Glass wear, decorative ornaments that I don’t wish to leave in the house whilst marketing), putting them in storage and then dealing with them when I am emotionally ready to do so. I’ll leave enough furniture for the house to be appropriately marketed, and not a scrap more as it’s quite over crowded as it is.

I can’t really do everything all in one go as I work full time as a Nurse Specialist, the house is a 50mile round trip from me, and I have a disability which flares up significantly when I over exert myself - also I’m going to be dealing with the rest of her affairs alongside this too.

Does this sound like the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard? Or does it sound fairly reasonable and maybe a good way of ensuring I don’t have regrets in months to come that I’ve got rid of something in haste during my grief that I cannot replace?

If anyone has any tips or suggestions please give them - I don’t have a clue what I’m doing with this, and none of my friends, nor my surviving parent have lost a parent either.

[Stopsnowing]

Sounds totally reasonable to me. Sorry for your loss.

[jowly]

Hi. So sorry you're facing this.

On a practical level you don't need to do anything about the house too urgently. I have been in your position. You need probate before you can do anything with your mums estate. Have you a solicitor yet?

The mortgage provider gave me a year to sort the house and sell it , just giving me a final fee at the end of what was actually 10 months I needed. You do need to inform the house insurance people though quite urgently.

[PragmaticWench]

Hello, couldn't go past when I saw your OP. I lost my Mum a year and a half ago and was incredibly close to her too.

You sound wonderfully practical bug also aware that you need to not be too ruthless otherwise you'll regret getting rid of things with emotional meaning. I really admire you! I think this is a great approach. I let me sister and DF deal with my mother's personal items, for various reasons, and now I'm left without silly things like one of her embroidered handkerchiefs.

[PragmaticWench]

Sorry, terrible typos there.

[PatterPaws]

Sorry for your loss OP.

Does the house have gardens? If so, maybe engage a gardener to come regularly just to keep things looking tidy. It will take some time before you can put the house on the market.

[Orangesox]

@jowly

Hi. So sorry you're facing this.

On a practical level you don't need to do anything about the house too urgently. I have been in your position. You need probate before you can do anything with your mums estate. Have you a solicitor yet?

The mortgage provider gave me a year to sort the house and sell it , just giving me a final fee at the end of what was actually 10 months I needed. You do need to inform the house insurance people though quite urgently.

Hi Jowly,

Already arranged unoccupied house insurance to come into play when the current insurers will cease to provide interim cover. Have spoken to all the relevant financial institutions etc.

Sadly I do sort of need to get this sorted sooner rather than later as my mum was terrible with paperwork, and did not name me as a beneficiary in any of her pensions etc. I can’t distribute the inheritance (to myself) from the estate until such time as I have paid off the house etc, and her secured debt is such that it’s racking up substantial interest all the time it’s not being paid and they will not give me too long before they want me to start making payments unless I can prove there’s nothing in the estate. I have a conveyancer, have obtained valuations for the estate and I’m just awaiting the death certificate to apply for probate, no IHT to pay, so will not be engaging a Probate Practitioner either as it’s a fairly uncomplicated estate. Also, once probate is granted I only have 6 months before Council Tax becomes payable again on the property - no guarantee of an extension after this of course.

It’s more the putting things in storage that I’m a bit uptipped about - I can’t decide if it’s bonkers avoidance behaviour or probably a better idea than killing my self to rush.

[Orangesox]

@PatterPaws

Sorry for your loss OP.

Does the house have gardens? If so, maybe engage a gardener to come regularly just to keep things looking tidy. It will take some time before you can put the house on the market.

Thankfully Mum had a gardener due to some ill-health so I will be keeping him on albeit at a slightly reduced capacity. Frontage is all hard landscaped so shouldn’t affected kerb appeal

[Fluffyfluffyclouds]

I'm so sorry OP. That's dreadful. I hope you can take comfort that you clearly did make the best of the time you had together.

Your plan sounds reasonable OP.
If you haven't got it already, usually the local council does a leaflet on the lines of, "Someone died on me what do I do now?!!" which is worth digging out .
Also as it's Feb, I'd go into the loft and check the pipes are all well lagged, as you'll be having the heating on low if at all, so you won't get the normal benefit of the house warmth sneaking up there.

[Ozanj]

You could have a sort and then hire a professional packer to help you transport the things you need. For an extra fee many will take things to the tip for you too. Estate Agents can also help stage the house and arrange the things that remain so do ask them for help too if you need itz

[jowly]

Hi again

As far as sorting through belongings, well it's really hard. You will have some time though; no idea how long probate takes atm (I waited nearly 6 months a couple of years ago) so you could do a bit of sorting. Perhaps just the obvious to charity shops etc. Take valuables home with you, think about selling some stuff and then store what you can't face.

It's just so hard. Feel for you x

[Fluffyfluffyclouds]

PS my Mum died over two years ago and there is still stuff of hers I've not sorted - though it's a different situation in that her partner has been left a right to live in her house, so I'm not paying storage fees and in fact it seemed best for both of us not to rush into sorting her stuff as it was hard enough for him to lose her without significant bits of furniture and items all disappearing at once from his own home!

I WILL say, anything particularly vulnerable to poor storage and important to you - paper, photos, things made from organic materials - consider taking them home. I've seen people lose photos when they were stored in a garage and ended up damp and stuck together. China and metal stuff is pretty safe.

Go with your gut when deciding what to store in the initial sweep. Some cooking stuff was very important to me but saving some (very!) old wooden spoons is not something you'd necessarily think to do.

Also, set some sort of schedule to try and deal with what's in storage - even if at first you go to the locker, have a cry, and don't do anything, you will eventually get going - you don't want to end up stuck in inertia and paying for storage for years.
Lastly, when dealing with the stored stuff, consider photographing things before you re-home them - that may make it easier to make decisions.

[captainmajor]

I'm so sorry for your loss , no words can ever fill the void you have but time does heal and help .
I have to get to bed right now but will add a better answer in the morning , I've been through this too and boy is it so hard , there really is no right or wrong to this just plodding on making adjustments as you go xx

[TempNameChangexx]

That sounds like a good plan - gets things moving while giving yourself time to deal with some of it later.
See if any of your local storage places will pick up your stuff and take it there for free - this is what I did when I needed to clear lots of space at my parents house (for other reasons)

[Bellyups]

So sorry for your loss

It’s a very reasonable plan. My mother did exactly that when my Nan died. She was able to then sort at a later time, and had no regrets xxxx

[notangelinajolie]

Sorry for your loss
But yes, it sounds like a plan. We emptied my mum's house of everything and painted the walls white and put grey carpets in. She loved colour and would have bloody hated the all the grey but she always made it clear that she wanted me and my brother to sell her house. She would have loved that we did it together and sold it for lots more than the estate agent said it was worth when he first came to value it. It was the right thing to do and we both did her beloved house proud. She would not have wanted strangers coming to view it while it was full of clutter - she would have wanted it all clean and shiny. Which it was. And sold to a family. Which it was
I packed up anything that had a special memory like ornaments, pictures, jewellery and a some clothes and put them in storage. Old furniture, kitchen crap, pans, plates, books and general everyday stuff was either given to the charity shop or binned.
Since then, I've been able to let a few more things go but there are some things that I will never let go. Just like she did with my dad's and my grandma's stuff - I found that in the bottom of her wardrobe
You do what you have to OP. Whatever you do with her stuff, your memories will always be there.

[Yearofthetygerburningbright]

Sounds reasonable to me so long as it's affordable. I worked with other family members when my Mum died (similar ages) on stuff to begin with, although it was mostly me dealing with a lot of her personal effects, and then took quite a lot to go through further later on. Am still winnowing down more things from time to time, or sometimes passing on to my own daughter.

[Orangesox]

Thanks all. Luckily we have a very reasonable temperature controlled indoor storage place near to where I live - we’ve used them before when we moved into a new build. I just know that I, or more likely, my husband, will throw something sentimental without thinking and I’ll be really upset by it - I’ve got nobody else to help me as my cousins are desperate to get in the house to see what my mum might have left around that’s valuable, and my friends are all mid baby tearing, mid house move or mid massive renovations, and my mum just wouldn’t want other people rifling through her things. Thankfully the decor is fairly neutral so I don’t need to do anything with that, I can see how that would feel like erasing your mum from the house @notangelinajolie even though your mum wanted you to sell and would’ve wanted the best price for it. I’m glad you understand about the personal effects, it sounds a bit trite doesn’t it but I just can’t leave her personal belongings in the wardrobes, the cupboards etc - it feels wrong and a intrusive.

[captainmajor]

Hello again I'm going to try and write some practical thoughts as to how I managed that may help or be relevant to you

I am the only child ( of and only child ) too and I have been in your position , my mum was also an only child and after sorting out her estate I suddenly was back to square one and dealing with my DGM's estate it was really hard

Looking back I think the practical thinking and paperwork that immediately needs attending to actually helps

I found all the people I had to contact - bank , council , insurance, utilities etc were incredibly professional and helpful ,

Like you are suggesting I put quite a substantial amount of 'stuff ' in storage and whilst it's a very good move short term make sure you do go through it and reduce it in a reasonable time frame as the costs really do rack up and also out of sight out of mind kicks in and it doesn't get sorted, I think it's also very hard mentally to keep coming back over the same ground and better in hindsight to be more ruthless that I was in the outset

The furniture from both houses was old/ antique and would never have worked in my house , I was very torn about parting with it but came to the conclusion that someone else would love it and look after it better than I would have so comforted myself that it was rehoused and still existed somewhere , some I sold on eBay other bits were taken by house clearance company

I kept all photos and paperwork boxed it up where it still remains today ( I really need to go through this at some point )

Clothing bags shoes etc I went through pockets and bags , bagged it all up and charity shopped it , ditto books , kitchen contents , nicknacks etc I tried to do this quite early on as it was very hard

I did find once personal items had been removed it was easier the house was less my mums or grans and more just a house

When going through things a very kind friend advised me when looking though and sorting bits if you come up against something that makes you very raw leave that area of sorting for now and work somewhere else , daft I know but it was handwriting and signatures that would grind me to a halt , but moving to another area of the house really did help

Like @notangelinajolie has said , I emptied completely, painted and presented the houses neutrally, they wouldn't have wanted other people to see their possessions in them or to have anyone rummaging through

Your memories of your Mum will always be there for you

[Orangesox]

@captainmajor thank you for coming back with all that brilliant advice. I really appreciate it, and it helps me rationalise the decisions I’m making right now. I’m unlikely to leave things to languish exponentially in storage, I think for me this is focusing on the here and now. I have horrendous ADHD that manifests in me going down rabbit holes when it comes to organising, so if I know it’s just packing things for me to come back to later when my brain is able to process things, I should be able to just get on with it without derailing and having some sort of panic attack in the house.

There’s a few bits of decorating to be done that I can get on with once I’ve done most of the clearing, and I’m going to swap over some of my old slightly weary furniture for my mums lovely oak pieces as I’d never live with myself if they got damaged whilst the house was being viewed, but I do want to market it with some furniture in rather than completely vacant. It’s also giving me something else to focus my brain on as I’ve now got a minimum 4 week wait for her funeral once the coroner returns their cause of death, and I know I can’t go back to work yet and make life or death decisions as I’m not fit to practice in any form in the state I’m in right now. I’ve pretty much sorted all the initial paperwork, and that’s again in stasis until I can commence probate, so don’t have that to distract me either!

Sorry for everyone’s loss on this thread, I really appreciate everyone’s input and the fact you might have had to internally relive some of your grief to give me advice.