Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

1 2

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Question about my dad's final moments Trigger warning

35 replies

nowayjose1 · 14/01/2017 18:16

My Dad died the day before yesterday. He had just turned 59. He died from
pneumonia.

I can't stop thinking about his last breaths. I've been trying to research online to make more sense of it but can't.

Basically as he was passing he made a gasp for breath twice. He didn't seem distressed but I'm wondering was this just an automatic body response for more breath or was he actively trying to breathe. I know it's probably the first but i just can't stop thinking and seeing it in my head I'm so upset thinking that he might have been scared or trying to hold on.

I also feel guilt. He couldn't really talk but he managed to tell me he knew he was dying and that he wanted to come home and die surrounded by his family. We spoke to the nurse and the palliative team had planned to discuss it with us but we never got the time. The nurse did say that she apologised to him that she couldn't grant his wish which I thought was really sweet.

Just wanted to get it off my chest I guess. Thanks for listening.

OP posts:

Report

WotsitWig · 23/01/2017 22:24

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I was with my mum when she passed away last year. Her final gasps haunt me to this day and like you, I struggled with making sense of them. It's an awful thing to witness.

heebiejeebie · 18/01/2017 22:24

If you look in Site Stuff there is a section called Mumsnet Classics.

nowayjose1 · 18/01/2017 12:55

Star2015 I'm not sure how to link but the title is called "what happens to people after they die" I think so should come up if you do a search x

OP posts:

UnbornMortificado · 17/01/2017 20:56

It's referred to as a death rattle were I live (north east) I've been with my grandad and ex-p's nanna as they passed and the likeness was eerie.

I've very sorry you have lost you dad

Star2015 · 17/01/2017 20:51

So sorry OP for your loss.

My nan passed away on 6th Jan and my mom who was with her described a very silimar reaction as she passed.

I'd like to read the thread in Classics, but cannot find that section - can someone please point me in the direction.

Hope time will ease the not so good memories OP and just the good ones remain.

mineofuselessinformation · 14/01/2017 22:26

I'm sure he would like it, Noway.
It's such a hard thing to deal with.
I lost DF at the end of October, and I'm still living in doubt about his end, even though I know in my heart it was peaceful, calm and pain-free, just as he wanted.
You can only go with your gut instinct at a time like this. and my wishes to you.

LandLock · 14/01/2017 22:25

Feel free to ramble on if you wish . A horse drawn carriage and pink floyd sound like a good plan.

MrsDustyBusty · 14/01/2017 22:19

I was present when my grandmother passed away and there was a last breath, quite a sharp one. I believe it's common and sometimes referred to as the death rattle.

May your father rest in peace.

nowayjose1 · 14/01/2017 22:16

Well my dad lived hard and fast! Sparkly Irish eyes, always getting into trouble but a heart of gold. He didn't really look after himself towards the end, he had diabetes and wasn't taking his medication properly, not going to appointments etc.

We tried and tried to help him (he and my mum divorced when I was little) but he would never listen to anyone, was very set in his ways!

Last year he was in intensive care for 8 weeks and we honestly didn't think he would recover. It was a miracle! But then it's almost like he gave up :-( ... it was so frustrating. He always used to say "I've had my time" errrm you aren't even 60! It made me so
angry. Like we weren't enough to make him want to live.

But I just think he couldn't live the quality of life the way he always had before he got ill and he struggled with that. I truly believe he wanted to die. Hopefully he is at peace now.

He's having a proper easy end send off with lovely black horse drawn carriage and with his favourite pink floyd song played so hopefully he will like that :-)

Sorry for rambling. Once you start you can't stop!!

OP posts:

Babyroobs · 14/01/2017 21:36

I have seen many people die in my profession. These last 'gasps' are completely normal and if your dad did not appear distressed in any way please don't worry. I'm sorry for your loss.

laurzj82 · 14/01/2017 21:02

I am so so sorry for your loss

I can only agree with pp who said this is totally normal. My mum did this just before she died before Christmas.

Do you want to tell us about your dad?

nowayjose1 · 14/01/2017 20:15

Thanks everyone, will definitely go and take a look at the thread over it classics.

So sorry for all your losses. The nurses were all so lovely, I will always remember that.

OP posts:

TeaCakeLiterature · 14/01/2017 19:27

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's never an easy journey saying goodbye.

My uncle did exactly the same when we were there with him - we were warned that that would happen and that it's totally normal and physiological, as other people have said.

VintagePerfumista · 14/01/2017 19:22

So sorry for your loss.

There was a "lovely" thread a few years ago, where several health care professionals talked about death, the moments before and after, and how they look after our loved ones.

It was very comforting. I think it was placed in Classics. Maybe when you are feeling less raw, you might like to read it.

ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin · 14/01/2017 19:18

So sorry for your loss. I'm a nurse and I just want to second what everyone else has said, it's a completely normal part of the process of dying. The lovely charge nurse on my first ward told me it was just the body coming slowly to a stop. Hang on to those memories and don't be sad about this, it's actually a sign of a peaceful passing.

DramaAlpaca · 14/01/2017 19:15

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad, OP

SpookyPotato · 14/01/2017 19:14

I agree about trying to remember every detail.. I drove myself nuts trying to remember his face after he died but couldn't get the image right, not sure why I wanted to remember as it was awful. But it fades

CMamaof4 · 14/01/2017 19:13

Its completely normal to do that nowayjose1 just your brain trying to make sense of it all. So sorry for your loss I know it is so hard and hurts so much, But that's all because you have so much love for him and wasn't he so lucky to have that and to have you there with him, Stay strong xx

SpookyPotato · 14/01/2017 19:11

So sorry about your loss OP He was young It is normal and it is an automatic response from the body. I know it's shocking to see though. When my dad died, he had fallen to the ground and my brother lifted him and he let out this long groan, but it wasn't him as he had gone. Ten mins later they moved him to a bed and he let another one out. I think it's just the lungs trying to take in breath/let out any air that's left.

nowayjose1 · 14/01/2017 19:05

Yes I think that's true about committing every detail to memory. I keep replaying the same bit over in my head. I feel like its a bit of a blank in my head so keep trying remember it properly. Thank you x

OP posts:

smileyhappypeople · 14/01/2017 19:04

My grandad did this and it was awful..... he wasn't 'supposed' to die. He had gone in for an operation and then went from bad to worse. They shocked us when they said he was going on to the 'end of life pathway' and my grandma fought to give him more care. It meant that when he did this it has haunted us ever since thinking that he was fighting to live. It's horrible

ReluctantlyRedundant101 · 14/01/2017 18:59

Those last moments will play over in your mind for a while but thats nothing to be frightened of I think its the minds way of committing every detail to memory but it soon fades and it won't always be the first thing you think when you think of your dear Dad.
So sorry for your loss

nowayjose1 · 14/01/2017 18:52

So sad to hear about your loved ones. But it has honestly given me so much comfort hearing all your experiences.

I need to concentrate on the memories of him when he was living. Full of life and mischief! Thank you xx

OP posts:

UncontrolledImmigrant · 14/01/2017 18:48

This is normal as in death can look like this.

I was with my grandfather when he died and he did this too. It was awful and I was afraid that this would be my lasting memory of him.

It wasn't and isn't.

May your fathers memory be eternal

Penfold007 · 14/01/2017 18:44

nowayjose1 I am so very sorry for your loss. I apologise if what I am about to say is a trigger for you or anyone else reading this thread.
I had a valued friend who had lung cancer, his biggest fear was dying alone so naively I promised to be with him at the end. The day arrived, like your DF he also wanted to die at home but ended up in A&E to be fair it didn't matter a jot. The staff were amazing and so respectful. They were very honest and told me the 'process' would be difficult but they would control his pain and distress. They made sure I was okay to stay and made sure I knew it was okay to leave, in fact his daughter had to step out of the room as his breathing became laboured and noisy. I stayed with him and held his hand. The staff left us both alone (after asking) we said goodbye and he lost conscious, his next few breaths were very laboured and distressing but he seemed very much at peace. I sat quietly with him and then the doctor came in and very discreetly recorded his death.
I'm glad I kept my promise and I'm convinced he was at peace at the end. So was your dear dad, please don't feel guilty.

Unflip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.