James, my boy.

[darumafan]

I wrote about James when he died. My username was mumof2teenboys then. It's his birthday today, he would have been 27 years old. It has been 4 years since he died, he committed suicide after a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I've been sitting here since 4am this morning crying, proper tears and nose running crying.
I'm not even sure why I'm posting but it hurts, my beautiful boy isn't here. He is never going to walk through the door again. He is never going to tell me what is going on his world. He is dead and gone, he made a decision and we have to live with it but it was the wrong decision. We love him and miss him, we need him.
He taught me everything I know about love, he taught me how to be an adult. We grew up together, we learned from each other. He gave me a purpose and a reason to be a better person. He gave me so much, he humbled me with his beauty and his intelligence.
He was funny and loving, he was clever and strong. He was angry and scared, he was hurtful and sad. He was my heart and my everything.
Why does it hurt so much this birthday? When do the tears stop falling so frequently? Do they ever stop falling?

[loobylou10]

I remember your lovely James . I'm so sorry x

[darumafan]

It's nearly Christmas, another one without him. Yet another Christmas meal with an empty chair, one less pile of presents to open, one less person laughing at the same old rubbish on the T.V. He loved my mince pies and my Christmas cake, he loved smoked salmon and scrambled eggs with bucks fizz for breakfast.

He loved going out with his brother and friends on Boxing Day evening, he called it ' The Boxing Day bash' they would all drink too much rum and sing silly songs. They have carried this tradition on, they still do it in his memory.

I miss buying him silly socks and boxer shorts, I miss buying him new t-shirts and things that made him smile.

I miss my son, I miss everything about him. I would give anything to see his smile, to hear his voice, to hug him one more time.

[freelancegirl]

I remember you and your two boys from before James passing away and then was devastated for you when I saw your message saying he had died. Over the last four years have often wondered how you were. Not sure if this helps but just to say a lot of us here who never knew you in real life remember you and James xx

[CloudPerson]

I'm so sorry
That's such an inadequate thing to say, but I am thinking of you and your son x

[MarciaBlaine]

Big hugs. I think you can never get over, but you will get used to living with the pain. My thoughts are with you xxx

[CookieDoughKid]

Trust that one day you will reunite with him in heaven. He is waiting for you, I'm sure. So so sorry. He gave you love and wonderful years. I can't imagine how much it hurts. Take it one day at a time, be kind on yourself. X

[thegirlinthecar]

[HopperBusTicket]

I'm so sorry.

[MrsPeppapig]

[TwitterQueen1]

to you OP, to you endoftheline and to all others who have been so tragically bereaved.

I cannot imagine a worse pain. I hope that one day you will find peace and a kind of acceptance.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

I also remember you
I think it's completely right to grieve for your loss and I how that you do have some stronger days x

[CambridgeReject]

He sounds like a wonderful person.

My brother was a James. He also died by suicide from severe depression. This was only 1 month ago. He was 29.

[BakeOffBiscuits]

I remember your original thread and James

It must never make sense to anyone who loved him and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

I'm so sorry to read this. I have a little 3 year old DS who is also James and your post had touched me greatly.

What a lovely boy your James sounds; a son to be very proud of.

I know there is nothing I can say to help but I hope you can keep talking on here - there's always someone to listen

[DollyPlastic]

I remember you, and your lovely son, James

[darumafan]

Thank you for listening, and thanks for remembering James. I spent Saturday in a reflective mood, lots of happy memories. He was such a lovely little boy who grew up to be a good friend, a loving son and devoted brother. He loved his friends and would have given them the shirt off his back. He couldn't see why we all loved him because he couldn't love himself.

He didn't deserve what happened to him, he was scared and couldn't help himself. We couldn't help him, we couldn't save him.

My beautiful, blue eyed boy. My love for him is infinite and stronger than me.

[teaandakitkat]

I have a James too.
I am so sorry your James died.

Sending you love xx

[glitterandtinsel]

Can you get bereavement counselling? I think suicide is harder to come to terms with. Your poor boy. I have just the depression and have been suicidal, so I can understand that side. Crying is really healthy and a way to come to terms with what happened.
Lots of love for you.

[whatwoulddexterdo]

Sorry but I do not remember your original post but my heart goes out to you. As the mother of two sons I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling. No help to offer but couldn't read and run. Please try and look after yourself. Once we mother we open ourselves up to pain. I hope things get easier in time xx

[saranuff]

I remember your tale. I remember your James. I'm sure lots of mumsnetters do.

There are so many heartbreaking life episodes that we read about here and I often wonder how people can cope with the sadness. But they do. But it's hard.

[endofthelinefinally]

I am so, so sorry darumafan. It is the worst pain imaginable.
It is almost 3 months since I lost my older son. It will be his birthday in January. He would have been 28.
All I can do is share your tears and send you my love.

[OohhThatsMe]

I remember your original thread, too, and the very moving way you spoke of him. Of course you're upset today - the memories of other birthdays and the day he was born must be overwhelming. Take care of yourself and make sure you're with others who loved him.

[SilverNightFairy]

So sorry for the loss of your boy. I'm sure all the memories are flooding back. You gave birth to a gorgeous son and now he is gone. I imagine the pain is gut wrenching. Be easy with yourself today. Do what feels right to you to honour his memory. I will be thinking about you and James..xx