my friend is so nasty..cant believe what she just said

[buffythenappyslayer]

i had mc in march.and my friend was pg at teh time.

she said quite a few horrible things to me when i told her i had mc'd,one being it served myself right for not being sterilised,after all,what did i want more kids for!

i was so upset and didnt reply to any of her messages.she kept sending me pics of her growing bump,and still i ignored her texts.

she had her baby last month,and her dh rang to let me knwo.i am pleased for her,they have been trying for another one for years,and this baby is the result of a 2nd ivf.

i sent her a card and a prssie,and have started replying to her texts again.

but she has just sent me a message nopw,first of all she sent a pic of her baby,then she sent me a message saying "ha ha,ive got what you cant have!bet you are so jealous.im glad you had mc now you know how i felt"

the last bit referred to when i was pg with ds2 she had a mc.i never sent her pics of her belly,or nasty messages.

i am so upset,i just cant believe her.i text her back asking her why she said that and she hasnt replied yet.

should i ring her and have it out with her?i mean,whta is her problem?

[MrsJohnCusack]

VVVQ says what I think - at least there may be a reason for such bizarre behaviour
glad she's hopefully getting some help and hope you are doing OK

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Agree with Carmenere....

I guess Im kinda glad for you that there is a 'reason' for it other than plain nastiness. If that makes any sense at all...

[JennyLee]

if she texts you again and upsets you maybe would be worth getting a new sim card for your phone so she cant do it anymore.

[crunchie]

Buffy you did the right thing, and luckily your dh and her dh have been able to talk, It does sound like PND/depression and she shouldn't take it out on you. But she is ill. Hopefully her dh will keep in touch and you and her will be able to get over this, as it could well be the thing that has made her get help, so in fact it could turn out to be a good thing after all IYKWIM

[Carmenere]

Well look, that is about the best outcome there could have been really. She is getting the help she needs and you know that what she said was the ramblings of someone who is unhinged. I'm sure when she is sorted out she will feel mortified.

I recently had a huge argument with a vey old 'friend' of 18 years. She totally over stepped the mark and I vowed never to speak to her again. The next time I saw her I was curt yet polite and then when I was leaving she gave me a hug that was like she was hanging on for dear life and I realised then that the horrors she has in her life, and they are hideous, are much worse than mine ever could be and so I forgive her.
Put some time between you and this person but leave the door open for being friends again in the future. Life is too short to bear grudges against someone who has bad PND.
I think you have dealt very well with this btw.

[prettymum]

its good that at least they're talking now and they know there is a problem. its good that she is getting help for the sake of her baby, if she needs support let her come to you and you can take it from there, do what you think is right

[Fimbo]

Sad as it is your friendship has come to an end, hopefully she will now get the help that she needs.

[buffythenappyslayer]

her dh has rang this morning.i didnt talk to him,dh answered.

her dh has taken time off work and they are going to the doctors today.he said she said she was sorry for what she said to me,andshe has admitted that she doesnt feel how she thouht she would about the baby and that she isnt coping.apparently her mw had said she thought she could have pnd but friend didnt tell her dh!

she said she feels angry,not just with me,but because i have 5 children,she said she is jealous that i havent had any trouble conceiving and she had to have ivf.(me and dh have been trying for another baby for months now,and no luck)but i havent told her that.

my dh told hers that at the moment i dont feel i could be a friend to her (probably not the best choice of words for him to say) but he did say that i hope she gets the help she needs.

i do feel sorry for her,weve been friends for so long and to end our friendship this way is heartbreaking,but i know that i could never be like i was with her,not after what she has said.

thank you all for all your advice and support!

[JennyWren]

Oh horrors - I really should preview!!!
I meant to say that at the time she has been a terrible friend you have been the best.
Sorry!!!!!!!!

[JennyWren]

Hi Buffy,
I'm really dorry that your 'friend' has behaved in this way - it is awful, and everyone else has said that far better than I can. But as the daughter of someone who has in the past suffered with mental health problems, can I please tell you not to feel guilty about how you have ended your relationship. By keeping talking to her at the moment you could do nothing but fuel this, but you have done for your (former) friend the single best thing you possibly could: you have told her husband what is going on. It is only too easy for a person with some mental illnesses (for my mum it was manic depression, which may be a possibility for your friend, too, given what you have said) to behave in a much more normal way in front of their own family, to the extent that more distant friends are very much aware there is a problem whilst the family is blissful in their ignorance. If my Mum's colleagues had contacted us, there is a very strong chance that my mum would never have become as ill as she did...
As other people has said, your friend does have people who will support her if she is ill - and now the know she really needs that support. At a time when she is being a terrible friend, you have been the worst - she may hate you for it now, but down the line she will (hopefully) be grateful. Please try not to think too badly of her - if she is unwell then she's not thinking straight. Later on she may well be mortified. She might never feel able to look you in the eye again and may not try to re-start your friendship, but if she does, please - even if you don't want to restart your friendship, at least let her down gently. She'll be vulnerable for a while to come.

[1Baby1Bump]

read o/p but no everyone elses.
she is not your friend dear, that's all i'm gonna say.

[FrannyandZooey]

Sorry Carmenere, I should not have been flippant about it perhaps, I was not trying to denigrate anyone's helpful suggestions

I do agree the friend needs help, yes

but the mood of the thread taken in total had gone a bit bonkers

[FrannyandZooey]

LOL

the whole thread had gone a bit psychotic, you know

Read it through from the beginning and feel your blood pressure rise

I just thought maybe Buffy needed some calm words at the moment, she has been dealing with this crap all afternoon

[Carmenere]

F&Z I just suggested that this may be a serious condition as the dw of a good friend ended up being sectioned shortly after the birth of their first badly wanted child.(they are all fine now thank God)
Obviously the things Buffys friend said were incredibly hurtful but if they are the ramblings of someone who is not in their right mind atm it might be a bit easier to deal with.

[Twiglett]

who you calling hysterical and shrieky .. YOU BIG TOFU-BURGER YOU!!!!

[FrannyandZooey]

This thread has gone a bit hysterical and shrieky, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry that anyone would say such a thing to you.

I hope you are ok, Buffy.

[Twiglett]

please read this summary of postnatal psychosis

it will not improve on its own .. but it does respond well to treatment

[Twiglett]

I don't think this is just nastiness.. I think this is a serious problem that your friend is experiencing

She definitely needs help

Ask your DH to suggest to her DH that he contacts the professionals

This is not the action of a woman who is coping .. although she may feel she is .. she sounds psychologically in need of help

Do not communicate with her anymore .. you are obviously a catalyst for he psychosis .. but ensure you have done everything in your power to make her DH see that she needs medical help before something horrific happens

Buffy .. you're strong .. you can do this .. if you put yourself to one side .. I'm sorry you've been hurt .. but she sounds totally manic (in a psychological sense) and like she may have postnatal psychosis

good luck

[boyzmom]

Hey Buffy.
When someone tries to upset you with nasty comments and you dont respond to them - who do those comments belong to ? HER. Your friend is beyond reasoning with at this point and will come to learn from her mistakes in due time.
Think of all the good things you have going on in your life - think of all the bad things that must be going on in hers. She should be on top of the world right now but instead she chooses to cause hurt. Leave her to it.

[Chandra]

It still hurts Buffy badly, and even psychiatrists are asked to "forward" patients when their own personal experiences make it impossible to guarantee impartiality. She is not in a position to help, both she and her husband have talked to the woman's husband already and he knows what is going on, time to back off.

[wannaBe1974]

I actually agree with Carmenere, this woman clearly has serious psychological problems and needs professional help. And yes she has a husband who is aware of the situation, but she also has a newborn child who could be at serious risk. I could completely understand wanting to walk away from her, but could you maybe have a long and serious talk to her dh and suggest that there is clearly something amiss, and that he should consider speaking to their gp/hv. It's very rare, but pnd can take on the form of psychosis, and it sounds to me as if this is what is happening to her, in which case she needs serious help, possibly even to be sectioned. If anything happened to that baby or to her dh as a result of her behavior you would feel awful, I know it's hard, but I really think you should at least speak to her dh and try and get her some help between you. It's possible she doesn't even know what she's saying due to her mental problems, and while it's extremely nasty and hurtful, it is very possible she has no idea what she's doing.

[bnm]

Carmenere - you are right of course but I think now that her own DH knows why should buffy(etc) suffer any more. Buffy(etc) unless you are prepared not to take any of her remarks seriously and are extremely tough I wouldn't have anything more to do with her.

[Chandra]

I disagree, they may get help from other person.

The woman is using Buffy's pain to hurt her, she well deserves to be dumped, besides, she is not alone, she has a husband and I supose some family and a HV.

[AnelaSunshine]

Buffy
Just read this - it's awful. Poor you. Perhaps the best thing to do to get it all out of your system is to take the higher ground.

Write a letter tonight to her and her DH. A supportive farewell letter if you like - saying that you can't believe that after nearly 25 years of friendship that it's all gone so stupendoulsy tits up.

You're delighted for their new arrival.. If she's not coping perhaps she should seek some support from HV, Mumsnet, relatives etc. Has she considered whether she's got PND? etc

Apologise if when she had her m/c you were in some way insensitve by being pg with your LO.

And finish it by wishing them all the best in their life but that you'd prefer not to keep contact.

That way you'll get a kind of closure from it knowing that you've done what you can for someone who's clearly not in a good place and you haven't closed the door completely on her.