Dad wants me to meet a woman he has been seeing

[footballagain]

Urgh. I don't know how to start this.........

It's next Friday.

Mum got her terminal diagnosis 26 months ago and passed away end October 2013. Before Christmas dad told me about a woman he had befriended. Then a month ago broached me meeting her. Next Friday.

I'm struggling with it. I don't want to lose my dad but I am finding this really tough.

I've got loads to say sometimes but have found myself completely tongue tied now I've tried to post about it!

I miss my mum.

[PantsOnYourHead]

I really feel for you foot

My mum died almost 6 years ago very suddenly. My dad was on dating websites within a week and 3 weeks after my mum died tried to move one of her friends in. My sister and I arranged bereavement counselling, he came back from that saying that the counsellor said that he was fine and that she (the counsellor) "fancied" him We both live next door and so he had plenty of support. We then went though a procession of women, several at the same time. He wanted to move another 2 in in that first 6 months. I don't think that either of us have ever forgiven him for the emotional rollercoaster he put us through. We were a very close family and the total disregard he had for us and the memory of mum was something that I can't forgive. I remember him saying that these things were ok because our loss wasn't as big or important as his and we just had to suck it up. We weren't allowed to grieve for our mum in those early days because we were so worried about him - our grief was like an empty wound and Dad would keep poking at it by insisting that we met all these women. He dragged them to all our family occasions and insisted they were treated like our mum. It made us both so angry.

After about 3 years it calmed down a bit. The current one he has been with quite a while.

It's ok to feel angry about this. You are not strange or odd. It's normal to feel loyalty to your mum. Whilst he will get on with his life, as my dad did and is probably still is grieving it doesn't give anyone an excuse to behave in a way that really hurts another family member.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

Perhaps when your husband said you were being awkward what he actually meant was I find this all difficult and strange and wish things weren't so I will say DW is being awkward rather then the situation as it was my MIL who died and not my Mum. Maybe your dh is grieving too and wants to support you but can't express his own grief at the same time.

[footballagain]

Oh and yeah, my colleague is an arsehole

[footballagain]

I'm sorry if I portrayed my husband in a really bad light last night. He was an arse, no getting away from it, and I told him so.

A lot of you have said the same thing in different ways - ways that make sense to you, and that have made sense to me, and have touched me.

I do feel very lost, it's a very consuming grief.

I did manage to have a sensible conversation with my husband today. We agree, she wasn't quite right. Maybe my 'odd' radar is working after all...

[AMumInScotland]

Well done for getting through it. It sounds like a frankly awful evening, even without the fact that you're dealing with your loss.

If it was me, I'd have a serious chat with husband about how, 4 months on from losing your mum, it has fuck all to do with you being 'awkward'. It sounds like he thinks you should just shut up and 'get over it'. Can I assume he's never had to deal with a close loss himself?

He needs a wakeup call. You're doing your damnedest to keep going and act ok in front of everyone else. It's not a lot to hope your partner might actually be emotionally supportive, and not leave you to talk to the woman without any help, laugh at her dragging you up onto a dancefloro when it is not your kind of thing, and then blame you for not bering fine about it all.

Oh and your colleague is also an arsehole, but people often are. Husbands are supposed to know you a bit better than that.

[BIWI]

Oh Foot - what an insensitive thing for him to say

I'm not surprised you're angry.

[redrubyindigo]

It is always going to be difficult. I lost my Dad a couple of years ago but would love Mum to meet someone to take her out and love her as much as Dad did and make her smile again.

[Sixweekstowait]

Foot - you sound such a thoughtful sensitive person - you deserve better. You've had two major bereavements in a short time and you are still so young. I was much older than you when my mum died( 12 years ago) and I can still vividly recall the desolate, ineffable feeling of sadness that would overwhelm me. In E.M. Forster's novel, Howard's End, the bereaved father marries again and the grown up children are devastated - the author says something like ' a wife you can replace, a mother never'. You've behaved very well and I'm sure you want you df to be happy again - it's just about the time you need ( and I would venture to say he does) to grieve your mother properly.

[footballagain]

Thank you, but no.

my brother died in 2009 and I asked for help. My gp could only suggest cruse which has a huge waiting list, sadly.

The hospice my mum passed away at offer help I think, but I am preferring to run to raise money for them.

Thank you for listening and offering suggestions, I really do appreciate it.

[pippop1]

I wondered if you might find bereavement counselling helpful? A non-judgemental ear to "rant" as you call it.

[footballagain]

Thank you pippop1

Sorry for the rant. Got it off my chest.

[pippop1]

Of course grief is not age contained. Just ignore that idea.

It sounds as if the evening was very difficult for you. There is no need to think about seeing her in the near future so don't suggest it just to be polite if you don't want to.

Obviously she will never replace your Mum.

Take care.

[footballagain]

Well, it went ok and not so ok. I suppose as best as I could expect.

I'm really fucked off with my husband. I am prepared to be told I have been a complete bitch, if indeed I have. I can't actually see the woods from the trees anymore, about anything.

My dad's friend basically latched on to me (she and I were both nervous), and because I tried to make her at ease, my husband and father just spoke to each other for the first hour. Great, thanks.

Then we moved on to the restaurant. Again, she and I were sat next to each other. She was nice, I liked her, and I certainly didn't envy being in her place tonight. Then things took a bit of an odd turn. I am totally prepared to take criticism for my take on this.......she started to remark about how old the people in the restaurant were and how they could cater to a younger audience. I just said she should tell the management that a younger crowd would love it too. She then tried to drag me up on the 'dance floor' (a 4 foot square in the middle of restaurant tables), my husband and dad just thought this was hilarious so I had no choice. I fucking hate this type of thing but can bite my lip and go along with things when I have to.

On the walk home (dad and her have got cab), we bump into a colleague of mine. He proceeds to tell me about his friend who's wife died of cancer 2 months before my mum did - he's gone and moved in with another woman. His 23 year old daughter is struggling........I know the situation, I know the family involved. Then I get told it's not the same for me. Because I'm 37.

Wow. Thank you. I didn't realise grief was age contained.

And then I get home, try to express to my husband just how difficult tonight has, been just to be told that I'm being awkward.

I just wanted a hug.

FUCK YOU LIFE.

(Love you mum xxx)

[AMumInScotland]

Well done for talking to him - it sounds like the two of you understand each other's feelings, so however you proceed from here at least you're clear on where you stand at the moment.

Thinking of you for tonight. I have no doubt it'll be difficult, but at least now your dad knows that it's the rawness which is the problem, not that you've taken offence, so if there are awkward moments then you'll both be able to accept that and hopefully it won't drive a wedge between you.

Be kind to yourself. Four months is nothing, and all sorts of things can throw you right back to the depths of it.

[expatinscotland]

Tell him you need more time. He needs to understand, you just lost her 4 months ago and it's not all about him.

[BIWI]

I'm very sorry for your loss. And I can totally, totally understand where you are coming from. No-one can replace your mum.

However, your dad is alone. And he, as you allude to, has had to deal with the loss of his partner for some time.

He deserves a life, and to be happy.

But - he also needs to be sensitive to you and the fact that you are still grieving for the loss of your mother.

My mum died almost 10 years ago, and my dad has been totally bereft since then. I would give anything for him to have found someone else, who could make him happy in the last years of his life. He is desperately lonely and unhappy, and I can't do anything to change that.

You are naturally mourning the loss of your mother, but please consider that your father needs to move on, and that it isn't wrong for him to do that. It doesn't mean that he didn't love your mother.

[footballagain]

Thank you for all your replies. I have read them all and have spoken to my dad since.

I told him I was struggling with it, that I didn't want to offend him or drive him away. He was upset and apologised and said he would cancel it. I know I always act the pragmatic one - practicalities first, feelings later type...... So I said no to cancelling so it is still going ahead tomorrow night.

You've all said some really insightful stuff. He was grieving for mum long before she went, he isn't used to being on his own and I know she has helped him through a difficult period. I am very aware that I have my husband, my brother has his partner and dad has no-one. He is also worried about being vulnerable. I worry he will retreat into himself.

Well, that's as far as I can go for now. My husband tried to talk to me about it again last night but I just can't at the moment. I am doing as much as I can right now. I had a couple of dreams about mum a couple of weeks ago that deeply affected me and I think they still are. They are fading a bit now, becoming a bit easier.

Thank you to everyone who shared their experiences and views with me but Im sorry that it was your own your loss that led you to reply. I really appreciate you all replying.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

So sorry for the loss of your mum.

I am in the same boat - mum died in August 2010 and dad has a new girlfriend now who is absolutely besotted with. It pisses me off that (in my mind) he treats her better and spoils her more than he did my mum.

I have no interest in meeting her, she sounds awful. But.....I will have to at some stage but as he lives in Spain it's not going to happen soon and I am hoping they will split up before I have to endure her.

That sounds horrid but I do want him to meet someone and be happy, hate the thought of him being lonely...but I want him to meet someone nice and this person does not sound nice at all. He is just grateful she likes him, she is 11 years younger and he can't believe his luck.

[dietstartsmonday]

Firstly I am sorry for the loss of your mum.

I am hoping I may give you a slightly different view point on this.

We lost my mum 6 years ago, and I would have felt exactly like you do now at the time.

However 6 years on my dad is not over losing my mum, he has tried to kill himself 4 times and it will only be time until he tires it again. he drinks heavily too.
I would love for him to meet someone now ( and believe me I never thought I would say that) as it is so much more prefable to what we have.

I am not saying your dad would have gone the way of mine, and I suspect for you it feels too soon. But I just wanted to point out what else can happen.

So although you may not be happy about it, it might just be that your dad really needs someone.

HTH a bit

[HavantGuard]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

For your father, maybe try saying that you are glad that he has found a friend and you would be very happy to meet them in the future, but that at the moment you would find it too upsetting and that's about your grief and not any judgement on him or reflection on her.

[AMumInScotland]

I think since it is so raw and painful for you, it would be better to tell him that it is too soon, rather than agree to meet her and maybe resent it. People do grieve in different ways, so there is nothing 'wrong' about him wanting to start a relationship. But equally there is nothing wrong or unsupportive in you finding it too soon for you to meet his new girlfriend/partner when you are still in the early stages of dealing with your own grief.

I think a bit of honesty, telling him what you've said here, is the best policy. "I'm glad that this is something good in your life, but meeting someone you are involved with is not something I'm ready for yet. That's nothing against her or against you having a relationship, and I'm sure as time passes I'll want to get to know her. Just not yet."

[lurkerspeaks]

Explicable if you look at it that way..

No easier to deal with though.

Sorry.

[lurkerspeaks]

He probably started to grieve during the time your Ma was dying.

It is still hard but more ex

[TaraKnowles]

So sorry for the loss of your mum.

[CinemaParadiso]

Just wanted to reply because I was in a similar situation almost 4 years ago.

My mum died in Jan 2010 & my dad started regularly visiting an old friend of theirs in March. I naively thought at first how nice it was for him to have some companionship, but a month or so later he said they were "more than friends". I was devastated as I was still grieving & coming to terms with my mums death.

Eventually my dad wanted me to meet his new "lady friend" (we live just over 2 hours apart so don't see each other regularly) & I refused. For the first time in my adult life, I actually slammed the phone down on him in floods of tears. He rang several days later to apologise. But I don't think he ever fully understood the pain I felt at him finding a new partner so quickly. I really struggled with my relationship with my dad for several months.

By August 2010 he was engaged & they got married in March 2011. In those early days I found their relationship so difficult to accept. However, I kept thinking that because I'd lost my mum, I refused to "lose" my dad too. And as time has passed, I have come to realise that it's great that he fell in love again aged 74 and has someone to share his life with once more, someone to go on holiday with etc. And she has spruced up his wardrobe, dragged him to the dentist & given him a renewed zest for life.

They are both very happy & she is actually a lovely lady who I get on well with. So I apologise for all this rambling, but I just wanted to share my story & say that I understand how very hard it is when your grief is so raw.