To give some context, my sister died a few months ago. We had a very difficult relationship but I saw her in the hours before she died and said goodbye.
I took my mother to visit her birthplace this weekend as she is 80 this month. She has not been 'home' for a decade. I have not been there since I was a child.
We visited her mothers grave. She also told me that it is also the grave of her first son who died a few hours old.
It's hard to explain but I was really shocked. I didn't react but supported mum but I can't stop thinking about it.
I never really thought of ths first child as 'real' - it was like history if that makes sense. Suddenly I was standing at a graveside thinking about this baby - my eldest brother.
I think ths is about my sister and loss but it feels disproportionate. And I feel awful being so upset about a baby I never knew when I am trying to move on from the loss of a sister I knew for 50 years.
Is this weird?
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I am not sure why I am upset. Help me unpick this please
Pagwatch · 13/08/2013 15:38
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pag
last week we decided to go for baby number 7.....good choice I hear you say!
Yes, I found out as a teenager.
It was something that my mum talked about but not often. She told some of us but I am the 7th child and I think it was just one of those things - I never knew. Everyone that knew assumed that everyone else did but mum didn't talk about it much.
Don't forget, ths was 60 years ago and, in that place back then, a lost baby was something you moved on from. You were told 'never mind. Try again'. She talks now of how her arms ached.
I think the whole thing was awful for her - a private grief between her and my dad. While I knew this baby was born and died it never felt tangible - no date, no grave.
It was the grave that suddenly made him seem real in a way he never had before. Seeing his grave just months after burying her daughter must have been so hard for mum.
I am knackered. It's true
Abra let me jump into say that's how I read it at first as well.
but I'm pretty sure Pagwatch knew about the baby - as a fact, as part of her family "history" as she put it.
I think what was so shocking for her is not the news of finding out about him for the first time, but being confronted with the reality of the short existence of that baby - especially at a time of mourning the very recent loss of her sister.
but you are right, that scenario would be awful too.
a friend of mine didn't know for almost 50 years that her mother was adopted- which caused an awful lot of pain and regret and shock etc! things like that are hard to take.
Pag no wonder you are exhausted, poor you. I think that letting yourself grieve is very important. any way, anywhere and as long as it takes. I hope you have lots of RL support.
And I also think about your poor mum. she must be in pieces.
Hi ,
Yes - I am feeling better today, less strung out.
Ihad to make the jump fom the things I knew in my head to the things I truly understood . I think it was just a lot of grief and baggage all wrapped up together.
Having all the kind and intelligent comments on here helped me feel more rational and much less isolated, if that makes sense.
The downside is I am utterly knackered
You are all so incredibly kind.i appreciate it enormously, especially those sharing their own experiences of grief.
Sometimes it's quite a shock to realise your parents have a deep emotional attachment you haven't really thought about - maybe seeing the baby's grave in the context of your sister's death brought it home that for your mum he is every bit her child as much as you and your sister.
Sisters are special. Even the stroppy ones 
... It is right and good that you should grieve for her and miss her.
As for the brother you never knew. That is what you may be grieving for; the chance you never got to know him. Sometimes when a relationship with an existing sibling/relative has been a difficult one, we can project our fantasies of a 'perfect' relationship onto somebody else. This may or may not be happening with your baby brother and the idea of him being unknown to you. As Ben Jonson said 'In short measure life may perfect be'.
I have lost my Father, Father In Law and beloved cat all in the last year. Grief can be very messy, muddled and unpredictable.
Go with the flow Pag. Love to you xx
no, never to far - although I don't like touching boobs
so big hug here I come!
(HUG)
I too have an older brother who died as a baby.
I found it sad before but since I've had children I occasionally find myself crying about it. Not upset for myself or the baby that died as such but more for the pain my parents must have gone through now I have some inkling of how it must have felt.
Everything gets so mixed up in the pot of emotions though. After I had my dd prematurely and traumatically I had counselling. I didn't cry for the first few sessions. We talked about the birth, the worry and fear, my fear of losing her like my mum had my brother but it wasn't until I talked about our dog who had died exactly a month after dd was born that I broke down. Seems mad really, I wasn't sadder about him than I was dds miscarried twin or my brother but it was the stress point that gave way.
I'm not sure what I'm saying here really but trying to show how everything we are and feel is so mixed up we can't divide emotions up into compartments.
I have had no children since lunch time. I have curled up on the sofa with chocolate and mn. It's a mini therapy thing.
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