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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

my brother has killed himself...

66 replies

kneesofnorks · 10/12/2012 20:03

I feel so guilty I wasnt there for him, he lived in canada, im in england and i had no idea he was in such a dark place.

Its been 24 hours since we had a call from his local police and every minute feels harder and harder...

I dont have a passport and dont have the money for a flight over, my aunt and uncle are having to deal with it all as my parents arent fit to fly over, I feel like im letting him down :(

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Mollydoggerson · 19/12/2012 23:59

I'm so sorry for your loss and it's not your fault in any way, I hope you can all find peace with this terrible turn of events.

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roughtyping · 19/12/2012 23:41

knees, I'm so sorry for your loss. One of my friends committed suicide a few weeks ago and it's been horrendous, can't begin to imagine how you feel. Sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts to you all x

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Sunnywithachanceofjinglebells · 19/12/2012 23:38

Big hugs knees x

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kneesofnorks · 19/12/2012 15:56

Ive been back at work since monday, still not really sleeping but mostly feeling a bit normal. His death cert arrived today so thats knocked me down a bit. Off for a christmas meal with friends tonight, so im hoping that will put me in a bit more of a seasonal mood.
Ive probably spoken to my mum and dad more in the last 10 days than in the last 6 months, i think we're all making more of an effort to reassure each other...

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GRW · 16/12/2012 08:29

I am so sorry, and will think of you over Christmas and New Year. You are doing so well, and hold onto to the thought that for your brother the suffering is over and everything is ok. I remember feeling that too when my sister died, and it did help x

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Greensleeves · 16/12/2012 01:34

I'm so sorry. Take it one day at a time and be gentle with yourself

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ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 16/12/2012 01:32

Oh love - yes, it is all you can do, one day at a time. Sometimes it's one day, one hour, one minute - coping with 'right now'. You sound very strong though and are doing really, really well to be able to talk about him without crying. It is good that you can find a bit of peace knowing that he's not hurting anymore x

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QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 16/12/2012 01:10

I'm so sorry :(

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kneesofnorks · 15/12/2012 23:58

Im taking one day at a time, a cliche but what else can i do? I did a lot if crying and hugging with mum and dad on thurs, ive never seen them so upset.
Aunt and uncle sent pictures of his flowers and coffin, that was hard to look at, they said he looked peaceful and as if he was asleep, i feel a bit happier knowing he's at peace, after all if he had been in pain from cancer or something we'd have been glad he wasnt hurting any more, in a way its the same, just a different kind of pain?
I managed to talk about him without crying so i must be coping better, christmas will be hard but really new yr will be harder, he always called just after midnight and wont this year.

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ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 15/12/2012 16:51

Knees - just wanted to pop by and say that I'm still thinking of you - and of course your parents x

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QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 15/12/2012 09:09

How are you doing knees?

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kneesofnorks · 12/12/2012 19:07

He's being cremated between 3 and 4 tomorrow afternoon UK time. Mum and dad are coming to mine so we can be together

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Mindingalongtime · 12/12/2012 18:40

knees sorry for your loss. Canadian affair are good for flights as you can choose the cheapest out and back, they work on single flight dates. DS always books a single out and then decides when to come back dependent on price.

Take care.

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anonononon · 12/12/2012 17:17

Knees,
Please get yourself signed off - a Drs note stating unfit to work is a much stronger position to be in if you face a disciplinary for your sickness record rather than making it in some days and not others because you can't sleep or think straight.

I have never got to the bottom of why my DB did what he did, and can't understand it, even now. The best way I've found to deal with it is he made what he thought to be the best decision at the time with the information he had, however devastating it is to those picking up the pieces.

Be kind to your self. Its a cliché, but it really will get easier in time. However if I'm anything to go by, it will take a while (weeks-months) for you to be able to put it aside for few hours, rather than it being the only thing going round your mind.

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HolofernesesHead · 12/12/2012 17:15

Really sorry to hear this, Knees.

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ChippingInAWinterWonderland · 12/12/2012 17:07

Knees - I'm not surprised you couldn't face work today my love. No one with half a brain or half a heart would expect you to be there :(

I think having all of the truth is a good thing, otherwise you would be left with more questions than answers and that's really hard.

I am very sad that he thought this was the best (only?) option, but I hope he died painlessly.

Do you know what he was arrested for? Maybe the guilt or embarrassment of that was just the final straw for him? He seems to have been OK for money (as he's paid his rent in advance), so at least he wasn't forced into 'living rough' and 'commiting crimes' to exist.

Did your Aunt and Uncle see him very often?

It's so very sad, I wish I could give you a hug now and I wish he hadn't felt this was his best/only choice.

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kneesofnorks · 12/12/2012 16:07

Couldn't face work today, I didn't sleep last night again. We're getting more information each day and I'm not sure if it. Makes it easier or harder? He'd taken paracetamol so part of me is glad the hypothermia got him as that's more peaceful than a painful organ failure... part of it makes it worse that its confirmation it was deliberate

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ChippingInAWinterWonderland · 11/12/2012 19:10

They'll discipline you, for being signed off sick? It's against the law isn't it?

I don't suppose you can afford to tell them where to shove their bloody job?? :(

I'm sorry to hear you have found out more about your brothers circumstances and that he was in a dark place. Please don't feel bad for not knowing though, he's an adult, he showed you what he wanted you to see - you couldn't have known if he didn't want you to x

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GRW · 11/12/2012 18:41

You have done really well to get through the day at work, but if you feel you can't do it tomorrow in the circumstances I am sure your colleagues would understand.
i hope you can get things sorted so that you can be with your family soon x

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kneesofnorks · 11/12/2012 16:50

I cant get signed off sick, theyll discipline me i think as i was off for 6 weeks aug-oct due to illness....

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kneesofnorks · 11/12/2012 16:48

Ive been to work, i think i just went there on autopilot.. i dont think i actually did anything though to be honest. I have an appointment on monday at liverpool to get a passport, so much to organise as my expired pp was in my married name, ive reverted to my maiden name so have to produce birth cert, decree absolute, deed poll and marriage cert - i dont have the marriage cert as that went to the court when i applied for the divorce - so i need to get a copy asap. Issue is i married in scotland and live in leeds now so i think i need to find someone in edinburgh to get that...

Then the issue is finding reasonably priced flights.... ill literally go for as little time as humanly possible. Well find the money sonewhere....

I have found out more about thr circs and really there is no doubt he was in a very dark place, i just hope hes in a happy place now

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SaintVera · 11/12/2012 15:09

I am so dreadfully sorry. There are wise people on here who have been through the same and survived - I hope you can get comfort from their wise words.

My son died in July and I never knew the meaning of the word grief until now. It is so physical as well as mental. I would consider visiting your GP and asking for something to help you sleep too. Agree totally about time off work. Be as kind to yourself as humanly possible xx

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Northernlurker · 11/12/2012 10:12

You need to get signed off sick. I had 3 days off for my bil - and that was an expected death. The stress is terrible. It sounds weird but my eye twitched afor weeks afterwards. There are all sorts of physical effects. My dad's colleagues called an ambulance to his work a few days afterwards. Dad sat down at his desk and basically fell very deeply asleep, seemed a bit out of it and so an ambulance arrived! He was very embarassed afterwards but I think his body just couldn't do anymore so stopped.

Get signed off, take some painkillers for your head and drink plenty of fluids even if you can't eat. If you can't sleep spend the days doing something physical - run, swim, bike or garden and see if that helps.

I'm so sorry about your brother. We can't ever know the depths of a person's soul and it isn't letting people down to accept that.

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HoHoHokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 11/12/2012 10:05

Thinking of you this morning knees x

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zeno · 11/12/2012 10:03

Oh you poor dear, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. My sister killed herself and I remember little now of the early days but know how utterly and unremittingly ghastly it was.

Your gp should be able to sign you off as unfit to work. The physical effects of grief can be astonishingly severe.

Try to be kind to yourself. Survivor guilt is a huge part of a loss to suicide, no matter what the circumstances. One always feels that one ought to have been able to prevent it from happening, and there are an awful lot of "if only" thoughts to contend with.

Counselling can be very helpful, and there's an organisation called SOBs which is for survivors of bereavement by suicide. They have a terrific helpline, whose people helped me through some very dark hours of the night.