A child's development has nothing to do with parenting

[Reallytired]

My son's development was really slow as a baby/ toddler. He had physio to help him walk and he also had glue ear which delayed his speech. We are fairly confident there is nothing wrong neurologically with my son. He had orthopedic problems.

However at the age of seven he has now caught up and is enjoying school and has loads of friends. He can ride a bike and swim.

My five month old daughter development is quite advanced. She is sitting well without support and making attempts at crawling. She certainly wont be needing the child physio.

However my children both have the same father and have been parented in exactly the same way. It goes to show that development is luck and nothing to do with how good someone is at mothering.

It has been a surprise how different two babies are.

[Fennel]

I don't want to rain on your parade but my dd3 sat up well young (4 months). It was the ONLY thing she ever did young. She's not particularly slow but the early sitting hasn't translated into anything else very noteworthy.

I do agree though my 3 dds are utterly different in so many ways.

[MaggieVirgoOn]

KTNoo, I would say that the important thing is that that child (your friends) is more than capable of fitting in with his friends when he wants to. HE does know what's expected of him and he can conform.

Educational psychologist would be reassured by that. Have chatted to a fair few of those over the years with my two dc.

Your friends child might well NEED a bit of extra reassurance from his mum in the aftermath of a big change (parents separating) and tbh, if that takes the form of a bit of extra babying on their own terms, then it's not a big deal imo. I'd say it's meeting some need of his right now.

This is far more important than forcing him to conform to 'average' milestones just for the sake of it.

[cory]

My point KTNoo is that I would have sworn those children did not have any special needs either. One of them was not diagnosed until she got to Junior's. She was a charming outgoing child, who just seemed very very babyish.

Though of course I accept that babying could have a similar effect on an NT child and that may well be the case with your friend.

The thing that gets me, though, is that if you do have a child with developmental delays/invisible disabilities, people will automatically jump to the conclusion that your parenting is causing their behaviour and not vice versa.

[KTNoo]

Fair enough comment Cory, but the children I was referring to definitely don't have any delay or special needs. One of them acts in a totally different way with his father from his mother (they are separated) which is interesting. His mum (a lovely friend of mine, but we don't agree on much!) carries him around all the time at age 5 nearly 6, takes a pushchair when we go out, gives him a dummy whenever he asks etc, however with his dad he walks next to him carrying his own backpack like all the other kids in his class.

[MaggieVirgo]

Thing about autism is that because of the different way autistic people learn things, and the way the world is set up for the REST of the world, autistic children (pre dx) often aren't learning, so they ARE behind.

When my son was dx wiht GDDs a part of me thought, well it's not autism then. I was shocked when it did still turn out to be autism.

[cory]

I still blush at the two times when I have really judged friends for what seemed to me like babying their children and assuming they couldn't do things. It seemed SO obvious to me that these parents were holding their children back and that was the reason they seemed such babies. Both children have since been diagnosed with autism. The parents were simply responding to the abilities of the child they had. It must have been a great comfort to them to finally get an explanation.

I think it's a delicate balance, on the one hand not holding your child back, on the other hand working with the child you've actually got, not some general assumption about what children ought to be like.

[Piffle]

My dd has extensive issues rising from her Noonan Syndrome.
I was told when she was 5 that my parenting had been the main factor in her success at overcoming so many obstacles.
Don't sell yourself short OP!

[KTNoo]

I think this is too general - I mean, it NEVER occurred to me that I could influence when my dcs crawled or walked. (Obviously I'm not including children with disabilities). All 3 of them were totally different - dd1 crawled at 6 months, ds at 10 months and dd2 missed it out altogether.

But if you're talking about, say, development of independence, then I have consciously encouraged this and done specific things to try to get them to be more independent. I have at least 2 friends who, for whatever reason, don't seem to want their dcs to be independent. There are HUGE differences between what their dcs can do for themselves and what mine can (have to!), which I'm sure can't all be down to genetics?

[skidoodle]

It is weird that people congratulate you on a baby being able to sit at 5 months. I mean, who cares really? Even if you had brought it about, why would it matter?

In years to come are people going to be looking at her and thinking "wow, that woman is really, really good at sitting. She must have had a bit of a head start on the rest of us"?

[cory]

Of course it's going to be a combo of both. Otherwise all the work you've put in with your son would have been a bit of a waste, wouldn't it?

I know what you mean, though. When you have a child with a developmental delay or with an undiagnosed disability, you do get people doubting your parenting. And it does knock your confidence.

You may try to tell yourself that people aren't really thinking this, but when at every paediatrician's meeting they seem more keen to discuss parenting (and assuming that you indulge in all sorts of overprotective practices that you know you have never been guilty of in your life) than actually talking about your child, then that fiction is hard to maintain. Or when you come back to school after weeks with a child sobbing from constant pain and the teacher tries to be helpful by telling you that actually she always sent her children into school unless they were really ill (but she's not questioning my parenting, oh no ). Or when they tell you that all children have learnt to tie their shoelaces by age x if you've just practiced enough (what, even the paraplegics?).

I used to take comfort from my second, stronger, normally developing child: "well at least that will show them I'm not such a hopeless parent". Ironically, he has now been diagnosed with the same disorder; it just showed later in him.

But in the meantime, I have grown stronger and more confident, and I also think the medical team and the schools have got to know me and my children and are moving away from the stereotypes of what kind of family would have these children. But I've been there and done it all: made tea for the nice ladies from Social Services, helped the lady from Education Welfare to fill in her forms (after she had first lectured me on the importance of education! pah!), been lectured on parenting by all and sundry. Rhino hide it is.

[Wonderstuff]

MV I'm sure that the teachers at your sons school don't think badly of you.

I'm an SEN teacher and a lot of the parents of the children I am involved with are lovely. Some stuggle with their own problems. A few I could quite happily beat to death with a spoon. I always wait to find out some background before I pass judgement (and I have always resisted the urge act on the feckless ones, although those are the ones I often don't ever get to meet.)

When dd was born she had a few physical abnomalites, we saw a genentist who explained to us that no one has a perfect set of genes, sometimes inperfections are significant, sometimes they go unnoticed. I have noticed that some children do brilliantly dispite there parents, some struggle dispite wonderful parents, some children are able to cope with the difficulties life throws at them, others are floored by things that others take in their stride. BUT good parenting always makes a difference, it just makes a diffence in different ways to different kids.

[MaggieVirgo]

My son had GDDs across the board. I am as good a mother as I can be. He's a poppet, so easy to love. His father is very intelligent (although an ass). I don't know why he has GDDs.

[TheFallenMadonna]

I think you're defining development in physical terms. Which is going to limit your argument a bit.

[piscesmoon]

I agree that it is both nature and nurture. The important thing to remember is that it isn't a race-slow but sure can do better in the end. When you have 3 teenagers, no one can tell which walked first, talked first etc-and it really doesn't matter-no one wants to know and they don't care!

[Overmydeadbody]

some children's developmental delay is down to the poor parenting and neglect they have suffered though, so you cannot blam e professionals for not ruling that out until they have met the parents.

[Overmydeadbody]

Development is shaped by nature and nurture. To argue otherwise is just foolish and ignorant.

[Reallytired]

"My son has developemental delay and TBH I have felt professionals assumed he came from a bookless, tv addicted, not bothered home until they met us and our other kids. Not all but certainly some teaching staff and HCPs. Its not nice to feel you have to prove you are not a pleb in order to get your child's needs met."

chegirl, your last paragraph sums up exactly what I mean.

My son had a lot of help when he was little. He is fine now, thanks to our local child development centre. Our community paediatrian made a huge difference to our lives.

I never had any problems with the child development team making me feel bad, but there is no doult that other health professionals assumed it was my parenting at fault or I was mentally ill. I had to fight to get him help.

I am sure that child abuse does affect development. However I hope that such children are the exception rather than the norm. Certainly families I met at the local child development centre have all been lovely people.

Prehaps being on maternity leave is giving me too much time to think.

[MaggieVirgo]

She's called "Margot".

I have severe delusions of grandeur, but when I named her, I didn't know i was going to end up on benefits and a single mum!!!

Being a single mum, I am terrified to do things I might say ah fek it go on to otherwise. LIke, wearing a puffa jacket for example. I'd be so scared, that one thing which in isolation means nothing, when combined with being a single mtoher will damn me and my kids ot hell in the eyes of the stalwarts of the community!!

I know, I need to work on my rhino hyde a bit.

[MrsMerryHenry]

Well, if you will call your child 'Chardonnay'...

[MaggieVirgo]

mrsTH, I am taking it as a given that the level of parenting meets a more than adequate standard, but that the style of parenting may vary a lot.

Chegirl, I know what you mean about feeling you had to prove you weren't a pleb. I'm a single mum, and when I got a letter home saying that dc1 had been identified as needed extra support at school, I wrote out a letter detailing my thoughts and observations. I wanted to make sure they realised that I was not just sitting at home chain-smoking watching my 42" plasma screen saying "dem teachers have in in for my chardonnay"

[MrsMerryHenry]

poo. I meant 'children flourished'. But then you all knew that, didn'tcha?

[Wonderstuff]

I totally see what you are saying and I agree. I guess very poor parenting can cause delay. If a child is adequatly parented then early development much more down to genetics.
DD was an early crawler and walked at 11mo. I had mums ask me how I got her crawling - I didn't do anything, and would have much prefered her stationary for longer

There was some research that showed very young childrens development to be not influenced by socio-economic status of parents, but by 5 development was massivly influenced by parents socio-economic status.

[MrsMerryHenry]

I can see what you mean now. However, even physical development is affected by parenting, ReallyTired - in the classic Romanian orphanage settings, the most astonishing observations were made. In one home children flourishrf physically (growth, strength, etc) simply because of the introduction of a bit of attention. Other children in the same home, on the same diet, who had a 'carer' that couldn't care less, were smaller and weaker.

This is not meant to be a reflection on your specific situation, but simply an indication of how far-reaching are the effects of our role as parents.

And by the way, from what you've said about your dedication to your son, you sound like an amazing mother.

You should read this. She was also on Woman's Hour around the same time - most likely they'll still have the interview on their website archive if you want to listen.

[MaggieVirgo]

I would agree with you.

I feel, that a lot of it is pot luck, or genetics, which is pot luck in its own way.

My dc2 is on the spectrum, and I thought dc1 was my normal child. Turns out she has concentration issues and too much energy. Dc2, can concentrate on a task and I've been told his concentration is good.

Reallytired, I know what you mean, because I used to think to myself, thankgod I had dc1 first, if dc2 had been my first child I would have found it harder.

as it turns out, she may have ishooos as well! but,,, from my perspective at the time.

[Reallytired]

I have had people "congratualate" me on my parenting as my daughter is so physically advanced. I find this strange as I have done nothing out of the ordinary. Its nothing that I have done.

I think that I deserved more congratulations last time when I had to really work and do stetching exercises with a stroppy two year old.

If you have two medically normal children and one child walks at 9 months and one child walks at 18 months, it is more often genetics that makes the difference rather than quality of parenting. I am sure that children like baby P's development do have delayed development.

I am sure that parenting of my son was not inferior. I think my son was just very unlucky. There were plenty of people who thought I was a bad/ stupid/ incompetant mother. It was really irratating when unqualifed people tried to give me advice.

Having a child who development is unconventional really knocked my confidence to pieces. It has taken having a second child to know that my parenting skills are OK.