How do you discipline a toddler with little comprehension?

[peckarollover]

I cant remember what to do at this stage?

DS has recently gone from gorgeous, placid, happy boy to full on toddler angst.

He is 2 in September so still quite little but very forceful, wilful and errr a bit wild really.

I cant remember how you deal with bad behaviour when they dont understand concept of threats, consequences etc etc

[yoyo]

Jimjams - I spent all day yesterday telling DS what to do as opposed to what not to do with a measure of success. Half term next week and there are bound to be tantrums and flounces gallore (girls are at that stage) so am going to try it with them all.

Found the autism and "yes/no" very interesting. Sounds like a huge breakthrough in communication. Good luck next week with the MIL.

[Jimjams]

ds2 is hilarious (sorry but normal kids are weird!), currently terrfied of wee willie winky (my fault- over enthusiastic attempt to get him to bed), ds3 is snotty and mucusy, very sweet and I'm 99% certain he isn't autistic.

Not a breakthrough really with ds1- he's smashing his head to pieces at the moment (got hold of all the wrong foods)- luckily he's doing it at school as well (the bruises were getting embarrasing). Am getting nowhere with stopping him weeing everywhere- thought it would have gone by noww. MIL down next week- she is going to be horrified.

The way language is processed in autism is weird and amazing. These techniques do work well with nt kids as well (although less well as they get older as they argue- at least ds2 does then I find the "apple or nothing", "nursery now or don't go" approach works best.

[popsycal]

Wow Jimjams - that is eally interesting and makes so much sense!
Sounds like a bit of a breakthrough! How are your two littlest boys doing btw?

[Jimjams]

I was reading a book about autism and language yesterday- and found something very interesting. Because autistics learn language in whole chunks ( so for example they would learn "get your coat on" and " get your hat on" as 2 entirely separate things) they cannot understand "no" or "yes". For example if when asked "do you want to go on daddy's shoulders" they are taught to answer "yes"- then "yes" then means "I want to go on daddy's shoulders". And if they've been told "no" when sniffing the tv, then "no" will mean "don't sniff the tv" and have no relevance if they're sitting on top of the fridge freezer (they're there thinking "what tv?"

actually blew my mind away- now I understand why at age 6 my son has never once used yes or no (either as a verbal approximation, or as a picture symbol), and why the only thing that makes him behave is telling him what to do- and why he doesn't stop when I say no. He was pissing around this morning, no got me nowhere- as soon as i said "sit" (barbara woodhouse style), he did- immediately.

[HondaDream]

I empathise with the glue ear and deafness(my DS had similar problems) but I dont think it is an excuse for bad behaviour. You just have to be firm. Actions speak louder then words. YES means YES and NO means NO. Always follow through with your actions and never give in. It is hard as a mother of 3 ( and with 3 under 3 at one stage) I know but it pays off in the end. My kids are a bit bigger I have different punishments for each of my kids which are effective DS gets shut in his room ( he hates being alone) DD1 has toys taken away and DD2 is easy(must have got it right by time she arrived) gets a good telling off and sent to her room. When they were toddlers I was strict and FIRM. Get down on their level and say NO and mean NO and even if you have to say it 50 times keep going.

[ghosty]

Jimjams ... you are back! I have missed you! Fab advice ... am off to tell DD what to do, not what not to do ...
Oh, hang on a minute, she is in bed, will wait till she wakes up !

[dottydaisy]

We had to revert to the "shut you in the bedroom" way. It does seem harsh but even after holding the door for 30 seconds was enough. We saw it on that Nanny programme and we were at the end of our tether. We only had to do it three times. Now we just mention that he might have to go in there and stops. Although he does have to be behaving really badly or endangering his own safety. They say you should shut them in there for a minute of every year of their life but it is really difficult to last for that long so we just shortened the time frame.

[elibelly]

hmm this has been very helpful. I tend to waffle, shout and say NO far more than I should it seems. I'll try being simpler with my demands and see what happens.

Pecka - we've had the glue ear, slightly deaf thing too, although ds's hearing seems much better these days than it was. He's just a willful little blighter and is also big and strong which doesn't help when I have to physically intervene for his safety. This isn't aided by a 4 year old who thinks everything he does is hysterically funny and so eggs him on [tearing hair out emoticon]

[Twiglett]

mummylonglegs .. can I highjack for a second .. has it all blown over yet??

[Jimjams]

I'd keep the langauge simple. And always start with his name. I used to do the same with ds2 when he was pre-conversational (it was habit to be honest from talking to ds1) and he responded well- and he has no problems.

So "name sit on seat"

"name coat"

"name waiting"

etc etc

[peckarollover]

How much comprehension can I expect from a 20 month old? albeit with hearing problems (glue ear, deaf up to 40 decibels apparently but i dont think its too bad some days)

[Jimjams]

amazing how well it works mummylonglegs. My top 3 behaviour tips would be

a) tell the child what to do not what not to do
b)if comprehension is limited drastically reduce your language (until it sounds like you are talking to a dog, I just cringe when I see people giving ds1 long, kind, considerate explanations as he stands there grinning with no idea what they are saying)
c)countdowns.

Mind you I still have to physically drag ds1 in through the front door each day (whilst telling him what to do in simple language and counting down) My neighbours think I'm mad (in between ringing SS)

[mummylonglegs]

Message deleted

[charlie72]

Hi everyone

This is my first visit to this website & I think its great - I'm a mum for the second time but with a 10 yr gap between my children, it really does feel like the first. All I can say about behaviour problems is that consistency really is the key. It might take some time but it really does work - trust me, my youngest had problems with going to bed, staying in bed, sleeping through the night, eating and those awful tantrums and now at 3 yrs is an absolute angel - almost makes me want to do it all over again!!!!!! My teenager on the other hand................

[Jimjams]

Should add another method that works well with children with little comprehension is countdowns. So "last time, countdown then finished 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5 , 4, 3, 2, 1 finished" works wonders.

[Jimjams]

I think also you have to realise that every child is different- and using these techniques are the best bet for getting the best behaviour that child is capable of. For instance with these techniques we can usually "manage" ds1, but his behaviour remains challenging, other methods do nothing though.

Just to give some examples from this afternoon. Since getting home from school he has tried to run away down the street (physical force to stop), climbed on the fridge freezer ("name get down" - works much better than no- in that case he stays on top laughing), thrown cornflakes ("name pick up cornflake bin"), thrown flour (lost my temper shouted no, and he shrieked with laughter and did it again, and again until my mum dragged him off), hit his head repeatedly on the window (name get down" worked), hit his head repeatedly with his knee (my mum said "no" and he carried on), screamed because he wanted to eat sweets rather than dinner ("name chip then sweet"- did that then he ate his dinner). he's stripped a few time ("name toilet, get dressed". He's now up in his room (shut in behind 2 stairgates or he runs round the house like a mad thing) laughing his head off which means he's stripped and has weed in his bed. I'll change his bed and get him dressed when he's gone to sleep- if I go up there now i'll be a game.

Blimey no wonder I'm exhausted And that was a relatively in control evening (as he;s in bed before 8pm and we haven;t had too much screaming)

Anyway hope that demonstrates what I mean when I say these things are effective. They stop him continuing to misbehave, or turning the no word into a game. of course no may be more effective with older NT children as they have shame - my son has none. The only way we can stop bad behaviour before it happens is to physically make it impossible (eg the double stairgate to stop him shrieking round the house naked laughing his head off until 11pm).

[peckarollover]

Louise1970 - thats excactly my problem. i dont have much problem at home but going out is becoming stressful because I find it hard to do time out etc out of the house with him

[Louise1970]

I too have a son of 18 months. He seems to listern at home we he has been naughty but as soon as we are out. He will not listern to reason or no or distraction. We can not do time out or the naughty seat as he will never sit there/still unless we nailed him down. any suggestions?

[Lonelymum]

If you can, try distraction. I find that works best and also is best for my temper!

[Twiglett]

you do it again consistently

the thing with these techniques is over term they help lessen what is perceived by the adult world as 'bad behaviour' and they set limits

they are not going to turn a child into an angel

consistency is king HURRAH

[yoyo]

And what do you do when you've tried the step, shouted/not shouted, got down to their level and spoken in a deep voice, avoided "don't", taken objects away, praised the positive and ignored the negative? DS is not exceptionally badly behaved but I just can't find anything that works. I can deal with it up until about 4pm but after that I am just too exhausted and the older ones are home from school. He is 2y4m by the way.

[peckarollover]

argghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[motherinferior]

Jimjams, thank you. I'd never thought of it that way before.

[peckarollover]

elibelly i relate - he has hearing problems and consequently speech problems so communication isnt great.

90% of my problem with him is when we are out of the home so bottom step and time out not as appropriate.

For example we have just taken him for lunch earlier and he just runs wild and screams when stopped - what then?

He is also battling over car seat etc and is very big and Im really quite struggling with it

[Flum]

Thats interesting Jimjams am keen not to become a NO mum.