BOSSY 2 YR OLD - ADVICE PLEASE!!

[Mandymoo]

Hi

DD is nearly 2.5 and has gradually become VERY bossy. Whilst it is funny sometimes (she literally tells everyone what to do) i need to know how to handle it. I dont want her thinking she can always have her own way but i dont want to be constantly telling her NO. Apparently i used to be a bossy child ( i dont believe it myself!) so will she just grow out of it???

[Prufrock]

Snap Mandymoo - my thread was here . I have started saying no to some things (she is no longer allowed to insist on making my coffee) and she is responding. Interestingly though at teh weeknds she still bosses dh around - so I think her attitude is all about what she is allowed to get away with.

[sandycheeks]

Children always act up for parents, if she's mixing well at nursery then I would not worry at all about her. By the way ds is totally different to dd, he's the most laid back characer I have ever come accross. If dd starts getting on his nerves he just pulls her hair (the quiet ones are the dangerous ones )

[Mandymoo]

Thanks Sandycheeks - DD attends local nursery one day a week and has done for a year or more now. Nursery staff say she plays and mixes well there.

BOssykate - thanks for the tips and i will definitely try your positive language approach

Thanks all XX

[sandycheeks]

Gosh Mandymoo I can totally sympathise with you, DD was the same. She used to be bossy with other children, and if they would not listen to her she could become physically aggressive
Obviously the violent behaviour was always diciplined, but a combination of things have totally reformed her, she's now known as a chaterbox rather than the bossy one. When she turned 2.5:

1. She started a local nursery for 2 hours five mornings a week.
   2.ds was born
   The bossiness might be embarassing but once she's on her own with other children in school or nursery I'm sure that you'll see an improvement. I would just put put it down to having a strong and intelligent child

[Enid]

I hear: 'no mummy, silly mummy, bad mummy. Mummy I love you best you are my best friend. No teeth clean, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not that way, like this, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooo not that brush, the NOddy one, mummy I love you. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO face wipe, its not nice, you not nice, silly mummy...'

and on and on and on....about 100 x a day.

its just become what normal life is like here.

[bossykate]

oh god i am even worse, i have started saying "do you mean...?" must stop that as i am getting it back now!

[bossykate]

hi mandymoo, have i made it sound all complicated - eek! it is just as i have described, every time i get a bossy/whiny/stroppy order, i rephrase the question back to ds in more acceptable language, e.g.
get me a snack = mummy, please may i have a snack
read me a story = mummy, please will you read me a story
don't do that = i don't like that mummy, please stop doing that (stroking his hair, which i love to do but he hates!)
move = please excuse me

it really is that simple.

please doesn't count if it is just tagged on to a bossy/stroppy request

e.g. get me a drink! please! said in a rude way doesn't cut it.

just getting him to rephrase things makes such a difference to how he comes across, hence the reaction from me is better and it's just easier to deal with all round even if you have to say no - obviously a politely phrased request for crisps/chocs/presents won't get him what he wants, but then you're into "picking your battles" territory.

i think of it as giving him the verbal toolkit he needs to survive. works with feelings too if he hits - e.g. you don't have to hit, you can explain that you are cross, "mummy, i am cross because..."

hth.

[popsycal]

i have a bossy boy who will be three in august
he is bossy in a cheeky way
his newest line is calling me a silly billy woman....

hmm

[Enid]

I do the ultimately annoying 'what was that? There's a word missing from that sentence.' (to get a please)

she'll be posting on mumsnet in 20 years -threads called 'Annoying Things Your Mother Used To Say'

[Mandymoo]

MOrningpaper - LOL!!! I know in the scheme of things this really isnt that big a deal but just wondered what other mums felt about ?? XX

[morningpaper]

Absolutely, she can be bossy with her peers but I don't do feck all without a long string of pleases. Often I make her say "Please gorgeous mummy, light of my life". (Actually true, but probably shouldn't admit to that...)

Also it's got to be "Please may I..." because "Please can I ..." gets the response, "I don't know, can you?" - Lordy I have turned into the evil Maths teacher I had when I was eight...

[Enid]

my god, my dd2 is like this all the time, dd1 was like it too.

I never give it a second thought. She can have what she can have and she can have a tantrum over things she can't have - thats how it works chez Enid. I don't think bossiness is at all a bad thing (I wouldn't being Mrs Bossy myself). Its different to being spoilt (horrid).

wise words from www.

[Mandymoo]

Bossykate - can you tell me more about the positive language thing please???

[aloha]

Well, ds can be bossy (hence 'Bossy Bella") but there is a sort of 'hands on hips, everybody do this my way' which seems more female. But I don't mean this as a criticism of girls, more that in general they tend to be more verbal and more interested in social dynamics than boys or at least, get there at an earlier age.
Having said that, ds never stops talking.

[aloha]

Oh, yes, a few pleases go a long way.

[Mandymoo]

LOL - you never know!!

[bossykate]

dunno, aloha, i have a bossy boy who loves interaction.

[bossykate]

sorry to bang on but the language thing has made all the difference to us. plus it is a positive feedback loop - the more politely i am asked, the better vibe i give ds, and i am much more likely to do what he wants, within reason. works for adult/adult interactions too of course.

[aloha]

I think girls can often be bossy (or seem bossy) just because they are more adept socially - they want to interact more than boys do. Does that make any sense? I know what I mean!

[Mandymoo]

I suppose i should see the positive and like the fact that she has a spark about her and she stands up for herself - sometimes i cant help but laugh - she just seems so grown up!

[bossykate]

seems bossy in a female would be called "leadership" in a male - in later life. i think it is ok if you have a sparky, feisty girl - smooth out a few corners and perhaps you have a future pm on your hands

[aloha]

It's a phase IMO, and I think it's just normal and natural (if sometimes really annoying) experimenting with their power and finding its limits socially. We all like feeling powerful I suppose and having our own way. It's quite amazing how confident they are considering how small they are! I agree that they shouldn't be allowed to boss adults around, but of course, no matter how much they talk bossily we don't have to obey. With ds we have made it a joke - he's Bossy Bella (from Tweenies) and it makes him laugh. He says "I'm being bossy, aren't I?"

[bossykate]

a very wise and good friend of mine once told me that if they are "bossy" or forthright or whatever, it can be mitigated by teaching gentleness, language modification etc. but if they don't have a spark of gumption, nothing you do will give it to them.

long winded way of saying i agree with you mp re wanting our children to be able to stand up for themselves.

[Mandymoo]

lol - glad its not just me going through this then!

Morningpaper - what you said about her finding her place socially totally makes sense. DD is an only child and i suppose i just have a thing about her being bossy and spoilt. Thats my problem tho - i have to deal with that. I am intending on having other children (my god - i must be mad!!!). I know deep down that most children will go through this but i guess i just need reassurance that she wont become some bossy mad women!! (Like her mummy!) XX

[morningpaper]

I think I'm worried that if I slam her too much for being bossy with friends/during play then she'll not have any resources to deal with her peers socially. A few months ago she was coming home and saying 'X hit me today' or 'X was mean to me' and I told her that she had to say "No" if people were being mean to her. It all started around then. I DO want her to stand up for herself but physically she's no match for her peers and I think this is how she is dealing with it ATM...