my lo ignores me all the time and doesn't love me

[bumbly]

well so it seems

just ignores me

is this normal for a male boy almost one?

totally enthralled by grandparents and dad who never have to do all the "horrible" things to him like change nappy, feed, take toys away etc

feel really low and dejected - spend all hours of day doing everything to make his life best and today in particular he really ignored me

[cory]

Lots of wise posts on this thread. I know it hurts to feel rejected, but they are telling you the truth: he doesn't know what rejection means, it's not something he is doing consciously to you. Though it may well be that he picks up on your frustration and finds it unsettling.

You remind me a little of dd who was 3.5 when ds was born. She spent ages making him a mobile out of shiny paper and was devastated when he just went to sleep without looking at it. -He hasn't got time for me!, she wailed. Little brother was 2 weeks old at the time.

Of course your lo is older but he is still very little and like my dd you are expecting too much if you want him to make you feel good about yourself. That heavy slog has to be done by you. Just keep smiling at him, be proud of all the positives, show him that you enjoy him whatever he is like.

Later on the time will come when he tells you that he hates you. Children do, it's something you have to bear. (They don't mean it, though). Your job will be to smile and reply calmly: 'Well, it doesn't matter, dear, because I will always love you'. This is how we teach children what love means. And that lesson will be with him forever.

You need nerves of steel to be a mother. But it's the best job in the world

[Ledodgy]

I agee with the others. I did chuckle at 'male boy' though as oppose to what?

[HonoriaGlossop]

Also, it seems a relentlessly negative view if you don't mind me saying so

instead of "he doesn't even want to play with me"

you can think "my clever boy is SO good at entertaining himself, what an angel"

Are you looking at him with a permanently wounded expression?! I would tend to think that feeling this way, you might possibly be looking a bit serious....he WILL take his lead from you in the smiling and laughing stakes....IMHO

I'm sure it's very easy to fall into feeling this way, I am not blaming you at all for feeling how you do, just trying to show there are other ways of coming at it. Tis ALL a phase, anyway, as is everything with babies and children

[ThatBigGermanPrison]

The thing is - we know what you go through as a mother, we are mothers. But he doesn't know, and he doesn't give a shit either. If you're expecting any show of acknowledgment or gratitude, you've got a way to wait yet!

Sometimes he will prefer Dad, but you know, Dad is his other parent, why should he want you all the time? So you do all the donkey work round the house - your baby doesn't care and probably never will. So you do 95% of the childcare - doesn't matter, your baby can't count. He still wants and loves his daddy. It would be the same if your DP did 95% of the childcare - your baby would still want to have you instead sometimes.

[HonoriaGlossop]

good post calsworld.

I think you are looking for him to provide you with validation somehow. He can't do that, he's just a baby and he is acting completely as nature dictates. There are lots of reasons why he might have settled for your DH; maybe dad has a firmer touch, bigger arms, less patience; maybe he cried more for you because you are mum and give more cuddles than dad and it was the sheer need for cuddles; so many ways of looking at it other than 'he's preferring dad'.

but mainly I totally agree with everything calsworld said in that last post.

[calsworld]

Bumbly, this is normal too! It might be that he can feel a little bit of tension in you too, just relax and it will change. Its good to hear that your DP was able to settle him - look on the bright side as it allows you to have a little more rest. Its good that both you and your DP can settle him..IMO that's the way it should be (and is, in my house).

The not wanting to play with you is classic for this age too, they don't play 'with' anyone. Instead of trying to engage in play with him, make observations instead like,

"oh, are you pushing a car"
"i see you're building a tower"
"lets put this brick on here"

I DO know what you're going through coz I did too...I wasn't actively MN'ing at the time and wish I had been coz it was really hard, especially when you spend all your days and nights caring for them. Instead I turned to one of my HVs, I have a particularly good one who gave me lots of reassurance and told me all the things everyone here is saying. We even went to the local surestart centre so she could show me how to play - I was expecting far too much from DS.

DS is now 19 months and can't stand not being in the same room as me, he's sat next to me at the moment just chilling.

Instead of looking for the next sign of 'rejection' from him, try to relax into it, carry on doing things for him as normal of course, but just step back a little. If he doesn't want to you to play with him, sit back on the sofa with a cup of tea and have some 'you' time - enjoy the time that he is expressing his independence - it won't last long!

[bumbly]

last night as usual screaming at 4 am - i picked up and he screamed more

daddy picked him up and he fell asleep

this morning doesn't even want to play with me

odd thing is as newborn he always wanted to be held and i could never leave him for a sec without screams!

[Monkeytrousers]

no context I mean, although contenst kinda worked too. He loves you. It's the kind of love that you don't remember as a grown up though

[Monkeytrousers]

please don't take it personally - he does love you, you are just familiar to him - he can take you for granted cos he knows nothing less than your love. He's one! He has not contest. Please, just continue to be there for him - unconditionally

[aquasea]

I really feel for you. My DS is/was exactly like this. It used to really upset me. In fact, I think I may have written a post almost identical to yours a while ago. I just wanted to let you know that it will change. Very recently my DS (13 months) has started to give me random pieces of affection. For example he was sitting on my lap while the doctor listened to his chest. He suddenly turned around and gave me a kiss Also, sometimes when I am sitting talking on the phone or something and he is playing, he will come over, give my foot a quick kiss and move on. It makes me so happy. Finally he is letting me know in his own way, when he feels like it, that he loves me. He is still very independent. He never gives me cuddles and he doesn't cry when I leave him but I try now to view this as a positive. He is confident and happy to do his own thing. I have friends who have very clingy babies and they can't leave them at all. I know I can pop him in the creche at the gym for a couple of hours and he'll be happy as larry. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I know how you feel and that your DS does love you and he will show you in the way he chooses when he decides to...and it will make it that much more special when he does.

[RambleOn]

Agree with everyone else that you've done such a good job of being a mother that he knows you're coming back, and therefore doesn't get upset.

My DD also went through a phase of not even seeming to notice if I was around at this age. I miss it now, as at 21mo she clings to me like a leech and only wants mummy

[ThatBigGermanPrison]

Babies don't love anyone, really. Not in an adult sense of love. They take what they need and move on - you always cough up what's needed. He doesn't need to put on a show for you. It's not a gamble, whether you are going to come back - you always do.

Would you rather have a child who was so insecure he wouldn't leave your side?

[SummatAnNowt]

Isn't he still at the age where they say babies don't even recognise that they are seperate people from their mothers?

And you can't put adult emotions and motivations onto a baby! He can't even understand or define the word love yet nevermind know what are the socially acceptable ways of expressing it!

[May2December]

Of course he adores you and is so secure in your love for him he doesn't have to 'win' your love IFKWIM. The clingyness will come in time but this is perfectly normal. You'll hear the yell, 'I want my mummy!!' before you know it and be amazed that you ever asked this question.

[HonoriaGlossop]

Yes it is one of the hardest things that the person who does MOST and is ALWAYS there is the one who's treated like part of the furniture

And speaking as an ex Social Worker who's worked with quite a few needy teenagers who have looked on their growing bumps as 'someone to love me'.........that's often the last thing babies are! They are little leeches and want to 'use you up' not 'love you' and they are takers, not givers.....

Not that I'm comparing you to a teenager bumbly, it's just to illustrate that it is natural for all of us to subconsciously expect some outward sign of the utter closeness of our relationships with our baby. It WILL come of course, maybe not yet because he's not really developmentally fully aware of himself as an individual yet. When that comes you are bound to get more 'feedback' from him....

for now perhaps just take some joy in HIS joy at seeing others and enjoy a little time off when he's being entertained?

[FattipuffsandThinnifers]

Bumbly, really, he really isn't ignoring you in an 'adult' sense. Just exactly what everyone has said, he takes it for granted you'll always be there for him. I sometimes even used to try and ignore my DS just to see what he'd do , though not for too long, I couldn't go through with it! All to no avail though, he'd just seem happy enough getting on with his own thing till I gave in (after about 5 minutes!) or someone more fun came in! Please don't take it personally, it is totally normal.

[calsworld]

Hi Bumbly, my DS, now 19 months, did this to me too, he didn't just ignore me either, he'd cry, hit, pinch and it really, really upset me. Particularly noticeable when I picked him up from nursery in the evenings.

I reiterate everything everyone else has said, I'm sure it will be a passing phase. Apart from amything else, at a year old, they simply don't see things in the same way as we do, to you, he is ignoring you, to him, he's just not paying you any attention, its certainly not malice on his part, that's far too complicated an emotion for him to understand (yet!).

You are part of the furniture right now, always there, never changing, always consistent in the way you treat him. I promise you, very soon, he will see you as his favourite plaything, sure, he'll still have fun with his granny and dad and uncle tom cobbly and all....but it will be you he runs to with his grazed knee, or when a loud noise scares him, you that he wants to play chase or tickle or whatever with.

Just continue being consistent in your love for him, offering cuddles and kisses when he'll let you...soon enough he'll be dribbling on you kissing you and demonstrating his affection in the same way that you do!

[bumbly]

low about this only

as little one really ignored me today - otherwise am happy thanks

[divastrop]

did you mean you are feeling low about this situation or are you suffering from depression,and if so,are you getting any treatment?

[MmeBovary]

As Attilla says exactly - they take you for granted! You're mummy, you do stuff according to the routine, they pay more attention to the other stuff. Don't take it personally and don't worry - your day will come when mummy is IT...

[lou031205]

It really is true - DD1 never seemed to want me, and will still drop me in a heartbeat for Grandad, but since 2.5, she often asks for me now. She never did before that, and it did make me sad. But, she is a happy confident girl who knows Mummy loves her.

[bumbly]

thanks habb - though not sure that is the case...if only

[AttillaTheHan]

I really feel for you. Nothing prepares you for the lows of parenting like this do they? I can assure you as other people have that this is normal. At this stage in his life your ds has not seperated himself from you, so you will see him react more to others because he still sees you as n extension of him. Please don't feel rejected and depressed I'm sure there are signs there that he loes you but in different ways than with other people.

It does change as they get older. Then there'll be something else to stress about!!

[Habbibu]

It's a phase, bumbly. Repeat that to yourself all the time. You've let him feel very secure with you, so congratulate yourself on that.

[bumbly]

when we are alone he is ok but only that - nothing more