Preschool behaviour

[MamaAl27]

Hey all,

I thought I would just write because I’m starting to become at my wits end to be honest! 
Our son has been going to a nursery since 15 months old and has never really had any issues there other than them pulling us aside once about his speech which is when we discovered he had glue ear, and since then although still slightly speech delayed, he has come on leaps and bounds! Towards the end of last year, we decided to move him to a preschool setting as the nursery was not really doing anything with them and he kept getting singled out by another child and getting hit (very hard, not just a shove here and there). It was just a free for all in the setting and felt before he started school, just wanted him to have some sort of structure to get him ready. Never had any issues apart from the odd toddler like behaviour occasionally! 
So we start this new preschool in January and first of all we got pulled aside for his sharing and they wanted to work with him on that because he was screaming and shouting at other children. They also said he couldn’t control his emotions. So an IEP was set up. Like I said never had an issue in previous setting with any of this, if anything he was the kind gentle one. But we were working with him on it at home and has been doing so well. This last week he has been coming out very emotional and throwing himself on the floor. They have now said he struggles with transitioning from one activity to another as well and I just feel there seems to be a never ending reason as to why he comes out emotional. His keyworker said that they spoke to his previous nursery and she said they said he massively struggled as well, which took me aback. However, 5 minutes later, the senior lady said they had talked to previous nursery and all they had said was that he sometimes struggled with his emotions slightly. So that sort of made me side eye his key worker because she had just exaggerated what they had said. She comes out cradling him like a baby which I know he dislikes. I picked him up today and she said he has had a very good day, emotional this morning but good. She said when he goes to hit another child I tell him to stop, again, never hits other children ever. Told me the other week he had punched another child, but speaking to another mum, she said that didn’t happen, he just slightly pushed someone but they were all doing the same. 
I’m just at a loss, because this behaviour is not matched at home or anywhere else. He can be emotional sometimes and struggle with them, which we are working with but the behaviour she says he exhibits at the preschool is not what any of us are seeing anywhere and his emotions coming out of the preschool have just been so difficult to manage this last week! Being 26 weeks pregnant doesn’t help me at the moment lol.
Can anyone offer any advice please? I’m just at a loss. Sorry for rambling 😂

[skkyelark]

How old is he now?

How often do you see him around other children and busy groups? A busy play park or soft play, for example, or a toddler/preschooler class of some sort? What's he like in those settings?

[MamaAl27]

@skkyelark he is 3.5 nearly 4.

It’s shocked me he is like this there was when we go to soft plays, or a busy play park he is absolutely fine. No tantrums/meltdowns, plays with his friends there. Role play places will play nicely and just generally loves it. I’m just at a loss with it in all honesty.

[skkyelark]

How is he at with naming his emotions and recounting past events? If you tried to have a chat with him about what happened at preschool (later, when he's calm), would he be able to talk about something that upset/frustrated/hurt/etc him, how he felt, and what he did? I would go into it very gentle, curious, non-judgemental. 'Staff member A said that the tower you were building got knocked over today.' and then talk about what sort of tower it was, what happened, how did it make him feel, before you get anywhere near how he responded (and then what could he maybe do instead next time).

If he can't name the emotions, you can maybe do a bit of 'I wonder if maybe you felt X because of Y'.

Or more generally, could you have a conversation about preschool, who he plays with, what activities are his favourites, are there any bits he doesn't like?

Another idea would possibly be role play with small figures, cuddly toys, whatever, so that they can act out little stories. Sometimes it is easier to say 'that made teddy feel really angry!' or 'rabbit is very frustrated she can't do it, she should ask someone for help' than it is to say it about ourselves, and it gives him a chance to sort of practice it.