4 soon to be 5 year old hitting at preschool

[KC1994]

This will be very long.
But I'm looking for advice - as I have many different opinions.

My oldest son when 2 had a very soft nature, he loved people and preschool. When I had my second son, my oldest was 3. And he struggled with having a new brother around, this is when we first noticed he struggled with his emotions, and did our best to help and guide him.

One day, when he was 3 years old he came home with a massive bite mark, which bruised his whole shoulder. It was rather severe, which made me feel it was important that the preschool was aware, as I wasn't told. I wasn't angry, nor was I upset. But I did want to let them know. I sent a quick message with a picture, in the most polite way possible. I got a call within 5 minutes, it was very abrupt and short so immediately i felt i had done somethibg wrong. They inform me, they weren't aware that he had be bitten but it was definitely retaliation. My heart sunk when they told me he had bitten someone that day when he was angry.

After the call, I sat down and asked my son why he didn't tell me he had hit another kid. He has always been great at talking to me and said "I didn't bite first mummy" he then told me the boys name and told me he had bit him first because he didn't want to share the shovels in the sand pit. Multiple time I've Seen this kid get angry about sharing in the sand pit in drop off. But the preschool has always dealt with it so softly and kept it under control, so I felt confident I didn't need to be concerned.

Since this and my son has grown. I haven't had many updates of behavior. But recently, every time I see this teacher, she informs me that she has concerns. He isn't great at making relationships and doesn't know how to act around other kids. She then tells me this has been happening for a while, but this is the first I'm made aware. And tells me he walks into groups going rawwwr like a dinosaur and other kids get scared of him and run away.

Then weeks past by, and I walk in. She knows my son does a martial art, and told me that he has used martial arts at preschool, and she was horrified. She went on to say they expect to deal with some sorts of physical aggression and kids may hit, pinch and chuck a block but to use actual martial arts and a kick was totally wrong, and concerning behavior.

I was so upset, but one thing I know is my son is 4 and although he is really good at martial art, his kicks aren't great and definitely not impactful. Nothing like a bite, pinch or a block to the head.

I explained to her that currently my 2 year old is learning it's not OK to hit or pull toys off him, but my oldest son is really struggling with it. Before I could explain, she stopped me "this isn't the same as a 2 year old, a nearly 5 year old should know better and has a more developed brain, don't compare him to his 2 year old brother" but what I was trying to inform her, is my oldest son was copping a lot of hits or stuff being ripped off him. So we were doing our best to teach my oldest son how to respond and react and teaching my little one that this is not OK.

The way this lady made it out, I became concerned and decided to seek professional help. We went to a practitioner and had been in touch with a lady her looks into children behavior.

Both felt it was necessary to talk to this lady and try get a bigger picture. Because they both talked and met him and agreed he was very smart and didn't feel autism, adhd or any other things were popping up they needed to be concerned about after talking and running some test on him.

I contacted this lady from preschool, and informed her i seek professional help. And asked her if I could get them to call. Once again she become very almost authoritative and took over the conversation. And when I said "do you think his behavior is concerning" she snapped at me and said "have you been listening to me, I have told you multiple times he is struggling with pairs. Yesterday he hit a child in the nose because he didn't want to share. This is not OK and a 4 year old should know better"

After we chit chatted she finally said she would be more than happy to assist.

Now this is the weird part. Both the doctors and lady in children's behavior has come back and said they believe this is normal behavior, and he just needs some extra help and attention on how to manage feelings and teach him other methods. I got upset and told them both that this lady has told me something not right and I need to make sure we take steps to help him or get the help he needs. They believe this is completely normal and manageable with the right sources. They felt that this lady was overactive.

This preschool teacher has told me she has been In the industry for 20+, and she can spot when kids need extra attention. And she has done research and is always keeping up to date with children's behavior and again disagrees.

I'm lost and confused and think it's time to turn to mums, who have young ones for aqdvice.

[freespirit333]

Ugh! She’s gone about it completely the wrong way, and it sounds like it started as her being defensive when your son was bitten and it hadn’t been raised to you.

But, from experience, childcare workers do tend to spot issues early on, issues that might not be present at home, for example. They see so many children day in, day out, and see the interactions between children, and from that point of view it can be much easier to spot anything that stands out.

Your brief description of your son with the roaring like a dinosaur (bless him!) and not knowing how to act around other kids is very similar to mine, both who I think are neurodivergent (my oldest DS has an ADHD diagnosis).

Either way it sounds as if you’re very unhappy with his current setting, so is there scope to move him, and you can perhaps ask the staff there to keep an eye out, from an unbiased point of view?

[KC1994]

Thanks @freespirit333 , one thing is when I tell the doctors stuff, I like to be 100% transparent. So they can make the right moves and calls.

Being adhd or autism, is not scary to me but it just means the right steps can be put in place for him to learn and cope better. My doctor and this lady who does children behavior, spent 2 hours doing games with him, talking and for the last 30 minutes they asked me to leave to see how well he did outside My presents, and I guess rule out anything happening at home. They said, he showed no signs of both.

I also informed them, that 2 teachers in the last month have also approached me to tell me in the last few months they have both seen major growth and change with my son, and believe he is very very ready for school.

Both grandparents, have told me there thoughts and funnily enough both said thr same thing. That he's very smart, cheeky and social, so they didn't quite understand. But he did struggle with anger, now his dad is very very patient, more than I, but his dad's dad side have a streak of anger, his poppa and his poppas brothers apparently all struggle with anger. But over the years have managed to find coping strategies.