4 year old hitting

[Brighternote34]

Hello,
I just wanted to ask if anyone has been in a similar situation and how to manage this as when I speak to people about it they just say it’s normal boys are boisterous etc.
I have a just turned 4 year old son who is loving funny kind and friendly. 90-95% of the time he is a good kid. He Is doing really well in preschool teachers say he is very well mannered, makes friends, plays well, kind with friends and is doing generally well but lacks concentration In some areas which I’m trying to help him at home with. He mentions another child hits him and I kept telling him to walk away and find someone else to play with and to tell the teacher (he tells me he walks away and finds something else to do teachers said they will keep a closer eye on them to see what’s going on)
my problem is he his hitting at home, it started a week or two ago and he just kicks when he’s really angry/frustrated Iv explained to him it’s not kind to hit and we don’t do that. Once he’s calm I say it’s ok to feel angry but it’s not ok to hit me. I explained everyone gets angry and have said he can kick or hit the beanbag if he feels really angry and we can talk once he’s calm. I ask him what could he do when he feels like hitting and he repeats hit the bean bag or cushion but he never does at the time of his anger outburst. He had an extra 10 minutes of play tonight because he really was so good today then I said that’s it timer is done time for bed he emptied his box of toys so he could clean them up then ran up and down the stairs so I knew he was messing around, refused to get changed for bed and I said if you don’t get dressed there will be no stories then he hit me across the face told me he didn’t like and love me and I got the beanbag so he could hit that he didn’t he wanted to move the beanbag to kick me. Once I left the room he calmed down and said how sorry he was through his tears and gave me a hug ( I didn’t encourage his apology) I explained there was no stories tonight as he hit me which is not allowed he kept saying sorry etc but I didn’t give in.
it is once a day or every other day that this happens and I really don’t know if it’s normal or how I could help him. There’s times where I think this is going to set him off but it doesn’t for instance we walked round to preschool and he got bear yo-yo and the way I opened it it fell on the floor I said on no he said mummy don’t worry we can get another one later. I try and recognise and praise where he’s regulating himself.
has anyone read the books Calmer Easier Happier Boys? Would that help?
im also thinking of a judo or karate activity but unsure if that would help either?
he went through a hitting “phase” last year too but managed to get to the other side and now I’m thinking I’d like to get that nipped in the bud now 😬
has anyone any tips/ books for me and him or anything that could help? Or does this sound like a typical 4 year old? He’s an only child also.
thanks x

[CadyEastman]

Calmer Easier Happier Boys?

I've not read that book, sorry @Brighternote34. Have you read The Explosive Child? You might find that one helpful.

Have you tried a book with him like The Feelings Book or a toy like Eggspressions?

I've not had a problem with hitting and kicking at 4. That kind of behaviour is usually worked through a little earlier.

It does sound as though he's having a bit of a tough time at Pre-school though and you're right to raise it with the staff. Are they using anything like the Zones of Regulation with him?

[mswales]

Hi, my son hit me as a toddler when he got angry and it continued until he was nearly 5, by which point he could really hurt me - it was awful! Now with him age 6 and a half it is completely unthinkable that he would ever hit me - it would just never ever happen. So hang in there. This phase will pass. He is and has always been a very loving, sweet boy, just has really big feelings and when he was littler he couldn't manage those feelings. I recommend a book called hands are not for hitting, and also recommend a book the Whole Brain Child which really explains brain development and how it relates to behaviour, and gives effective discipline techniques for different ages. Right now your son does not have impulse control developed in his brain, so even though he knows he shouldn't hit he will struggle to stop himself if he has the impulse.

However I read all the books and did all the talking through feelings and all the offering alternative things to hit, yet I still go beaten up a lot, so it might be a case of just ride it out! It was only ever me he hit, he never hit anyone else, which is apparently a sign of how safe they feel with you that they can express extreme emotions, but this is little comfort!

I got a lot of comfort and techniques instead from writings by Janet Lansbury and Laura Markham. have a look at these
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2016/08/4-year-old-has-emotional-aggressive-responses-to-limits/
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2019/12/resolving-a-toddlers-aggressive-behavior-hitting-pushing-hair-pulling/