7YR OLD DS SCARED OF HIS OWN SHADOW, ADVICE NEEDED

[Rhiannon]

My poor DS is now 7.5 yrs. He is unable to go upstairs on his own. If he comes out of his bedroom to come into ours, he is too scared to go back into his.

This is an ongoing problem all due to his imagination. I have tried suggesting he has two halves to his brain, the scared side and the brave side and the brave side isn't working too well and it needs to work more.

He runs around the house upstairs in panic all the time unless someone is with him. He feels safe in the company of his 3 year old sister and often makes her go upstairs with him!

I have tried explaining about the house being old and making noises and that the radiators will make noises too but it makes no difference.

His TV is limited so I know he isn't watching anything frightening.

Any suggestions? R

[natascha]

when i was of a similar age i was convinced that if my curtains weren't shut properly someone would climb in through the window and 'get me'. i was to scared to get out of bed to make sure they were closed so i slept completly covered by the duvet so the 'man' wouldn't know i was there and would go away.
during the day i knew this was completly irational but at night i was still petrified.
i eventually grew out of it though i still don't like the curtains being open even a crack at night.
i'm sure if you keep reasuring him that there's nothing to be scared of and are firm but sympathetic he will get past this phase quit quickly. i read somewhere that you should never 'frighten ' the monsters away as this just proves they really are there but should just be calm and honest, saying there's nothing there.
hth.

[tigermoth]

I was just like your ds as a child. Nothing my parents said really helped me overcome my fears, but I did grow out of it mostly.

What really scared me were reflections in the shadows - mirrors, glass, the blank tv screen in darkened rooms. My parents became really good about keeping lights on for me, so I didn't have to go upstairs in the dark. They also let me rearrange one or two things - like taking coats off coat hooks, covering up mirors or putting pictures away, so nasty shapes and reflections disappeared. The feeling I had some control over the environement was very comforting. This, more than reassuring words, helped me conquer my fears.

If noises are your son's worry, perhaps he needs to be the one to change what he hears. Could you leave a tape player in the hall - he could switch on some music when he wants to go upstairs? Not so good in the middle of the night, but might work during the day.

[Copper]

I think this is really common - at least, my three have all had it, and the two youngest (10 and 8) still need the other to go upstairs with them if no one else is up there. FOrtunately they escort each other ...

[SueDonim]

I used to be like this and in fact even after I was married I couldn't sleep when DH was away, due to scary noises etc. As a child, a light helped and so did sharing a room with my sister. Also, I had to check that all doors and drawers were closed because that made me feel safer. I think it's important to ackowledge the fear rather than dismiss it, (not that I think you are - I'm just talking generally here) and ask if there is anything you can provide that would help reassure him.

[Azzie]

I too was like this as a child/teenager. My parents had a big airing cupboard in the bathroom and I couldn't even sit on the loo in there unless I'd looked in the cupboard first. I also had to look under the bed each night before I got into it. Even now if dh is away I'm still happier if I've looked in the wardrobes in our bedroom before I go to bed. Suedonim is right about not belittling his fears - they are very real to him and he doesn't need to feel that everyone thinks he's being 'silly' (which I'm sure you don't). Your ds obviously has a vivid imagination, which is a good thing despite the drawbacks. As he gets older and feels more powerful and in control of things I expect this will diminish - I know my fears did.

[bundle]

fear is a normal response to the things in our environment which might pose a danger, but it sounds like your son's response is exaggerated, or triggered too soon on too many occasions. psychologists use cognitive behavioural therapy to treat fears in adults (and children too, I suppose) eg spiders, needles which we all have to one degree or another. it's all about exposure to the thing that scares you, but very gradually and you set the goals yourself and learn strategies to cope - breathing slowly and stopping. maybe you could try something less formal, like you have been doing explaining about the house and then talking about how he feels when he's with you or on his own and comparing that with what really happens to him, and the fact that you're always in the house anyway if there was a problem. maybe you could talk about things which frighten you/others but obviously don't bother him to try & build up his confidence.

[Rhiannon]

Thanks for the advice. We've tried going up the stairs saying "I am safe, I am safe" over and over again but this doesn't help.

I tell him that he's in the safest place in the world while he's at home with his family.

He is told that bad things only exist in books and films.

I also remember being frightened as a child so I think I'll just have to pander to him! R

[janh]

Rhiannon, this month's Family Circle has a whole page feature on just this. Don't know if it would help you but you could flick through next time you're in a newsagent/supermarket.

[mollipops]

Rhiannon, since he has such a great imagination, maybe you could try using it to work against the monsters/bogeymen etc. Let him choose a crystal from a shop and give it special monster munching powers. Give it a specific power - it emits a magic shield, or acts like kryptonite etc. Also has he got a night light? Or you could get one of those sensor lights on the stairs, or a push-button battery operated one so he can turn it on or off himself. HTH

[bundle]

Rhiannon, as well as reassuring him saying home is where he's safe, maybe you could try asking him what specifically he's scared about...and then putting it to him "did that scary thing happen?" and building on his own confidence like that, rather than saying scary only happens in books. I'm no expert, but just feel this maybe has to come from within him (?)