I am really struggling with DS1's behaviour

[Pinkchampagne]

I recently moved into a new place on my own with my two boys & I expected some behaviour problems with my boys as it is obviously a really big change & a very stressful time for them.

DS1 started behaved really badly from day 1 (as expected), but a month on it is getting no better, despite trying positive things like smiley charts etc.

Everything is a struggle (he is also being assessed for possible special needs), even simple things like asking him to get his shoes on is a challange.

He is answering back constantly, being rude, not doing as he is told & basically challanging me to the max.

This morning I started a new smiley chart with him, but it made no difference to his behaviour & he told me he would scribble all over it.

The second his father turns up to collect him, he turns into a different child.

I am feeling so low & so drained now. I am finding it so hard coping with it all on my own & just don't know how to make things better.

[Pinkchampagne]

Spoke to the SENCO today during my performance management meeting, and told her about the troubles I am having with DS1 (nothing to do with my work performance, I know!), and she suggested trying a chart where he only earns smiley faces, not sad ones. I think this is a good idea as once he gets a sad face, he totally loses interest in the whole chart.
I am going to start a new chart tomorrow where he is to try & get 5 smiley faces a day, then gets a reward at the end of each day of 20p or so, which he can save up.

[Pinkchampagne]

Still having real struggles, although it appears he is not being perfect with his dad either...better than he is for me, but not perfect.
He stropped about having to read his reading book to me tonight & made a real fuss, so I stopped him from watching any TV for the rest of the evening.

I hope things settle down soon.

[Pinkchampagne]

I also had a good counsellor, who helped me a lot, but I have finished my counselling now.

[Pinkchampagne]

I wouldn't have got through this without my friends, both my RL friends & my virtual friends!

[pointydog]

o pink, that sounds pretty awful. Who are your main allies then?

[Pinkchampagne]

Yes he is staying there until his house is ready. He has been there around 3 weeks now (he started off staying with his own mum), although he told me at first that he wouldn't stay with them because of how badly they treated me during the move. He obviously changed his mind!

[pointydog]

your ex is staying with your mum and dad?! I missed that

[Pinkchampagne]

He will be 8 in September, pollyanna, so yes!

I really hope this stage is over soon because it does drag you down.

Sometimes it does feel like my parents & ex H are a bit of a gang, Blu, especially now he is staying with them.
Mum was on at me earlier asking what I was planning to do for him tomorrow seen as it's fathers day!!

Last night I was fine after a little while. I just felt a bit fed up because exH said (after promising to have boys overnight) that he would have to go back & check with my mum because when he mentioned it earlier, she said "I thought we were going for a meal"
He then told me that they want to take him out for doing their bathroom, but she was prepared to do this on a night he should have the boys & I felt pretty pi*sed off about it all!
They obviously ended up staying there in the end though, but I was left feeling non too happy.

Boys are back now, so peace is shattered!

[pollyanna]

Is he 7-8 pinkchampagne?

If so, he sounds like my ds - got really really naughty, talking back, cheeky, ignoring me etc. He also got into alot of trouble at school. Now he is back to his old self.

I think quite a few boys at this age are like this, and it is possible this is exacerbated by your situation.

(if he's not that old, I'm sorry).

[pointydog]

Aw champers, you're doing well. One month is no time, even though it must seem like an age to you just now.

[Blu]

How very bizarre your Mum is, i don't think i will ever get used to it!

And it's somuch like 'ganging up', isn't it? Even if she doesn't mean it that way. AND the boys see her as a team with exH, Grrrrrr. She has the sensitivity of a rhino under a general aneasthetic. Oh well - whatever the background, it is a night off from single parenting, a nightto relax or otherwise enjoy yourself, so I hope you have some plans to cheer yourself up!!

What a sweet boy DS1 is, even though he leads you such a dance.

[Pinkchampagne]

DS's teacher spoke to me at lunchtime today & asked how things were.
She has been pretty good & very understanding throughout all this, and told me today that she has recently moved into a new house without her husband after 12 years of pretending all was ok, just for the sake of her children.
She said that you only have one life, and looking back she doesn't know how she kept going for twelve long years.
She told me that her 21 year old son is taking it really badly, so it doesn't matter how old your children are in these circumstances.

[Pinkchampagne]

Think it is hearing about the dinner invite, mixed with all that has been going on with DS1 etc, that is causing me to feel a bit lower than normal.

[Foxey]

Dont get down on a night off, you can have a drink! I would get some girly company (no one depressing!) or just get a funny dvd and enjoy the peace. Back to reality tomorrow. I think you are doing great job of course you love your boys but you need to take care of your self too, and you can have a nice fun day with them tomorrow. Enjoy it!

BTW - If the boys only see their dad for short spurts, its no wonder they try so hard as he isn't there for long. It's the long haul that's tough. You really are doing all the hard work. I hope you have a great weekend

I might however have to kill my mum for the dinner invite

[Pinkchampagne]

Sorry, quiet, not quite!

Forgot to mention that DS1 had cut out a heart shape at school today, coloured it in pink, and put it in his book bag. He told me it was for me & for daddy.

[Pinkchampagne]

I felt awful about the TA. She caught me at the end of playtime & said how sorry she was, then burst into tears. I said "Sorry about what?"
She then said that she shouldn't have said all that about DS1 yesterday, but that she cares about me & about DS.
I told her not to worry & not to get herself upset about it, but I felt awful.
I went into class & asked if something had been said at all, and was told that they had a word with DS's teacher, who advised they also talked to the SENCO about it.
I can't tell you how bad that made me feel!

The boys don't have a set routine as to when they see their dad, because he works shifts, but they have been seeing him at some point of most days, even if it is for as little as 30 mins.
He has just taken them off for the night. They are staying with him at my parents house tonight, although my mum apparantly wanted to take ex H out for a meal tonight, to thank him for doing some tiling!!

The house is suddenly all quite & lonely.
No matter how hard the boys can be, I miss them within minutes when they go off for the night.

[Foxey]

Hi PC, Its a shame that the TA felt upset but she did the right thing, and surely its a part of their job to share this info with you. Hopefully not too much more guilt for you though.

I am really pleased you found the councelling helpful. Sharing your feelings should hopefully really help.

And your DS1 sounds lovely. He must find it very hard to try and be good when so many things have changed which he probably doesn't like. Not that this makes it easier for you to manage I'm sure. But kiddies never seem to cope well with change anyway.

Also - does your x-dh only have the boys at the weekends? If so its know wonder they behave well with him as will be off to do fun things, where as the week is full of strict bedtimes, healthy dinners and rushing for school etc. If so make you have some fun too - .

[Pinkchampagne]

Thanks Foxy.
I have actually just recently finished a round of counselling, which I found really helpful.
I have been told by my HV that there is a child counsellor that is in some way involved with the school, so it might be worth me looking into that for DS at some stage.

It's been really hard, and there are moments where I just feel I am getting it all wrong, and that maybe he has more respect for his dad because I am the useless parent etc, also wondering if he blames me for the split.
But last night we had a quite a nice evening, which I praised him for, & we had a bit of a chat.
He woke up this morning & one of the first things he said to me was "I want to try to be good for you today mummy" Bless him!

I guess it is going to be very up & down for a while though, and I have got to try to do the best I can.

It seems that the teacher I work with has had some kind of a word about DS's TA coming up & telling me all that about DS in class yesterday, because she could tell it had all upset me.
I had the TA come up apologising to me & bursting into tears, which I felt absolutely terrible about because I know she didn't mean any harm by it.

[Foxey]

I read this all yesterday Pink champagne but didnt have the chance to say I think it sounds like you are doing a great job. It must be very hard for you with 2 boys, most mums find it hard with two parents. In addition I also thought it might help to share my experience. I have 2 brothers but my older brother and I were brought up by my just my Mum. We didnt have contact with our father and I think that made growing up incredibly hard for him (it never really bothered me much). I know that your sons see their father and that is great and will no doubt be very helpful for them to have a positive male figure around. i hope you are all able to keep this up as I think you will need to be pretty strong over the coming years - single women bringing up boys is a very tough job!. It is early days for your break and move though so the bad beahviour does seem understandable however if in 6mths things haven't changed I would see about a personal counceller for you and your sons. My Mum is American (& they love them) and I had one as a child and I genuily think she changed my life and my Mums (as my Mum needed someone to talk about her feelings too which made her able to be a better parent). I wish you and your boys all the best, keep up the good work.

[Pinkchampagne]

We have had a pretty good evening, and DS & I have had a bit of a chat & a hug. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, but I realise that it will all probably take a bit of time & I just need to try to do the best I can in the meantime.

[Pinkchampagne]

It was his TA that told me about the "blowing up the school" thing, FIS.

The teachers that I work alongside are quite anti her filling me in on DS's every move, but I think she feels she is being helpful, even if sometimes (like today, when I am a bit of a stress head) this is not really the case.

[Pinkchampagne]

I know he is more than likely still suffering, and I feel like I have been a pretty awful mum recently, really I have, but I am going to try harder & be the kind of mum that I should be.

[foxinsocks]

you have to admire his ingenuity PC (re blowing up the school)

are you sure he said that thing about you being arrested (you know what girls are like when it comes to tittle tattle)? Even if he did, you KNOW he didn't mean it. (lol at Blu's ds and the rocket on her head. What are they like!).

You sound like such a loving mother PC and tbh, that's all you can do. Provide the cuddles and the love and help him get through this - some children adapt to change better than others and perhaps he is still dealing with everything (sorry, don't know all your history).

[Blu]

Oh, god, PC, how bloody hard.

You do know that that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, though, don't you?

DS once told me he hoped a rocket would come down from space and land on my head and burn me up.

It does sound as if he is feeling very very vulnerable.

Hmmm. He knows exH often made you unhappy. He knows you are often unhappy with him (from the charts etc). Maybe he thinks that he is next for the big E.

It would all be so much easier if what they were thinking / feeling / perceiving was broadcast across their forheads, wouldn't it?

[Pinkchampagne]

Best I buy some chalks then!

I only get time on my own when they are in bed & finally get to sleep, or when they go out with their dad, but that all depends on his shift.

I wasn't able to eat without feeling sick for the first week or so following the move, but that's all calmed now & I am eating ok most of the time.

Had DS's TA come up to me in class today & say "It seems your son wants to blow up the school because he hates school"
Apparantly he came out with this while she did some small group work with him, so he is starting to try the shock phrases at school now too.
One of the other children then told him he would be arrested, and he apparantly then said "I don't care if mummy is arrested"
I just felt like crying when she came & told me all this.