My 3 year old upset me today

[user1490395938]

Hello, new here so apologies if this is in the wrong place
To cut to the chase, collected DS from holiday club today and staff said he'd been wonderfully behaved all day. Walking out towards my car down a busy Street and he fights to let go of my hand but I explain that it's dangerous and he must walk with mummy. Screaming and shouting at me to go away and that he hates me. Passers-by looking and I want to die....calmly telling him that we will be at the car soon and that he must walk sensibly because of traffic. Continues to shout I hate you, I love daddy not you. Tears in my eyes, pick him up to get to the car, he kicks me and refuses to get in, have to manhandle him into seat to strap him in. Bites me. Kicks hell out of passenger seat back. I drive off and all the way home he tells me I'm an awful mummy, he wants to kill me and I can go and get lost'!!!
Fight once again when we get outside house because he doesn't want to come in doors. Screaming on grass verge near house. Neighbours looking. Want to die!! Grab him by hand and get him to front door, he sits down. Get into house and he's saying awful things to me. I slapped him as a last resort and now he's sobbing. I feel like a terrible person. I actually love him like all the world and beyond! He has everything he desires (I don't mean spoilt but he is very well cared for and we dote on him iyswim) and I know I'm a devoted mum to him so why does he do this to me?

He's always been strong willed and is hard work at times. Generally well behaved and always polite to other people. Have had a few behavioral incidents at nursery with him biting and hitting other children during squabbling over toys etc. staff say he's well on track for his age with his learning so no worries there.

I just don't know why he has these awful outbursts, please help!!!!!!

[user1490395938]

Thank you xx

[nuttyknitter]

I'm glad it's all calmed down. Tantrums are baffling and exhausting - for three year olds and their parents. Their minds work so differently to ours that it's often impossible to understand what triggered the outburst but it's safe to say that they don't have the emotional understanding to be doing it deliberately to upset us. I find it really helpful to look at a tantrum as them "having a hard time" (though it may be impossible for them to say, or us to guess, why) rather than "giving us a hard time".

[user1490395938]

I know he thinks the world of me as I do him. He's always saying love you mummy.
I suffer from anxiety and tend to over think so beating myself up over this.!!

[user1490395938]

Sorry I'm useless with this posting lark, not used to using mumsnet and my posts keep disappearing.!!!
Thank you to all posters. It quickly diffused after we both got upset. I said sorry and he did too and I told him I loved him (like I tell him everyday!!!) he had dinner, bath and fell asleep promptly!

[user1490395938]

Keep trying to post a reply but for some reason I can't see it once I've clicked post.
No idea whatsoever where he got phrases from such as those, thats why I was shocked! No one in my household speaks like that, nor grandparents. He's only ever with us, grandparents or nursery /holiday club.

[Starlight2345]

I agree with the others he wanted comfort..This is one of those occasions where you cuddle them closer.

Have you seen a FB post reasons why my child is sobbing.. There is a reason ..You don't know it..They may well not even know it. You are the closest person to him that is why it is directed at you.

It was not the greeting you were hoping for.. You know I hate you doesn;t mean they hate you..You know you are loved. It is lashing out at someone they feel safe with.

The problem with the name terrible twos is people think they don't go through to 3.4.5 etc.. 2 is usually the peak of the tantrums but they start before and after 2.

[Chamomiletea]

Don't feel sorry! It's normal to feel overwhelmed when dealing with someone being out of control.

I would worry about the language, talk to nursery and say you do not speak like that at home. Also check what shows he is allowed to watch with his grandparents.

Secoundly just focus on getting in as much lovely one on one time as you can when he isn't tired.

Go in and give him a big cuddle when he is in bed sniff the top of his head and just remember how much you love him and how safe he must feel with you to act like that

[BigGrannyPants]

You seem more concerned that other people were looking. Your toddler needed a cuddle, not a slap. They do say horrible things sometimes, of course you would feel hurt and pretty stressed but it's not ok to hit and you need to apologise.

By hitting and shouting at him you are reinforcing bad behaviour.

[SerialReJoiner]

One tactics that works very well with my dc is acknowledging their emotions - in the face of such a storm, I would say "I can see you are angry right now" or "You seem tired" or "Yes, you are upset with me". It helps them to name their emotions, and to feel like I'm taking their concerns seriously, not just trying to hush them up.

And please stop worrying what other people think! Just focus on your son, the important one.

[SleepFreeZone]

ive lived this (am still living it to some extent) abs I have lots of sympathy for you. I used to smack my sons hand when he did things that were bloody dangerous, I think I smacked a leg once too when he kept hurting me. At one point though I had a realisation that how could I admonish him for hitting if I then hit him? It made no sense at all, so I stopped she that was it.

He is four now and can still get himself into a state but a lot of it is when he is overtired. In your situation I would have either totally ignored what he said or probably said I didn't much like him either and played him at his own game. I am a sarcy cow though.

Forgive yourself the slap and try rewarding good behaviour instead. It's very positive that he is behaving all day at school/holiday club etc

[ipswichwitch]

This is a regular occurrence with 3yo DS. I can't count the number of times I've had to carry him to the car, under my arm like a roll of carpet (legs always facing outward!)

When he tantrums it's almost always when he's tired, and not at his most logical, so sometimes it's the least thing that sets him off. If he's still at it when we get home I just get out of the car and leave him in it, still strapped in. I'll stand a short distance away so I can watch him, and when he's calmed down I'll get him out. He's then ready for a cuddle and a little talk about what happened.

You can't reason with them while they're mid-tantrum, you'll just earn yourself a whack for trying. If I'm in the house and he tantrums, I just walk off, stay near enough to keep an eye on him and wait for it to pass and get to the cuddle phase. He will tell me to go away and that he doesn't like me, I don't respond, as it's all to get a reaction, he doesn't mean it. He'll tell me afterwards that he's sorry and he loves me!

At this age some kids find their emotions hard to deal with, and tantrums can quickly spiral. Just keep calm, it'll pass, and I've found his tantrums are now less frequent and not lasting as long.

[user1490395938]

Sorry I feel really silly for posting now. He was tired and worn out after a long day and I got myself all upset and overwhelmed.

[user1490395938]

I don't know where he got it from, that's why it shocked and upset me. He's only ever at nursery /holiday club or with grandparents or at home and none of the family talk in that manner in any way, shape or form.

[user1490395938]

Funnyonion I don't know and that's why it shocked me as we never talk like that at home in any way, shape or form! He's only ever at home or at grandparents or at nursery and I can assure you that grandparent don't talk like this either!

[user1490395938]

Farfaraway I dont know where he got that from as I've never ever said anything like that, unless he's heard it at nursery.

[Funnyonion17]

I agree, the language is very extreme. I've had two three year olds and none of them ever wished me dead or said they hate me etc hmm. Sure they had tantrums, but were has he got that talk from?

[tavmuch]

What's really worked with my three yr old was filming him on my phone and showing him his own behaviour (v much as you described) - weirded him out on some deep level but stopped it! (that episode anyway...)

[farfarawayfromhome]

Screaming and shouting at me to go away and that he hates me.

where has he got this language from? Could it be nursery or the club? It seems a bit extreme for a three year old. ( I have a four year old before anyone asks)

[CherriesInTheSnow]

I went to view a nursery for my 18 month old a little while ago and the very nice manager showing us around explained that their first reaction after having fun all day is to remember that you left them and get upset, so they often burst into tears upon seeing you!

So I think you are hugely misinterpreting his emotions even though it must be very distressing for you to hear that, but you must remember that he is 3, he is tired, he has missed you, he cannot process the fact he is tired and has missed you, and you need to just ignore the tantrum and give him some love.

Please don't ever smack though :( I'm sure you realise that though, it's really not the answer ever and cannot be condoned.

[user1490395938]

Thanks, yes Merlin, he's had his dinner and a quick bath and now asleep. Over tired I think!

[booellesmum]

DD1 - now 15 - was like this. DD2 just battled me about getting dressed everyday.
DD1 was like it for a loooong time. It is not personal. As a child I knew my mother didn't like me so I never misbehaved like this as I couldn't trust she wouldnt just leave me. I think when kids push the boundaries like this with you it is because they know you love them no matter what.
I remember one incident very well when DD1 announced to the whole queue in sainsburys that I was not her real mother, I had stolen her from her real mother who was now very sad. I also treated her like a slave making her do all the housework and she was going to run away at the first opportunity. I am surprised no one called social services.
I am her real mother by the way!
I found I needed to smile through gritted teeth and say I was sad she felt like that as I loved her very much, always would and would be sad if I didn't have her.
It will get better.

[EsmeeMerlin]

As others have said he is 3 years old and probably exhausted after a full day at holiday club. You just get him home quick as you can and in bed. I wouldn't be embarrassed, everyone knows 3 year old tantrums. I have a 3 year old myself and know they can be hard work however you do need to toughen up and not take it all personally. Kids will pick up on it. Most parents have heard I hate you at least once from their kid.

[user1490395938]

Merkin I meant that because he said he liked holiday club and staff said he'd been good all day I couldn't see any reason why he would suddenly turn into a major tantrum. If he'd had a bad day there I could have understood it more. But yes, where 3 year olds are concerned there's sometimes a lack of logic and sometimes three doesn't have to be a reason at all.

[user1490395938]

Upperlimit "I wanted to die" meaning that there were lots of people around on the pavement where we were and they were looking (probably not taking as much notice as I thought, guess I worry too much what other people think).

[Quartz2208]

He doesn't do it to you, its not about you. He had a long day at holiday club probably making sure he did behave and at the end of the day he was tired and hungry and could finally relax and out came the emotion

Nothing in your post is unusual for a 3 year old in fact I would be surprised if it's not every three year old they still work on instinct. Not biting kicking out in anger is not innate behaviour, it's learnt that in society you don't do it