Can anyone help? How to deal with 3yo RAGES (terrifying)

[SomeDayMyPrinceMightCome]

I've posted about 3.5 yo DD before but getting so worn down by it.

She is fundamentally happy, sparky, very creative and incredibly loving.

BUT... her rages are horrendous.

I can't really call them tantrums because they're not what I would classify as a tantrum eg Child wants something they're told they can't have and they start to kick off.

These aren't related to anything she's told she can't do or can't have. They SOLELY happen in these kinds of situations: when she is asked to choose between two things and can't decide; when there is a smell she finds offensive; frustration at not being able to do something INSTANTLY or to her satisfaction eg when she is drawing a picture and gets it 'wrong'.

She will scream, just loud back of the throat screaming noises and often also bizarre rambling phrases the more worked up she gets (eg today, in the middle of a particularly horrendous meltdown in the swimming pool changing room when she had lost it because she thought her hands smelled funny) she was screaming at me 'You're the only one I can trust with the truth'... I don't think she even knew what she was saying (!) but it is incoherent.

She will end up almost sick with screaming.

She will sometimes run at me in sort of wild angry desperation, push and shove me etc.

In mid-scream, she will suddenly stop, wail 'I'm sorry, please help me calm down' and then as soon as I say, "Ok, DD, let's take a deep breath...' she wil scream 'NO!" again and start screaming all over again.

Today at the pool she was whacking the cubicle door with her hands so hard I thought she would really hurt herself.

It was terrible. And it's the 3rd similar one so far in the last 7 days.

My response is to remain calm, speak gently and simply, say as little as possible except what I think might help eg, 'Can I help you, DD? Shall we count to 10 etc.'

But fucking hell, today was a bad one.

I CANNOT do what might be advised in the case of a child throwing a tantrum eg warnings, threats, 'If you don't stop this nonsense we won't be going swimming etc'. Because part of the escalation in her case is always an awareness that she is doing something terrible and therefore if I point it out, as it were, it just escalates it even further, if that were possible.

Also, it just wouldn't help. She is always very distressed by these meltdowns and will apologise, wretchedly, as soon as she has calmed down. She's not being 'naughty'. She just loses control.

I know the triggers: Hunger, tiredness, over-stimulation. But I can't always avoid these. Sometimes even though she is hungry she won't eat enough. Sometime even though she is tired she won't have a short nap. I give her as much down time as I can. I keep snacks to hand.

I don't know what to do. I am starting to dread going out anywhere and doing anything because the smallest of things can set her off.

Please, can anyone help? Today's was terrifying. Sll 3 rages this week have lasted over 15 mins (that's 15 mins solid, in public, of screaming until she's almost sick and bright red in the face)

Should I have her checked out by anyone? I'm almost scared. Is this normal?

She is very highly-strung - my entire family is highly strung - but what am I doing wrong and how can I help her?

Thanks and sorry for the essay...

[MsPickle]

Just a thought but is there a smell she really likes? Perhaps lavender, she could have a fabric ball with it in so she has something to feel/smell if she's somewhere she's struggling?

I know someone who's daughter was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder at age 11, she's said that seam free underwear changed their life.

My DS also has a great big book of feelings which gave us space to talk about big feelings in a safe way and helped him find a way through the rages (which were extraordinary, only happened with me and were scary at times. But he grew out of them although is still prone to massive over reactions if it's me and the kids and something happens. I count to 10 to help me. I also found that naming the emotions/sensations in the moment helped "I understand that you're scared/cross/sad/hungry etc but I can't help you change that until we can speak."

[Hollyandtheiveee]

I could have written this about my child several months ago. I have a 3.9 year old and he suffers from these extreme meltdowns too. I am pleased to say that they have become much less frequent and don't last as long as they did. He seems to be able to manage intense feelings more easily and is growing out of some of the triggers. He only ever reserved the meltdowns for me or his dad (never school or other family members). It was almost as if he could completely let go. Triggers were usually hunger, tiredness he feeling anxious/uncertain. As you describe, they were different to tantrums (he has these too) and it's almost as if he had lost control. He asks me to repeat things as if to help calm himself/reassure himself and nothing makes sense. They used to last about 30 mins and he might have several a week. Now they last only minutes and are prob only 10 days or so. I think for some children, the feelings and emotions they are feeling at this age are just too big for them. There is also a lot going on in the brain with regards to development. Tgeceirjd can be confusing for them!