Nursery have just rang me

[Notjustaboything]

And I'm horrified but not surprised.

Ds is nearly 4. (Hes the 4th child but only boy). The nursery manager has rang as he has badly scratched another child as he wanted something they had. He has form for this and lots of other aggressive behaviour. She wanted to discuss how we can deal with him. I use star chart rewards at home which kind of works ish. Oh and he also laughed when he got told off. little bugger Wtf should I do? Is it just boy behaviour? Will he grow out of it? Or am I doomed to be called in to school hated by ither parents Help please??

[mikado1]

You'll both enjoy love bombing and it can be a more day to day thing it's not easy.

[Notjustaboything]

I agree Mikado. He generally loves it. I would like him at home more but its not possible right now.

[mikado1]

If others are at risk surely they should stay v close? At least observe from nearby? Does he like going there?

[Notjustaboything]

P.S. I know and agree with zero tolerance to physical aggression but I just think he needs to feel understood in it all and I believe that understanding will help him in long term.

Yes you might be right. I have been soending time talking to him and love bombing.

[Notjustaboything]

Thanks Mikado. He wouldn't say alot tonight and his key workers wasn't with him so doesn't know full details. I'm not sure he will get someone shadowing due to numbers. I ferl for him too,hes clearly strughling in a nursery setting.

[mikado1]

P.S. I know and agree with zero tolerance to physical aggression but I just think he needs to feel understood in it all and I believe that understanding will help him in long term.

[mikado1]

But nursery have to make sure they know why and really need to be shadowing him, and talking to him. What does he say to you about it and what sets it off? I know you're frustrated but it's not going to change overnight, his brain won't be fully developed for maybe another 15years so it's not as simple as it seems to us! Forget the conkers, he should be removed from the toys/children children playing with, yes, but the feeling and reason behind it has to be recognised and identified. I really feel for him, and you. Enjoy the break over weekend.

[Notjustaboything]

Gps

[Notjustaboything]

mikado Cheers, I will read that over the weekend. Right now I have a banging headache!

I picked Ds up this afternoon and he has had a mixed day. I had such high hopes after going over using our words if cross and seeking out an adult if not working. I also took a couple of toys away last night, instant read card for hurting someone. I also waits to get flamed gave stickers for positive behaviour. Nursery have taken his conquer collection away for yesterday's behaviour, they are handed back for good behaviour one by one.

Today he got one and then point blank refused to listen so got ittaken away. He also scratched a child, not sure why. He was getting really angry so the nn took him for a walk to the iffice and stayed there until he calmed down. My poor boy.

Anyway hes gone to visit his gps today until Sunday with DH and two of dsisters. Break for me and I have discussed consistency with Dh. which gos wil fuck up

[Notjustaboything]

kitty Thank you. Sorry your son was bitten. I have had my dd's on the recieving end too over the years.

[mikado1]

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3202744

Just saw this and thought of you op.. huffpost usually good. Hope you have a lovely weekend, maybe with some special time for you and your ds.

[user1476140278]

Tonsil it doesn't always take years and years to get diagnosed at all. My friend's son was DXd at 3 almost 4 following investigation beginning at 2. It depends where you live.

[Redheadsreallyrock]

thinking of you op

[Notjustaboything]

Natsku. Thank you and good luck to. I like the idea of splitting the day into chunks. 🌸

[Natsku]

OP my 5 year (DD so its not just boy behaviour!) has aggression issues too, thankfully aimed mostly at me instead of other children though. She's in the process of getting evaluated for any neuro or psych issues but the child psychologist and other professionals involved have given me the following ideas to help in the meantime (some more successful than others):

Rewarding non-aggressive behaviour - split day up into chunks so more chance of getting rewarded and getting the positive association between non-aggression and something nice happening. Use as a reward something that your child would otherwise not get at all (for DD at the time, it was a chance to pick something to watch on youtube). Focus on just the non-aggression so if he gets through that part of the day without hitting/biting/scratching he gets the reward even if he was naughty in other ways.

Figure out what calms him down - some children calm down better by themselves, some calm down better sat on your lap.

Get down to his level when you are telling him not to hit/scratch etc. Speak calmly but firmly. Explain why he mustn't do it.

Definitely think its a good idea to meet with nursery and get professionals involved. Good luck.

[Notjustaboything]

I feel like Im in AIBU? Clearly some think I am. Sigh.

[Notjustaboything]

I don't think it is in any way diasblist to say that having no sanctions other than star charts is weak and ineffectual parenting.

Talk about talking bullshit. I have 3 others dcs are have never had these problems. thanks for the verbal kicking though.

[lndngg]

I have a much younger child, so definitely take this with a pinch (or cup!) of salt! I read the book Permission to Parent and it seemed to make a lot of sense for me. The author is a mother and a psychiatrist and advocates what people have suggested above - really clear consequences like taking a toy away, removal of privileges.

Also, pretty much everyone I went to school with came right and are now happy functioning adults. People who have ended up with messy lives are always surprises, sometimes people just take a while to grow into things and mature at different paces.

[Notjustaboything]

One thing that helps my little boy - I think - is "special listening time". I told him I was really interested in what he had to say but he didn't always get a chance to tell me. Could we please have a special time when he talks and I listen? He adores it, and he often raises worries or bad things that have happened, which he wouldn't otherwise share. It's definitely got more out of him than just having 1 to 1 time at bedtime.

Really like this idea!

[Notjustaboything]

Thank you JaquieBrambles and other kind posters.

[Notjustaboything]

Just got home, reading replies. Yep she did say it over the phone. I don't really feel anything about that right now. I'm numb, worried about my boy and wondering if its something I did wrong in prehnancy.

[Notjustaboything]

Today 12:23 goingtotown

Maybe he's not getting a balanced diet. I worked in a play group many years ago, some aggressive kids would arrive having had biscuits,chocolate,crisps or anything that was easy to grab for breakfast. I can always remember a little girl always smelling of Monster Munch crisps.

Bloody hell FYI He has a fairly good diet and no he doesnt eat crisps for breakfast.

[tonsiltennis]

f the nursery manager seriously suspected it I would have expected a formal meeting with ideas and suggestions on how to get the ball rolling toward a formal diagnosis.

Anyway if he is mildly autistic, how would that make a difference in allowing this sort of behaviour? I have an autistic child in close family and they are still not allowed to bite, hit, or be aggressive.

Sadly getting a diagnosis takes YEARS AND YEARS, it's far from as simple as a nursery manager getting the ball rolling. I only wish it was that easy.
Regarding strategies and acceptable behaviour no one is saying that hurting other children is acceptable but the point that needs to be accepted is that the usual methods don't work and sometimes there's nothing anyone can do except prevent it happening in the first place, which requires a high degree of understanding of the behaviour of the individual child and his triggers. Sanctions after the fact are often frustratingly pointless.