need help with problem 8yo, can't take much more

[pinkunicornsarefluffy]

I am getting to the end of my tether with DD and am really not sure what to do next. I hate long opening posts that appear on every page, so will expand further in my next post.

I hope so, everything just seems so stressful at the moment. I overslept today as my alarm didn't go off and DD had woken me at 3am, 5am, asking if it was time to get up yet! So I explained to her that we were running late, that it wasn't her fault, but we needed to be quick today, and she just ignored me and carried on playing with the cat.

When I dropped her at school I told her to look both ways, she immediately ran across the road in front of a bicycle. I shouted to warn her, she then went in to school upset. Then I'm upset too. It's an awful way to start the day for both of us.

She keeps forgetting to bring home her school homework and reading diary and the school won't assist her by making sure she does, all they say the children need to be responsible for it themselves. It's things like that I find really difficult. Yes at some point they need to be responsible but here is a child who will never remember anything, who I think needs some help from them and doesn't get it. If she was physically disabled and couldn't put her book in her bag then somebody would do it for her, but concentration/memory problems and there is no help.

It sounds like not coping with ASD to me - ds and dn both age 8 have ASD as do most of the family probably, so we're very used to what they find hard, but particularly over the summer it's shown how their flexibility of thinking is not there - so if dn is busy petting the cat or watching tv, he really cannot figure out how to stop doing that earlier than he had intended, which means warnings beforehand are critical.

PDA and ODD symptoms are usually manfestations of not coping with ASD rather than separate diagnoses. I found the Senco as well as GP, OT and dietician all pushing for assessment made it happen - the first assessment ds was lovely so the application was rejected, but then he managed a meltdown on the OT so I was taken more seriously after that!

Lists of what to do each day help, and calendars showing what is planned each week (ds thinks pictures are babyish, but needs the list), but the idea of marbles in jars would be too tough for his anxiety.

The Explosive Child is a great book partly because it starts from the viewpoint that "children behave well if they can" - and then how people can help them.

Has the Senco talked to the class teacher about how to help your dd learn what to do eg when given newsletters - could be she thinks it should go in her bag, but you aren't allowed to get up to put things in your bag during the day, so she has no idea what to do with it, so this is terrifying and the best thing is to make the paper go away by eating it or throwing it away. (been there...)

There was supposed to have been a full handover at the start of term, but already DD is having problems. Not being assisted with newsletters, not being allowed to go to the toilet. (Needs to go as a matter of urgency sometimes as never seems to know she needs it until its almost too late). Teacher sent her out of class last week for not concentrating on her work. On another day, she put them into groups, nobody would let DD join and teacher did nothing so DD sat and read a book.

I'm not impressed with the new teacher but don't want to go and kick up a fuss at the start of term, sounding off about my precious snowflake! Especially when school have stated behaviour down to lack of contact not any issues. It's so difficult knowing what to do for best.

Have adopted a "f u" attitude at the moment. If they can't be bothered to assist her then I can't be bothered to help them!

I saw the doctor this morning, she is going to refer to CAHMs but said that they may decide it's not their department and refer elsewhere. She said that if the school thought there was a problem like ADHD then they would be pushing for a referral. She said that if she behaves at school then the problem is obviously with me. She said maybe some family therapy would be useful. I said that she is struggling at school but seems to mostly react positively to the authority there but not at home.

So to be honest I don't feel like anything has been achieved, will have to see what the referral says.

Don't feel like anything has changed.

There was a sharp intake of breath when I said DD hadn't seen her dad for 7 weeks. I stressed that there is nothing I can do about that situation.

So all I can do is carry on, day after day, neither of us happy, nothing getting any better. I am going to try and have Special Time with DD each day, and try and talk to her through role play with puppets, these are
things I have done previously with her.

Don't feel at all optimistic though that anything is going to change any time soon.

I'm an OT - I agree it sounds like ASD. I also had a dickwad of a father who dwindled his contact with me around the same age. It was shit and it was upsetting and scars me to this day, but I didn't behave like that. What you're describing is much deeper.

And saying 'if she behaves at school, but only kicks off with you then it must be your fault' is bullshit. It's a hallmark of ASD that behaviour is better in a structured and predictable environment then explosive with a parent. Push those referrals and even go private if you can possibly afford it (can your exP pay...?)

XH won't pay anything other than £27 CSA per week as he thinks that should cover everything that DD needs.

Thanks for the comment. I just seem to feel like school and everyone just put it back onto me rather than try and see whether there is something else causing it. They make me feel neurotic, which then puts me off pursuing it, but I am all DD has to fight her corner.

It is a horrible situation to be in.

I agree with Elphaba, holding it together in school and letting rip at home is not uncommon for kids with ASCs. My DS was the other way round because our home was so quiet and routine and his worst behaviour was in school, but I know several other kids with ASCs who are more like your DD.

If your DD does have an ASC then the unpredictability of contact with her father may well have a stronger effect on her than on other kids, because (many) kids with ASCs like things to be ordered and planned and predictable and are deeply disturbed by uncertainty or last-minute changes of plan.

It is frustrating when a child has (quite possibly) more than one problem but people keep pinning it on one cause and ignoring the others. One of my friends’ children’s diagnosis was delayed because his problems were put down to the grief and disruption of his mother’s illness and death. Hang in there!

Actually I am not sure why the GP and school are focussing on your DD’s father so much. A lot of kids don’t have involvement with their fathers at all and don’t have these problems. Could you just answer briefly “he’s not really in the picture any more” and then move on to the real issues that concern you? The fact that your DD is physically unaware that she needs to go to the toilet until the very last moment could be a developmental issue. Whether it is or not, it has nothing to do with her father.

Had "meet the teacher" evening last night and finally met the teacher... I feel better now that I have met her, I was getting a bad vibe about her, but she seems ok. I have spoken with her about helping DD to bring home letters, but I have to email her today as DD says that the teacher won't let her keep water on her desk and won't let her get up to get it either. DD has to drink at least 750ml per day as per the school nurse due to constipation.

All these issues should have been discussed at handover from the last teacher and senco!

One good thing about the meeting, it turned out that out of a class of 30, not one parent understood what the children were meant to be doing with their spellings each night . So i don't feel quite so useless now and the teacher has explained it all to us. There is no hope for the children understanding it if the parents don't!

and DD also brought home a certificate yesterday for her work on maths and her improved attitude in class. Little steps.

All I can do now is wait to see what happens next, but I can see that I am going to have to push for an assessment possibly. They seem to want to pin everything onto me.

somebody has just brought something to my attention... DD has very small breasts growing... I have just put it down to her carrying a bit of weight, but her legs are also excessively hairy and she has a proper figure on her now.

The point my friend made, is maybe she is going through early puberty and not just carrying a bit of weight, and that if she is, maybe this is causing some of her emotional problems...

I don't know if I am just clutching at straws or whether it is something that should be looked into. If I take her to the doctors, will they think I am crazy or will they treat it seriously?

I doubt myself so much because I don't want to be judged as some neurotic mother, I don't know what is right to do any more.

GP sounds like an arse. But, if you get to see someone at CAHMS, then you hopefully will se someone more knowledgeable. We were pushed from pillar to post for two years, community peads, child psychs, all said dd did not have ASD. After referral to CAHMS we had one hour with a family therapist who spotted it straight away.

Please don't let people sway you about puberty either, my 8yo ASD dd has just started getting pubic hair, but her 'behaviour' existed long before her pubic hair!

Articles like this www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-37221030 would always help me focus on my path. Despite everyone saying that that dd didn't have ASD, I knew she did.

I was judged as a neurotic mother, by school, by the medical profession. it is shit, I do hate it. But you know what, I was right. My parental instincts were right. Like your dd, my dd is well behaved at school. Thing is, she shows constant signs of low level anxiety, and we are starting the EHCP process and she is going to get a lot of help, despite being very good academically. That alone, makes diagnosis worth pursuing.

Sorry for you OP dealing with this alone.

Your dd's behaviour reminds me of aspects of my ds, who has a diagnosis of ASD. He responds very negatively to being told to do something he is unwilling to do and is inflexible. Constantly tells me I'm 'rude' if I tell him off for difficult behaviour, no matter how calmly I do it.

I find what works best is a lot of specific praise, cajoling, cuddles, lots of love and acknowledgement of his feelings, even if they are unreasonable. I don't listen to other people who encourage me to be harsh - it's like throwing petrol on a fire.

If I was in your shoes I would be begging/borrowing/raiding savings for a private assessment NOW. You need some answers and some help. Just knowing if there is a SN makes a huge difference to most parents ability to cope with challenging behaviour.

Thanks. I am trying to stay calm and go down that route but it can be so hard some times :( This morning she said to me, "when you have finished doing my hair and I am upset , then I need a cuddle, you didn't do that yesterday you just walked off " So even that is a routine that can't be broken. I brush hair, she screams and cries, even hypervenitalating on occasion and I can promise you I am as gentle as can be! then once she has calmed down she must have cuddles.

She won't leave the cat alone at all now. I know that she loves it but she won't put it down, chases it around, cuddles it to within an inch of its life once she has got hold of it. it makes getting ready in the morning very hard and all I can do is shut the cat away which just upsets her. She runs after it making stupid noises and getting more and more hyper.

She saw her father on Saturday but told me the night before that seeing him makes her feel nervous as he expects her to be perfect in every way and she isn't :( (they are obsessed with things like manners and are always on at her, which makes her nervous then she forgets).

They see her every few weeks ranging from 4-7 now and all they can do is go on at her. I do feel like make no contact at all might be better, but I can't bring myself to do that as she is also desperate to see him and it will just play right into his hands so he can tell everyone that I have stopped contact which absolves him of all blame and responsibility.

Your waking up through the night made me think of something I have seen on FB. It is putting a post it with the hour you want her to get up (for example 7) to cover the minutes on a digital clock. Then you can say when the 2 numbers match (7 from the clock and 7 from the post it) it's time to get up and start getting ready.

thanks for that idea. She has a clock in her room but the batteries have run out, so I will put some more in and see if it makes a difference. She loves reading so would hopefully just read and get up a bit later.

Still having trouble at school. She keeps forgetting to bring home her reading diary, then is kept in at break to read as her book is not signed as proof she has read! I have emailed the head teacher as I don't think it is acceptable. They know what she is like with her memory and concentration, they also know that she is an avid reader who reads every single day. They have my word that she reads every single day . It is completely wrong to punish her when she is actually reading every single day, just because she doesn't have a bit of paper that says so.

DD is becoming very unhappy with school and we are only 3 weeks in :(

CAHMS have refused the referral but do say they will attend the next TAC meeting at the school to see how they can be involved. But the school aren't having those any more! So I'm at a dead end.

Can I ask the doctor for a copy of the letter she wrote to CAMHS? As obviously their decision is based on her letter.