Help!! How the hell to get your 4yo to do as they are told??!!?

[OhWhatAPalaver]

I am almost at the end of my very long and stretched tether! My dd simply ignores any of my requests for her to do anything, it's infuriating and highly embarrassing in public. Eg, she wouldn't come and get dressed at swimming today, I had to try and run around after her and drag her back to the bench to get dressed! (not really running and not really dragging as I'm 35 weeks with dd2, which is making things much harder!)
She end up screaming, shouting, hitting and kicking and I was getting more and more annoyed with her, which didn't help.
She also screams very very loud indeed. I always think I look like a really terrible parent :(
I can't physically restrain her anymore either as she's very strong, her hits and kicks really hurt.
I felt terrible today as when she tried to run away again and I grabbed her wrist to try and stop her and she fell and hurt herself, which she screamed about very loudly for a long time. She then proceeded to hit and kick me several times while I tried to get her shoes on. Needless to say we left the changing room in a hurry. I feel really bad.
Part of the problem is my frustration, the fact that I could ask her to do something a hundred times and she would still ignore me really gets to me. She almost always does as her step-dad says straight away, although even he has been tested recently.
I don't know how I'm going to cope with a newborn and my 4yo behaving this badly, please help!!

[Believeitornot]

Try a bit of natural consequences. So if she doesn't get dress, so be it. Just leave and take her home. She will soon change her mind. Don't get cross with her, just explain the logic.

I also find that giving a bit of advance warning helps. So I would say to my four year old "after this story, I'm going to brush your teeth". We finish the story and she lets me brush her teeth. If I say "DD I'm going to brush your teeth now", then there's no chance it'll happen without a fight. Overall she feels like she has some control and I get her teeth brushed.

Also are you bigging up the whole"new baby" thing. I wouldn't. It'll make her unsettled. Don't talk up her being a big sister etc etc.

[cheekyfunkymonkey]

My DD was like this when I was pregnant with DS. It must be unsettling for them. Have you tried talking through the 'rules' of wherever you are going on the way? He ' we are going swimming now DD, what do you think the rules at swimming are?' then listen to her and add some of your own efforts no running off, get changed when Mummy asks etc... then just remind if not following. Failing that tell her you are asking her once, ask once then take her home and brave the tantrum...

[OhWhatAPalaver]

I feel for you Hobnobs, it is incredibly frustrating. I was talking to my DM about DD's behaviour yesterday and she mentioned ASD (again) so I have now started up a new thread about that, because in hindsight it wasn't just the not doing as i ask, there are a few other issues as well. I'm not convinced she's ASD though.... but my mum thinks she is 'a bit on the spectrum'!

[TeaandHobnobs]

OhWhat sympathy here from me - I'm having exactly the same problem with my just-4 DS. I broke down this evening because I utterly lost the plot about not being able to get him to do what I'd asked him to do.
He is not the best at listening and following instructions anyway, but he is worse recently - he's had quite a few disturbed nights over the past week (don't know why, but he has) and is just very very tired as half term approaches. I know he doesn't mean to drive me insane, but right now, I really don't want to have to deal with him in the morning! If I could run away right now, I would.

[WakeUpFast]

My eyes are all fuzzy from all the "smack" 😂😂

No smacking is needed if you show your children a bit of love and a good old "death stare" .

My ds is 4 and also asks A LOT of questions: where do bananas come from? Where do toys come from? Where do apples come from? 😒...school sorts them out! Just ride the wave OP.

[OhWhatAPalaver]

Noo I don't do smacking either. I don't think it would work anyway because she would indeed hit me back. Lead by example and all that.
I think the comments from lovefromus are just plain weird, mn troll perhaps?! When dd is stressed or worried she has night terror type things, which have been cropping up more lately. Any time she has something bad happen in her day it affects her sleep, so I know that despite all her challenging behaviour what she really needs is reassurance, as so many of you have said.
She's quite a bright spark and I think we sometimes forget that she's only 4, she asks questions constantly about everything, which in itself can be tiring!
I think it's been a bit of a surprise that this sort of behaviour has started happening again as she's been so good recently, but it has happened before, probably about a year ago. So it will pass, I'm sure!

[eyebrowsonfleek]

Holy shit LoveFromUs. Not feeling the love from your nickname.

Think about the classic thread - "I'm having a planned baby. Am I doing the right thing?" Very common to freak out despite planning a baby and easy to offer sympathy that wobbling isn't a bad thing
. A young child can not articulate themselves like that. They know Big Changes are coming soon courtesy of parents planning another baby/moving house and reaching the age of 4 so going to school.
If big changes were going to happen to me and I didn't know what or when I'd be on my back foot and defensive. That's exhausting emotionally and I might misbehave. It doesn't mean I'm destined to always be like that. It means I need lots of reassurance and for everyone to overlook my minor infractions for a while until things settle.
Awful things happen to children. (Not this thread's child) Bereavement, abuse, parents splitting.... If you see a child in public misbehaving perhaps you should open your mind to the possibility that they need understanding and not a smack.

[Youarenotkiddingme]

My immediate thought was starting school and how much that will be a thing for her ATM and DD2 due to be turning up.
Possibly as well because she has a good relationship with her step dad there may be an element of how that will be for her as its dd2 dad?

Glad counting down worked.

My advice would be don't chase, count down and when she's done what you asked as big cuddle and kiss with an I love you and carry on. Reassurance is probably what she needs most right now.

[mactavish]

I really recommend the book 'Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline' by Bailey.
You don't need to read all the book, just dip in and out and every page is full of aha realisations as well as great practical hands-on advice.

Your dd is doing everything she should be at her age by testing you in this way, as frustrating as that is for you right now, I hope that gives you some small comfort!

[Gowgirl]

To smack or not to smack therein lies the bun fight.......

More of a pick my battles kinda girl myself!

[Gowgirl]

Right there with you *strawberry
*

[strawberrybubblegum]

This thread has just got utterly surreal

[WellErrr]

I kind of do now. It's very onomatopoeic.

[WellErrr]

You don't?

[LoveFromUs]

Yes she hits him, I don't like the word smack

[InsaneDame]

I've read the word smack so many times now it's lost all meaning

[WellErrr]

Does she smack him? Just to be sure...

[LoveFromUs]

Even if I couldn't control my children I wouldn't smack them, that would just ready them that it is ok to smack people when they've done wrong, I have a friend who smacks her son and he smacks her right back.

[OhtoblazeswithElvira]

Anybody ever wondered where all the horrid MILs you can read about on MN come from? Read Lovefromus's posts to understand.

[Girliefriendlikesflowers]

In the instances you gave I wouldn't be chasing or grabbing her, keep it really simple either she comes and gets dressed nicely or their is no treat/ t.v/storytime later and then follow it through. I would also set the expectation before you go swimming i.e. 'when you get out of the pool I know you will get dressed really nicely and then we can feed the ducks/ have a small treat/ play a game etc.

My dd has had her moments but generally this approach has worked.

[LogicalThinking]

People need to stop making excuses for badly behaved children, the more you make excuses the more they are going to continue with their unacceptable behaviour.
I am glad you have perfect children. I am sure they will grow into well-rounded Stepford children individuals.
I'm going to take a wild guess that you don't have any training at all in child development because you will never find a single professional who would agree with you

[NapQueen]

Imo the only people who smack their children are ones who cannot control them. That is not to say that everyone who struggles to control their dcs smacks them. The smackers are incapable of controlling their kids any other way so revert to violence.

And I use control to mean "exert an appropriate amount of parenting when their kids misbehave" rather than control in a dictatorship fashion.

[LoveFromUs]

SaveSomeSpendSome

I do not control my children and I have never ever smacked them and I never would.

[SaveSomeSpendSome]

Lovefromus

Can i ask, for you to control your children so they do as they are told to perfection, do you smack them?

[NapQueen]

OP has she always done this? Or is it a new thing?

My dd behaves, in the main, extremely well when we are out and about, however part of this is due to the fact that dh and I have given her expectations and boundaries from a very young age.

DS is much more willful, however he again is given clear boundaries and even from about 18mo was expected to say "thank you or ta" and we didn't pander to his tantrums.

It's a long game. Being heavily pregnant with a small child is hell on earth though so I can see why it's so difficult at the moment.