Feeling hurt...

[LiamsMum]

I would really appreciate some feedback on this. My son sees his grandparents quite often and he loves to go out with them or visit them at their house (he's almost 20 months). My dad in particular ADORES him, and both my parents give him their undivided attention whenever he's with them. My problem is that a few times now when I have gone to pick him up from their place, he doesn't want to leave - he takes one look at me (when I arrive) and starts to whine and clings on to one of his grandparents. The worst time was a couple of weeks ago when my parents were babysitting him at my house. When I came home, I walked towards him (with a big smile) and said "hello darling!! how are you?" As soon as he saw me, he started to cry and ran after my mother and hung on to her leg... as if to say, 'get lost'!!! I found it so hurtful. It was almost like he knew that once I came home, his grandparents would leave and he didn't want that to happen. Either that or he just didn't want me around!! His reaction was really bad - he started to sob when my parents walked towards the door, and in the end I just had to tell them to leave because he was getting worse. It sounds awful but I felt really angry towards my son for a while for having that reaction towards me. We normally get on fine when it's just him and I at home together. I'm all for kids being able to see their grandparents and I'm glad he has a relationship with them, but I guess I'm starting to feel a bit threatened by it. My husband says if it continues to be a problem, I should cut down the amount of time he sees them. My question is, is this behaviour common? I just want to know whether it's normal for children to react this way or whether there might be another problem. Thanks...

[Rhubarb]

Don't worry, it's very common! My dh's parents live on a farm and his mum picks up my dd once a week to take her there. Whenever she comes to collect my dd, it's as if she cannot get away from me quick enough! She goes for her coat, heads for the door and starts to wave goodbye! When my dh picks her up later, he says that she completely ignores him and sobs as he puts her in the car to come home. However once home she is fine.

I don't worry about it. Grandparents spoil them and so they have more fun there than they do at home, so they are bound to want to stay there. I just think how wonderful it is that she loves them so much so that it isn't a problem when they babysit. Just think how awful it would be if your son cried everytime you left him with your parents, wouldn't you feel worse then?

Don't cut down on the amount of time your son sees his grandparents, they obviously get a lot of joy from him and vice versa. He will gradually get better, honestly. It's all perfectly normal and I guess it prepares us for when they grow up into moody teenagers!

[tigermoth]

Liamsmum, it seems so unfair, doesn't it? Afer all the nappy changing and wakeful nights that you endure, the grandparents visit and your son thinks they're the business. IMO, this is common behaviour. My sons have favoured different adults in their lives at different times for different things. At the very least, your parents are a novelty. Their voices, looks and mannerisms may be fascinating to him.

The crying when time to change carers situation is also familiar to me. My sons as young toddlers both went through a phase of crying when a childminder or babysitter came to take them. As soon as I was away, the crying stopped and they were fine again. I have heard that the reverse is common too - parents collecting toddlers from nursery are confronted with a tearful tot. It seems to be a phase they go through.

Are your parents lavishing your son with attention, presents or sweets? I have to say that my sons at this age 'loved' those who gave them nice things to eat or play with. They cottoned on very fast.

It might be a good idea to ask your parents exacty what treats they will be providing, if you don't do this already. If they seem to be spoiling him, could you ask them to limit this? Also, if you have certain ways of treating your son when he's been naughty, could you ask your parents to do the same? In that way, your son will learn that they can be as firm as you.

HTH

[Dixie]

I agree with what the others have said, my ds is a bit like this too with my parents so I would seem to be pretty normal by the sounds of it. The only comment I would like to add is could the departure of the grandparents not be so immediate after your arrival? Maybe your son sees your arrival as the trigger that sends them away? Maybe you could extend it a bit so that all of you are together for a while playing, chatting etc before you go your seperate ways?

When My parents babysit (mostly on overnighter's) when me & dh go to collect, we stay for Sunday Lunch or all go of out to the park for a stoll etc together? It certainly helps

[Copper]

And maybe just kind of sidle in and be there instead of making a big thing about being back home? Otherwise you are giving him a big stage to perform on

[SueDonim]

Although it's upsetting, I don't think it is anything to worry about, as everyone else has said. In fact, it is a good sign that your son is able to form relationships with people and shows that he's developing a sense of awareness of other people. I'm sure in the end he will benefit from having lots of caring family in his life.

[tufty]

Here here to all thats been said! its so hard isn't it .. you want to be loved the most and the most obviously and its like a big rejection even though you know it isn't really.( well that's how I see it..) I think the change in dynamics of relationships with our parents when a child arrives is incredibly powerful...
Maybe it'd help if you could spend time all together on separate occasions from the ones where your parents are the caregivers? It might balance things a little...
good luck..xxx

[jasper]

Liamsmum, I can only agree with what everyone else has said. My son is exactly the same with both sets of Grandparents. I found it mildly hurtful at first ( more so with mil than with my own mum!) but realise it is very common and am glad he gets on so well with them and that they love him so much.
There have been lots of threads on mumsnet about how awful it is when family members DON'T seem to care or take an interest so really we are the lucky ones.

[tiktok]

Aw, I can understand and relate to this! But it is wonderful your ds has a great relationship - and remember a toddler has no way of expressing himself in words, but reacts quickly to the surface feelings by crying...so just as if you were at a great party and had to leave to catch the last bus, you'd be regretful without actually crying, he expresses his regret by weeping. The wonderful thing is that this weeping does not mean a huge emotional upset, just a fleeting case of disappointment. No child can have too much love in his life, and when we leave people we love, we are a bit sad. When he gets older and realises properly he will see these loved people next week or whenever, and understands time, he will be more stoical and less weepy. It is sweet and lovely that he can express himself so acutely, and that he can get over it so quickly. In answer to your Q, yes, it's common, no, it's not a problem : )

[LiamsMum]

Hi
Thank you all for your messages. Dixie I forgot to mention that a lot of the time I do stay and have a coffee or something with my parents before I take ds home - usually about half an hour or so, I guess. The time when he reacted badly about them leaving my house, we had already been sitting around the table chatting and drinking coffee for about 40 minutes, and he was playing quietly by himself in the corner!! It was when they got up to leave, that he started to really act up. Anyway it seems that this is quite normal, but I suppose it gets to me because he never seems to mind when dh or I leave him - my mum said to me once when he was a baby "wait until you start leaving him somewhere, he'll cry and won't want you to go". Well that's never happened!! He clings on to me if there's strangers around sometimes, but that's about it. I think the main thing is that his grandparents do spoil him a bit and basically let him do what he wants - maybe I can have a talk to them about this. Thank you all for your help.

[JoeR]

Hiya LiamsMum,

Know exactly how you feel ! My four year old manitains that Nana and Pappas home is much 'more
nicer' than hers. I agree with TikTok - they have a much more immediate way of dealing with surfacing emotions - floods of tears at the creche door and as soon as you are out the gate 'Hey, what is there to play with in here anyway? Any bikkies going? Who is in this morning?....'
I was about to suggest what you already do - use the time to sit down with a cup of tea. I always do and then let them find out that I'm back. And its also great for them to have such an extended family where they can feel safe, loved and valued.
Be grateful for that reassurance.
Anyway, in sixteen years time they won't WANT to be going near the GP's house for Sunday lunch and that's a whole other issue......

[Lindy]

Just absolutely agree with everything stated - but I really don't worry about it as I know he gets undivided attention when grandparents are around and of course when it's just him & me I am more often than not trying to do something else as well as play with him - two doting adults are just wonderful!!

But, as others have said, it is a great benefit, last weekend we were able to go away and have a lovely break, knowing he was in very safe hands and enjoying himself.

I grew up to be very close to my grandparents (my mum was a single parent until she met my step-father) and I am sure I was the same - I lived with my grandparents 3 days a week whilst Mum worked & was probably rather spoilt - but I treasure my relationship with my grandparents very much (sadly both now dead).

My mum telephoned today & DS was crying in the background - her comment was: 'he never cried when we looked after him last week' !! I don't worry about, I am just happy he can be close to them (especially as we don't see them often as we are 450 miles apart) as others have said, families can be so difficult, treasure the good times.

[Sarenka]

Liamsmum, and everyone else - I know that feeling so well. My daughter is 4, so she can express herself in words - and it's not much of an improvement! She yells "No! Go away!" when I turn up to pick her up from her grandparents. I have become expert at sidling in to the kitchen and waiting until she comes to me, but all the time I'm sitting there being mature and understanding that the transition is difficult for her etc I'm feeling horrible inside!
There is definately a problem with her Granny spoiling her. When i tried to talk to her yesterday about Nasim having temper tantrums recently when things don't go "her way" I got the response "she's such a good girl when she's HERE". Hmmm! I wonder why that is?!!
so nice to know I'm not the only one!

[alexsmum]

Just noticed this thread and wanted to include an observation about childrens behaviour when with their grandparents.I have noticed this with my nephews and niece and my ds.They really are better behaved with them!!!!! My mum looks after my niece regularly and quite often I'm there with ds and she is so good and well behaved.Mum doesn't spoil her , if she does do something naughty she gets told off etc but 99% of the time she's great.As soon as her parents pick her up she kicks off.They despair and as mentioned above think she behaves well because she's being spoilt, but its not that.I really think the bad behaviour when they arrive is an attention grabbing thing.My nephews used to do it too, be fine and then start fighting when their parents appeared. As for ds he's better behaved for both sets of grandparents than he is for us.They're happy to devote all their attention to playing etc and don't have to do all their jobs/keep the house going or whatever at the same time.

[SueDonim]

Another reason children behave better for grandparents is that they realise granny/grandad can just ship them back off home if they're naughty, i.e. it's a privilege. Children use bad behaviour as a way of testing parents, checking out boundaries and making sure that no matter how badly behaved they are, you still love them and won't send them to the dog's home, great as the temptation is at times!

[bunny2]

Thought I'd see if anyone else is going through this right now. I have just picked up ds after he spent two days with my parents (to be a regular weekly arrangemet now I am working pt). He howled when I put him in the car, screaming that he didnt want to go. To make matters worse my dad stood there shaking his head and saying "Ah.. poor thing .." like I am going to treat ds badly or something. It is a horrible feeling so if anyone else is facing the same 'rejection' I'd like to hear and maybe we can console each other.

[bunny2]

Just spotted the "Are mothers so important" thread. Seems v. similar so I'll move over there.

[Nutjob]

My dd hurt my feelings today too. We went to our weekly toddler group with my neighbour and her little girl, and my dd insisted on my neighbour holding her hand and helping her on and off things, whenever I tried to hold her hand she just screamed 'Not you', pulled her hand away and tried to run away. I felt extremely unloved, so I know just how you feel!!

[bossykate]

i went on a business trip last week, so obviously didn't see anything of ds during that time. got back late last friday after he had gone to bed. all day saturday it was "daddy, daddy, daddy..." i felt like a worm! mega working mother guilt. don't have any choice about working so what to do? happy to report that after 24 hours it was normal service resumed... but still... it really hurt to the extent that i had to ask myself who was the adult...

so sympathies, but am consoling myself that it is probably perfectly normal.

[LiamsMum]

Bunny2, how old is your ds? I only ask because things are much better now than they were back in March, when I posted about ds. He's now almost 2 1/2 and I find that it's much easier making the transition between me and my parents now - he still occasionally whimpers a bit when he has to leave his Poppy (grandfather), but he's happy to come home with me and he's fine with me when I come back home after being out. Perhaps it's that I can communicate better with him now, or maybe he's just reached an age where he knows that he will see his grandparents again and that I'm not "taking him away" from them. But I know how it feels, believe me, and I also used to get the same reaction from my parents when my son started to cry - they would also shake their heads as though I must be mistreating him or something!!! I'm so glad it's not an issue any more. Best of luck.

[parent]

Gone back to work. Husband looking after kids. My two year old boy now seems fonder of dad than me. I find it upsetting as I was very close to him. It was always me he came running to, me he'd give lots of hugs and kisses. Now it's my husband that gets my sons attention and affection.

[Zoe]

Currently dh is not working and I am which has meant a kind of role reversal - he is taking and picking up from nursery, giving breakfast etc, and by a bizarre twist of fate I have not been able to be around on my normal days off (interview for teacher training, hospital appointment that took all day etc) since dh has been off, and as a result I feel a bit ostracised by them - and even when I am there, if there are two of us, I feel left out. I am actually finding myself looking forward to when daddy is back at work, and that's a phrase I never thought I'd hear myself say. Basically, I'm jealous (and a bottle of wine down, so ignore me...)

[bunny2]

Glad Im not the only one! Ds woke up this morning and his first words were "want to see Nana and Grandad" I almost feel like apologising to him that he has me instead of my mother for his parent. I shrugged it off with a smile but it is not always so easy, once I tearfully suggested to dh that my parents could adopt our son to ensure his happiness. This suggestion did not go down well at all. The thing that really gets me is my mother's poorly concealed glee - "he always has a hug for nana" etc etc. Grrrr........!!