Inadequate mother seeks help

[Lawlass]

Desperately looking for someone out there who might be able to tell me what I am doing wrong!

Both my children (3year old ds and 2 yr dd) have a marked preference for their dad at times. They will pointedly ignore me and go to my husband. Sometimes if I offer dd a hug she will say "no, mummy, no, want daddy".

I have no idea why this has happened. Ds has always preferred dad but dd seemed to prefer me until about 6 months ago when she suddenly changed allegiance.

I find it heartbreaking when they reject the affection that I want to offer them and am finding it difficult to cope with.

Any ideas greatfully received.

[kittywits]

I have a similar thing going on with my kids, not with their dad but my mum. They think the sun shines out of her *. She lives near us so they see her quite often. She spoils them, gives them treats etc. It drives me crazy, but I know it is because i am at the coal face and have to do the nasty jobs and they see her as someone who always does nice things.

[youknowwhat]

Lawlass, when things are getting too much for me, I just get out of the room, like giving myself some time out.
When your ds is pushing you and you can see it, why not going out of the room before he has managed to wind you up and coming back a bit later on when he has stopped ?
Also, if you think that he is calling for his dad just to get some reaction, then he might be looking for some attention. What about trying to give him some one to one time at the end of the day ?
It is hard but as a lt of pople before have said, I can promise you that they don't reject you!!

[Lawlass]

Ahh wrinklytum and lemonaid, it helps to know that I'm not the only one this is happening too. Spot on Canadianmum - I do feel rejected by them and it is breaking my heart. Last night I found myself at the point of saying "if you don't want me then I don't want you either". Completely wrong I know, but just for a while it was how I felt.

Same as with you Lemonaid, they're absolutely fine with me when dh is not around and are both very loving and affectionate - but the minute he is there its awful. I think it is now made worse, because ds knows if he pushes it far enough he will get a reaction out of me (wrong I know, but sometimes its overwhelming and I can't help it). Also not helped as dd (who is just 15 mnths younger than ds) copies everything he does.

Thanks all for listening and offering support, it really helps!! Not the kind of thing you can discuss with family and freinds.

[wrinklytum]

Ha I can relate to this!!DS wants Daddy when the going gets at all tough i.e Mummy tells him off or disciplines him !!! It is awful as you feel like the worst parent ever.The other day ds screamed "I want Daddddddyyyyyy" in that high pitched whinging tone all the way down the street because I hadnt allowed him any chocolate.(Daddy would have of course).He had tears pouring down his face and elicited murmurs of sympathy from passers by who probably thought I was the devil incarnate for ignoring him.It was indeed an oscar winning performance.It lasted for a good fifteen minutes.This daddy phase has lasted a good couple of months.Having said this if he falls over or hurts himself it is always "MUMMMMYYYY" and im sure your little ones are the same....at the end of the day as a mum youre there 24/7 with the kids.Bet you they would be lost without you you are certainly not a crap mum you sound like a lovely one!!!!

[lemonaid]

DS (18 months) is like this. If DH isn't around then everything's fine, but when he is here then it's "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy" all the way. And God forbid that DH should leave the room (or still worse the house) and leave DS with me...

I am following the "it's just a stage" mantra, but it sounds as though it may be a long one. I think in our case it's partly that DH is stronger and less paranoid so does fun things like carrying DS on his shoulders, taking him on the back of his bicycle, dangling him upside down and so forth.

[WideWebWitch]

Hi Lawlass, wise words from Prof Gram. I think you've got 2 children fairly close in age and they're competing slightly maybe plus you're being the calm consistent one so they're looking to you. He gets to be the fun one and I don't think that's necesarily fair really - could you have a chat about what you both think about rules etc and agree a strategy? children know when they're dividing you imo and delight in doing it (yours are abit young, not prob doing this yet though) so imo you need to try to be consistent together.

They're not rejecting you though, I'm sure of that. Welcome to mn.

[canadianmum]

lawlass, I have 3.5 yr old twin boys. I am a SAHM. Last year we went on a 10 night holiday and one of my sons barely spoke to me. DH had to do EVERYTHING for him, I don't think I touched him on the whole trip. It was very depressing for me. His brother was slightly better with me but still very keen on his Dad. This year we went away and it was SO much better, they were much more fair and reasonable in their affections. I really think this was an age-related phase.

It is incredibly difficult to be rejected by your children, obviously, but please do see it just as a phase. When they reject you just ignore it and pretend like it's nothing. When they are alone with you make an even bigger effort to praise them and give them affection. With your 3 year old you could even sit down and have a chat with him (depending on his personality) and tell him you feel a bit sad and would like a cuddle sometimes when Daddy is around.

They DO love you and you will probably look back on this in 1 or 2 years time and wonder why it worried you so much. By then you will have a WHOLE new worry .

[dreamyjess]

havent been here before but am already really comforted by what i've read. this is great...finally real people telling it how it really is !!! my ds is 11 months so at least i know ths preference thing is coming up and maybe will feel better knowing all kids seem to go through it. i bet you are all lush mums, trying your best ... its sooooooooo not what it looks like from the outside is it, this parent lark ? I've sooooooo struggled from the beginning.

[Lawlass]

Very bad weekend with them - yesterday I could have been invisible. Feeling very depressed today and actually relieved to be in work.

Know it is probably just a phase, but is proving to be a very difficult one to live with and just smile through.

Thanks for listening - whinging in public is very therapuetic!!

[Quannoi]

I really sympathise with how low it must make you feel - who knew motherhood would turn us into self-doubting guilt-ridden neurotics! I used to consider myself quite normal until I became a mother, and was suddenly the most useless article on the face of the Earth!

I think we beat ourselves up too easily, and our LO's can make us feel terrible pain or guilt with just a few words. I haven't been this vulnerable to a person since the first time I fell in love with a charming cad and let him walk all over me. Dumped the cad and became a tower of strength, but my son seems to have inadvertently found that same achilles heel in me!

I try to cheer myself up by remembering that children seem to have a very forgiving nature, and even if I was as bad as I sometimes paint myself, he will still love and need me. My bro actually was a lousy father, but his son adored him all the same.

In short - I'd bet good money that you're a very loved and competent mother.

[ProfessorGrammaticus]

Lunchtime for the legal peeps.

Lawlass I think you are letting yourself read too much into this - we all feel guilty about our parenting at times. Focus on what you do well for them. It sounds as though you are good at setting boundaries and at multi-tasking, just from what you have posted on here.

Maybe you need to have a chat with your DH about singing from the same hymn sheet, discipline-wise? Then you won't feel like the bad cop all the time?

Youknowwhat's strategies have worked for us too.

Lord knows no one's parenting is perfect.

[MiloMummy]

Totally sympathise Lawlass. And I also think you may be onto something with the disciplining thing too. I always feel like the one who says no in our house. My DS is 15 months and I'm sure he likes his Daddy best. In fact one of the reasons I'm still BFing is that I half think that if I stop he won't want me for anything at all!

I'm sure it'll pass - we just have to tough it out! It is soooo hard to not take it as a personal rejection though, isn't it?

[fistfullofnappies]

My doctor once told me that her dd was the same as a small child.
My son regularly tells me that he prefers daddy, if this is any consolation to you.
I comfort myself that when they are grown up, they will appreciate the parent who put a roof over their heads. Completely sympathise with how you must feel.

[Lawlass]

No what you mean nogoes - I used to try and laugh it off but just can't do it any more. At times just feel like I want to run away from them all as it seeks like they don't want me there (not entirely rational I know).

Sometimes when I'm out with them and DH I feel really embarassed. We were at a kiddies party recently and DH went out of the room and dd started to wail like a banshee - some helpful person said how odd - they had never seen such a strong attachment to daddy. Now I feel like everyone is judging my parenting (which admittedly is not perfect).

Never thought it would be like this.

[nogoes]

Before I just used to think it was one of those things and I would make a joke with ds (he is 2 btw) about it. But now I am finding it is making me feel really sad especially as my MIL has noticed and is rubbing her hands with glee.

I know that the reason ds behaves this way is because I am the one who disciplines him more which I have to be because I am with him all day. When dh is home he can give him his undivided attention whereas I have to cook etc and this is when the tantrums occur.

It is difficult, I hope it will pass as I am not sure what to about it.

[blueshoes]

I am going through the same experience with my dd 2.10. It comes and goes in phases. With new baby about to arrive, she has got rather clingy with me (when alone with me) and with daddy (when he comes back from work).

I work pt so she sees me more than dh who works ft.

It's sad, but I don't take it personally. I think all she is saying is she wants her daddy's attention when he is there, not so much she does not want my attention IYKWIM. She thinks that if I take her, she would lose her daddy fix. Also, she gets a bit jealous if I talk to dh when she is around. Because her language is not developed enough to join in, she thinks she is being ignored and starts to act up.

She is sweet, really. Just having to grapple with complex emotions.

[Lawlass]

Sounds like the way mine act - how do you deal with it nogoes?

[nogoes]

My ds definitely has a preference for his dad, it has now got to the point where he calls out for him in the night and pushes me away when I go to him.

[Lawlass]

Thanks Prof.G - am indeed and at the moment find that it is much easier than being a parent!!

[ProfessorGrammaticus]

PS are you a lawyer? We both are!

[ProfessorGrammaticus]

My DS2 is like this - the preference is usually for me (not SAHM but work P/T so around more). It is noticeable that when DH has had the boys for a day at the weekend or whenever, the tendency fades and DS2 no longer (eg) demands me for bedtime story. DH is very good with the boys, slightly stricter with DS2 than I am. We have always thought it was just one of those things, IYSWIM.

But don't worry - it's very common and no reflection on you (or my DH!)

[Lawlass]

Just re-reading this - do you think that children can be a bit off with the parent who disciplines them most?

This would deffinately be me in our house - dh says to me sometimes have you seen what ds has just done, are you going to let him get away with that and even when I point out to him that he is just as capable of taking action as I, he doesn't really get the point. Problem is dh has a bit of a temper (doesn't hit kids or anything, just shouts), so I kind of think its easier if I try and deal with things calmly. Never really considered that this could have an effect on my relationship with them.

Gosh this parenting stuff is hard!!

[youknowwhat]

DS1 went through a similar stage but the other way around. 'No, not daddy, mummy!'. DH used to feel rejected and really wasn't happy about it.
Several things about it :
1- Children are NOT rejecting the entire person when they are saying that. It's more of a' AT THE MOMENT, I would prefer mummy/daddy'. So don't worry, they are not rejecting you.
2- It is just a phase - as they have not rejected you as a whole - it will pass. A few month on, DS1 is very happy to go take his bath with his dad...
3- Try to join them mid way. Eg : When DS1 didn't want to go to bed with DH, I have been going with them, all 3 of us together up to the bathroom. Once in the bath, DH was taking over complitely and everyone was happy.
4- Try to see if something might be bothering them at the moment. Is your DH away a bit more at the moment or can something else have happen recently that could have upset them ? They might be trying to say someting is wrong (but not your parenting)
5- At anyway, they can also just be trying boundaries, see what they can actually ask for and what kind of reaction they are getting. In this case, just ignore!

[Lawlass]

Wow - many thanks all of you - has made me feel better!

I work 3 days a week and husband gets them up and takes them to nursery (I leave at 5.00am), so have wondered if that is part of problem - they feel I have abandoned them. But what can you do, I have to work.

Also was a bit down when son was born and did not bond with him as well as I might. Think that maybe started his preference for his dad and nothing I have been able to do since has made up for it.

I think what makes it harder is that I started with an image of what it was going to be like as a mother - have a great relationship with my children and the reality is so much different.

Thanks all for listening - these are things that I have wanted to be able to say to someone for ages and it is great to be able to.

[bubblepop]

oh lawlass, can't offer any soloution but my older two were the same(both boys now aged 9 and 6).when they were toddlers they did'nt want to know me when dh was around it was awful! as they've got older things are now more on an even keel and i know longer feel that daddy is the favourite! my toddler is starting to go a bit like that now, she's 2yrs, so im beginning to think its an age related stage and im not so wounded this time. the youngest is still a baby yet and she's only got eyes for me so im making the most of it cos i know that when she hits about 1 yr its all gonna change!