2 Year old controlling parents

[SnowDaze]

Does anyone have any tips on how to handle a toddler who is trying to control which parent tends to them?
We have a DC who is a mostly pretty well behaved. Usual toddler tantrums etc but is responding very well to the star chart and is for the most part pretty even tempered.
However in the past 6 months is swinging wildly between either myself or DH as favorite. Once a favorite has been selected then DC will not allow the other parent to feed, dress, change, settle etc them. DC can get extremely irate if the non-favorite tries to get involved. This will go on for a couple of weeks before the favorite switches and it is the other parent who is 'allowed' to do everything.
We know its all about control, when only one parent is there DC is no problem at all. We are trying not to give into this but if there are any tips or pointers we'd really appreciate it. Or is this just another one of those wonderful 'phases'?

[sleepcrisis]

whyno very sensible advice thank you. I have always used the mantra pick your battles.

We had so many struggles with sleep and bedtimes, and the memories of sitting in a dark room for hours on end are so recent, that bedtime is something that makes me panic. The slight whisper of things getting difficult again and I just get all upset. It's only since around 22 months that he has self settled at bedtime and with anyone putting him down. So I only had a month or so of respite before this latest battle!

[RubyrooUK]

And remember that one day, you will no longer be your DS' number one. And that phase lasts much longer. My mum is still mourning that my brother and I don't want to be read stories each night by her and we are in our thirties.

[whyno]

We had this a couple if months ago (around 18 months). We just let him choose who he wanted but if he was ever pushy about it the 'chosen' parent would say 'no, we're nice to mummy/daddy, lets cuddle her' or similar. I did feel a bit upset at the time when he was choosing DH a lot but just let it go. He grew out of it after a few weeks.

I say pick your battles! There's so much you can't give in to anyway so if they want to control one aspect for a while let them. The way I see it my DS can't control anything poor mite. Every time I put him in the car he has no idea if he'll be sitting there for 2 mins or 2 hours. So at this age they're probably just experimenting and the less of a big deal you make the better. Just my opinion though.

[sleepcrisis]

Rubyroo this is exaclty the kinds of parenting we are about - and how I imagine it should be! but it just didn't work today. DS is clearly more stubborn than I am!

Distraction works occasionally here with various other things but Daddy doesn't seem to be able to manage it. I really don't want this to end up as a huge issue with DS and DH despite DH being relatively calm about the whole thing - until tonight that is!

Oh and no wine for me I'm afraid, not for another 8 weeks at least!

[RubyrooUK]

Sorry, cross posted with you, SleepCrisis. It took ages to write my post!

Treat it as a phase. It IS a phase and is nothing against your DH. Maybe he senses that something is changing (my DS was incredibly aware of my pregnancy even though he never mentioned it...I don't think he understood it but he knew something was "up"). Or maybe it is just a mad moment.

It is very hard though.

[sleepcrisis]

he's just turned 2. So sweet and good natured in every other way. Just very mummy mummy mummy right now, unless a grand parent is around.

We're in the middle of potty training right now (going v well) but this has been going on for much longer than that. Like I said, he's fine if I'm just not around.

Have googled and everything just says ignore and say calmly 'no, mummy's busy.' but that doesn't work in this household.

He is an only child so far and yes I suppose I find it hard to say no to him sometimes. He is quite bossy. But in serious matters eg tooth brushing, holding hands on pavements etc I can be very firm.

[JacqueslePeacock]

I would go to him, yes. Have a large glass of wine after and remember if wont last forever.

[RubyrooUK]

Personally SleepCrisis, if my DS gets into a total state, I would go to him (unless you can't for some reason). I would calm him down and then chat to him and say in a light tone "what was that about? Poor daddy must have sore ears!", make him laugh and get past it.

The distraction techniques I mentioned that works for my DS upthread don't work if he is totally hysterical and miserable. They aim to avoid that point. (Obviously we do still have hysterical moments anyway!)

And I tend to find things work best when no-one is stressed by them. So after I had DS2 and DS1 was really insistent about me putting him to bed for a while, we went with it. I put him to bed because it mattered to him and that mattered to me. But on a night a while later when he was having fun with his dad upstairs, DH said "oh I will do your stories tonight". DS started to whine about wanting mummy and then DH distracted him with "oh hold on, is this a good Mr Men book? Fancy me reading it?"

That was at a point where there was no major reason DS wanted things done a certain way and he has slipped back into either of us doing bedtime now as a result. It has just stopped being an issue again.

I said before that my way is not really hardcore. I am very stubborn, as is DH. So is DS . I find more hardcore methods lead us all to clash and then DS gets more stubborn. I don't think my way makes my particular child more dictatorial - when we get serious or cross about things, he listens because we are quite relaxed in general.

(Sorry if this is sod all help. All children are different and my way wouldn't suit lots of parents.)

[SwishSwoshSwoosh]

Ok, I would say take some deep breaths. So hard because you're dreading the morning sickness etc. but this is just a phase, it will pass.

He hasn't won, I promise, he just really wanted or needed you for some reason and you responded. You can do anything different any time you choose.

Don't stress tonight but do lots of googling and work out a plan.

How old is he?

[sleepcrisis]

So where do we go from here? Do I just take over bed time again and try again in a few weeks when this horrible evening is forgotton? Because I don't want him to think he's 'won' and that all he has to do is scream like that for me to come and take over. I don't mind him choosing someone to do bedtime eery night if it wasn't always me - he would never choose DH. Its like he's just decided over night he hates him and doesn't want him to do anything! when he walks in from work DS crawls over to me and climbs on my lap as if daddy is going to take him away from me. I have no idea why - DH is devoted to him. Its so sad :(

[sleepcrisis]

Sorry for hijacking OP. Just feeling a bit desperate about this tonight. I did go in the end, but sat in the room away from them while daddy did the stories.

I feel really terrible about this. He was hysterical, red and snotty and desperate. I have no idea why he won't let daddy do bedtime and there is no real reason why i can't do it other than I feel very sick and also terrified that he'll never get over it. Last week while I was away for the day he was totally fine. And DH used to do bedtime about 3 times a week until this resistance started about a month ago.

I just found out I'm pregnant again but dreading the next 10 weeks of morning sickness being unable to delegate bed time. Not to mention when number 2 comes along...

[JacqueslePeacock]

We tend to let the parent he wants do it, unless its massively inconvenient. It's just a phase and won't last forever. I certainly wouldn't let him get that distressed if the wanted parent was there and able to take over. What is the point?

[SwishSwoshSwoosh]

If it were me i would think about why you don't want to go to him. If you're genuinely busy then don't, but if you could go, why not. It always felt to me if you want kids who are not stubborn, try not to model stubbornness yourself iyswim.

I think if you want to go to him, if you think it is more upset than it is worth, then it is fine to go.

[sleepcrisis]

I honestly think he thinks I have totally abandoned him :(

[sleepcrisis]

I'm not convinced by the approach of just let them get on with it. DS is currently upstairs screaming like I haven't heard him cry before because I am not putting him to bed :( All i can hear is 'mummy mummy mummy' at the top of his lungs, pleading for me, he has refused his bath and sounds like he is retching because he is so upset. I don't think he's cried like this since I attempted CC at a year and gave up promptly!

Do do we really just carry on? Its been about 20 mins now so I guess we can't give in at this stage :(

[SwishSwoshSwoosh]

I'm not misrepresenting your tone, I'm telling you how it comes across.

When you say 'I have never had that sort of household', whatever your intention, it sounds like you are comparing types of household. You have no knowledge of any other type of household anyway, whatever 'that sort' of household is that you are imagining in your head.

I can sense it is a waste of time but I stand by my comments.

[exoticfruits]

Sorry- I didn't think it posted!

[exoticfruits]

I was actually replying to OP who, before you started posting SwishSwash, said she found it particularly helpful- which was why I continued. Had she not found me helpful, or had she found me patronising, I would have stopped.
I am pleased that she has since defended me because you insist on putting words in my mouth that I never said!
I also think that you are misrepresenting my tone- I speak as a parent who has been there and done it. Certain things suit you as a parent. If my suggestions don't suit OP she has no need to try them. Equally I would never say star charts are rubbish - some parents like them and they work with some children.
Like all parenting- listen to advice, take what you might find helpful and ditch the rest. Mine are mere suggestions- the 'tone' is the way you read it.

[exoticfruits]

I was actually replying to OP who, before you started posting SwishSwash, said she found it particularly helpful- which was why I continued. Had she not found me helpful, or had she found me patronising, I would have stopped.
I am pleased that she has since defended me because you insist on putting words in my mouth that I never said!
I also think that you are misrepresenting my tone- I speak as a parent who has been there and done it. Certain things suit you as a parent. If my suggestions don't suit OP she has no need to try them. Equally I would never say star charts are rubbish - some parents like them and they work with some children.
Like all parenting- listen to advice, take what you might find helpful and ditch the rest. Mine are mere suggestions- the 'tone' is the way you read it.

[Parmarella]

Big advice for dealing with tots is :

• tell them what is happening, don't ask, tell ( mummy is getting you dressed now)
  
• don't give so many choices
  

Most toddlers will try to control their parents, they are mini dictators ;)

[SwishSwoshSwoosh]

Sorry but I disagree with you SnowDaze, I am not going back to quote, but I find the overall tone as I said.

[SnowDaze]

I think that is very unfair SwishSwoshSwoosh

I don't know if you are basing your last post on something other than this thread but based on this thread I don't agree at all.

Exotic accepted that star charts have worked for me even though it might not be the approach she advocated initially.

Also that's twice you've misrepresented what Exotic has said, whether unintentionally or not.
Exotic never suggested blanked 'no choice'
Exotic also never implied that parents are ditching phone calls to appease little emperors if not doing it her way.

I've found all the advice and suggestions and similar stories really helpful and I appreciate anyone who takes time to respond.

No star for SwishSwoshSwoosh today

[SwishSwoshSwoosh]

Exotic - every time you post you sort of imply it is either your way or parents are ditching important phone calls to appease their 'little emperors'. You have really patronising posting style.

You also imply that it is only people with one child who can give their kids choices. Maybe if you're a crap multi tasker that is true for you.

Sorry op, that is a total hijack, but I just find this condescending tone so annoying.

[exoticfruits]

Of course you should give choice - there are lots of simple choice where it doesn't put anyone out. 'Do you want red shorts or blue?' etc is fine. The 'little emperor' comment came because it may well put someone out. Fine if you have the household where both parents are ready and willing to do it and don't have other children. I have never had that sort of household. If I am wanting to make an important phone call and DH is doing it - it would mightily inconvenient for a small child to just announce he wanted mummy.

The star chart comment was because OP said that it 'worked wonders' so therefore they are not 'rubbish, full stop'- it worked!
You can't possibly make blanket statements- all children are different and all parents are different. If you want to use star charts and they work then do it- don't let people put you off.

The only reason I said not to use it in the control issue was because it makes it an issue - much better IMO to have the bored attitude that it is too tedious for words and it is not up for negotiation.

I have looked back and can't see anywhere that I mentioned a blanket no choice policy. It was no choice for ordering people around for your own convenience!

[SnowDaze]

See I didn't read that as a blanket no choice policy.....more one child cannot dictate everything.

I've seen this happen in my DSIS family where DC4 runs their house and everyone in it. They allow her to dictate everything just for 'peace'. It has had a really negative impact on DSIS relationship with her DH as they are constantly pitted against each other, and on the other DC who basically have to follow DC4s every command.

I agree there is a happy medium between total dictatorship and blanket no choice.

Straps on car seat .....not up for discussion, giving the dog a hair cut....no way, which clothes you want to wear....whatever you like (within reason).