Wdyd, playdates with annoying children?

[philbee]

Lately we've had a couple of annoying occasions when different children have come over after school to play with DD1, who's in reception. They've come on their own, got out a load of toys (ok), helped themselves to food when I'm in the room or out of it (not ok IMO), ignored what I've asked them (well, they're 5 but often I say 'please don't do that' several times and they go ahead anyway), and argued with me when I've asked them and DD to tidy up (not ok IMO). I've got a small baby too and after an hour or so of dealing with all of them plus DD1 flaking out on the sofa and just wanting to watch TV, having asked the other child over to play I take the other child home to a slightly surprised looking parent and tell them DD is tired and not up to it.

What do you do in this situation? I don't want to be a horrible mummy who doesn't want DD's friends round (although I admit I'm a bit uptight about people in my space, which I try to get over but sometimes fail at), but I get fed up with other people's kids being rude to me and trashing the place. Do you say anything to the parents? I'd be really embarrassed if I knew DD had behaved like that at someone else's house.

[Jinty64]

I take ds3's friends to soft play at the weekend. I work during the week so can't have them over during the week anyway. I pick them up from their house, they have 2 hours of soft play whilst I Mumsnet and then I order lunch for them. I can usually stretch it to 3 hours and I drop the friend home. Sooooo easy!

[BackforGood]

Another thought is that you would be better inviting someone at the weekend or in the holidays. At the end of a school day, particularly at the end of term, dc are tired and irritable, and neither the best hosts nor the best guests. If it's all they are doing that day, then it will go better.
Plus, a lot of children would find it odd to have to put toys away when they are in the middle of playing. A colleague of mine had a baby a couple of weeks after my first was born, and we got together a few times when they were little, but I just felt uncomfortable there after a bit as she would only let him get one thing out, then he had to put that away before being allowed another toy out. That's just not how most children play.
Thirdly, if they are doing something that is against the rules in your house, then you have to be firm / assertive, and just say "We don't do 'x' in our house" and stick by it. You are the parent. You are the adult in charge. You need to let them know what is and isn't acceptable.

[mamadoc]

It will get better!

DD is in y1 and now play dates are a breeze. They take themselves off to play, occasionally ask for a drink or a snack but I never have to police it any more. I look forward to some of her friends coming now and I know their mums so I could easily say if there was ever a problem.

Last year in reception was much harder work. She hadn't worked out who her friends were so we had some that just didn't click causing tears and tantrums all round. They were tired with much shorter attention spans and wound up just getting everything out, playing with it for 5 seconds then wanting something else. I definitely had to lay on activities and play with them. Not to mention wipe their bums in some cases!

I also had a baby just before DD started school so I do sympathise that it is hard to deal with the tantruming playdaters whilst juggling nappies, feeds, naps etc. Some friends just wanted to play with the baby which upset DD (someone ELSE who just wants to coo at the bloody baby) so that was an added complication.

Playdates are really not essential. What about meeting up at the park with another child AND their parents / sibs? She still gets to play but it takes the pressure off you.

[philbee]

They come because she has asked that they come, and I've said ok, ask them and they can come. But I think she has little idea of social obligation or ability to predict how she's going to feel once she gets home. So yes, will knock it on the head except for people we've known for a while I think. Most of those come with their mum or dad anyway as it's a social thing for me too.

[Alwaysbloodyhungry]

Oops how old exactly is the one with the erection?! And just to add I think you,re probably trying too hard for your dd1 when actually she probly just prefers coming home and chilling out after school....I,d knock the play dates on the head for a while if I was you...it's never worth the hassle IMO

[Chivetalking]

After a few years of hell experimentation with the older two I found the whole thing much more manageable once they were about 8.

Youngest is a late June birthday and simply wasn't up to having friends round after school until then so I left it until I thought he could cope. Ten years later he's probably the most sociable of the lot

[Scruffey]

I avoid play dates. I allow one per term for each of my dc and it will be a best friend, not a random class member they want to invite on a whim. If either my child or the visiting child behaved badly, play dates would cease for 6 months.

[philbee]

avon - exaggeration sorry, but we are still in the throws of small babydom with DD2, last night she was up six times and she has v short naps in the day so if I can put her down (not always) I sleep too. So there's just not a lot of time.

I'm happy to do a quick snack for them when they come home, that's fine, but I need them to occupy themselves really as I am having to deal with the baby. I guess I feel bad because I don't want DD1 to feel she can't have new friends over because of DD2, but in reality she's not that interested once they're here anyway. Maybe I just need to get over it and say we will wait and just stick to those people we know for now and then limit it once school is back. Good ideas though, thanks.

[MrsPeeWee]

If its anything other than raining, they go outside in this house. If DS wants toys, he can come and collect them himself while they wait outside. If they come in to my house, I instantly tell them to go back to the garden. If DS wants to play inside - I tell him to ask the children to leave. I feel exactly the same as you OP. I don't like other peoples children running around my house making a mess! If they ask for food, I tell them to go home and ask their parents for food. Every now and again if there's only one child, I will give them a snack too usually if I am in a good mood

[philbee]

chive what age do you think that would be? In the right circumstances DD can play for hours with her good friends, so it's hard to tell how it's going to go really. But I guess if free an hour it's going well I can tell the parent.

I don't really expect them to tidy up completely, but often the visitor goes through DD's room and gets everything out so that the floor is covered and toys are bein trampled on before I can get up there to realise what's happening. Then I ask that they put some things away to clear a space before they continue.

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

I have 2 DDs and one of them is in reception. I avoid playdates. I did them with DD1 and they always went badly because one of the children would moan, have a tantrum, behave badly...it's because they're so little.
Wait till' DD is older then indulge.

[gintastic]

We have this - I have DD aged 5 and 2 younger ones. I now limit it to friends of hers that I know will behave - and home time is 6pm. School here kicks out at 3.15, and is next to a play park so we are not normally home until 4, or even 4.30 if I'm lucky :-) I usually pre prepare tea (lasagne usually), apart from for one little girl whose favourite is pasta and pesto - fine by me! Then they only have an hours max playing which is usually just enough :-) rainy weather is a bit more challenging...

The ones that don't behave I do tell off. I wouldn't have a child in the house that I couldn't tell off if necessary (think parents not believing their little darling could be trouble and kicking off at me when I have words). I had one that drew on my walls!

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

You also need to agree with DD beforehand that there's no TV watching when the guest is there, if it's going to cause problems. Perhaps have an "after tea only" rule for TV? Keep the playdates short, too, they don't have to be 3-6 at this age! Why do you only have time to wash and feed yourself during the day

[philbee]

Horry - argh! Makes helping oneself to some fruit pale into insignificance!

[philbee]

Well, most recent one I did start to be more assertive, but I'm not good at it with other people's children. Will practice. Chances of preparing a picnic are slim, I have time to wash and feed myself during the day and that's about it tbh. I think I'll say just an hour after school, which is manageable, and then there's no embarrassment if the other parents think it's oddly early.

[Chivetalking]

Another vote for leaving it until they're old enough to entertain themselves without constant requests for entertainment or refereeing.

If you must put yourself through it, finish by 5.30 or 6pm at the outside.

Better for everyone's nerves.

[HorryIsUpduffed]

Following with interest.

DS1's best friend is very wearing - going where he is asked not to, pulling up plants in the garden, backchatting, etc, and NEVER FUCKING LISTENING. He doesn't listen much to his mother either, in fairness.

On one memorable occasion he also used my leg as a convenient erection-rubbing device and resisted attempts to be stopped. I do not like this child at all.

Anyway I am happy to meet up with them to do things, but resist having him round to play wherever possible. It is awkward because sometimes his mother does want help (has another child who has frequent medical appointments) but I just can't cope.

[Ragwort]

Schmaltz - just read your post, yes, I think I am a bit of Joyce Grenfell .

[Ragwort]

You need to be assertive, I don't think a child has ever been rude to me - but I am pretty strict and at the slightest bit of misbehaviour I make it clear that 'we don't do that in our house' - I have no hesitation in making the rules absolutely crystal clear. Often that involved telling my child off as well, even if he wasn't showing any sign of naughtiness ie: 'no, we don't get the lego out until the cars are put away' that sort of thing. I have a real issue with children using inappropriate language or blaspheming and will stop it straight away.

Surprisingly children still wanted to come on playdates with us .

[curlew]

Before they arrive, prepare a picnic. Send them out into the garden with it.

Sorted!

[Ifcatshadthumbs]

So cut down on the amount of time they spend at yours. An hour after school for a bit of a play before dinner is fine.

[philbee]

I do think she's being rude, yes! We have a no TV while guests here rule but it's been eroded a bit as good friends of hers come for longer and they often end up watching it together. I will talk to her and do planned stuff but that's just difficult with a small baby as I get ten minute windows every hour or so and then feeding, screaming etc. so it's hard to supervise or manage outings.

[curlew]

Don't you think your dd is being rude too?

[Ifcatshadthumbs]

I hate play dates I'm too uptight and all the things that bug you bug me too. But I recognise that some of it is my low tolerance so I do try to take a chill pill. I no longer ask other people's dc's to clean up because it works both ways and I know other parents have to clean up after mine.

I think you have to tell your dd that if she's having friends over then no TV until they have gone.

As for rudeness, not listening and taking food that I wouldn't tolerate that at all (luckily I have a scarey teacher voice that I don't mind using!)