my 5 yr old over boistrous for his piers in school

[littlelyon]

My 5 year old boy started a new school at the end of January and is apperntly beginning to settle. But other children are saying he is naughty and the teacher told me yesterday that he is being to boistrous for his piers and hurting them. He is big for his age, some of the children one child in particular is half is size.

A lot of the time he is joining in with rough play with the other boys one group in particular because he is the biggest the smaller ones generally end up being pushed over although he is doing the same as them (at lunchtimes) and other times he has pinched another child to stop them hurting a girl. he does that quite a lot he gets involved where he shouldnt.

he pushed over the small child in roleplay in class and he fell onto a plastic box resulting in a cut bottom. My child has had run ins with this boy previously where this boy was playing boxing and seeing who was the strongest and they grabbed each others face. The other boy got a scratch, apparently the apologised at the time to each other.

This is the one side of the problem he isnt hurting children out of anger or spite, but out of some misguided protecting them or because he is not playing gently enough and not thinking. (Not justifying what he is doing) we are constantly explaining/taking toys/early to bed etc to try and get the message through. He just does not think of the consequences, and it will begin to effect his friend making . He is really sensitive and his behaviour will spiral if he thinks he is being told off unfairly or if he is worried about getting into trouble he gets nightmares and cant sleep so we tend to have patches where he gets into a cycle of being overly boistrous and gets in trouble which increases the behaviour.

The other side is a maternal side where the mum of the small child is running to the school and have heard her forcing and leading explanations out of her child, when he clearly knows they were both playing. Because my son is so much bigger than hers i think she thinks he is bullying him when from what I can tell they are playing games they probably shouldnt be and they are both at fault.

It makes me feel isolated at the school gates and embarresed. I do speak to a couple of the other parents, but i feel like i constantly being watched. The other mum hasnt said anything to me and to be honest i wish she would so i could put people right. He has a baby sister and he is wonderful with her , he does what i say at home and is helpful, He is brilliant academically. He is mischievious and although does what i ask can struggle to stop when i tell him to stop doing something.

I dont know what to do. How can i make him be more mindful of his actions ?

[purples]

As you say Keepcalm and cool, we must disagree ( I hate generalisations about childrens behaviour, they are all unique; to say all boys play fight, is in a similar vein to saying all girls play with doll. But lets not get into that argument on this thread, as you say we must agree to disagree.)

As I have previously said; My best advice to littlelyon, is to keep talking to the teaching staff, they are in the best position to offer good advice, they will have seen such problems before, and know your child. Keep talking to his teacher and if necessary headteacher and push for the school to offer practical help for your ds (coaching/advice/mind gym etc.etc.) Don't go into battle with teachers, but listen to their advice.
With other parents you say you feel uncomfortable but you will find more respect from other mothers if you are open about your problems (no one has a perfect child, they just have differing problems), if other mums are aware that you are trying your best to tackle any perceived problems, they may be more sympathetic.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

Purples
With respect I think we will have to agree to disagree.

From my own personal observations, I have NEVER yet seen a boy that hasn't play/pretend fought.

(Likewise I have also seen some very potentially dangerous and malious behaviour - ie. absolutely not play/pretend fighting).

Your children must be in the few that are the exception to the rule. I am not knocking this whatsover, on the contrary it is very good.

[littlelyon]

To confirm the boys my ds is playing with definitely like to play rough he is not doing anything different to them and he comes home with marks etc aswell.

I do try and disuade the rough play and he has tried to tell them he doesn't want to play but he ends up playing with them any how. After all there his friends.

I am want to instill some self displine in him so he can say no and mean no. And I want to know that he can be gentle when playing these games so that he doesn't inflict an injury onto his friends. Especially as one of them is tiny and my ds is so big.

This weekend we have been doing some role play and exploring how different things make us feel. I have also been playing games so he can practice controling his strength. And we have been practicing calming down when he gets to excited.

I am looking at different sports and hopefully by the end of next term he will be settled and not having these issues. I worked out he has actually only been there 6weeks.

[purples]

Yes, and I have tried to offer the mother positive advice. Its a problem that it is in everyones interest in solving.

However, some people have tried to say that all boys enjoy play fighting, I was just pointing out that not all boys do.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

Purples - Absolutely that's the whole point of this thread - his mother is asking for advice. No one on this thread is condoning rough behaviour.

[purples]

Hi keepcoolcalmand collected, this thread is about a boy who is large for his age and who enjoys play fighting but he does not have the maturity of age to understand that what he regards as play is harming other children.
Even if 2 boys decide to rough play together, there has to be a certain amount of control in their behaviour towards each other.

[YellowandGreenandRedandBlue]

I have no idea why a big grin is on that post!

[YellowandGreenandRedandBlue]

The thread is about a child hurting his peers at school so the whole topic under discussion is play fighting being taken to a level where other children suffer .

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

I am NOT saying it is acceptable for boys to take play fighting to extremes whereby other children suffer.

Where has that come from?

[purples]

I don't want to misunderstand you but I just think that although many boys enjoy play fighting there are some boys who don't enjoy it. There is a wide spectrum of normal behaviour and both are normal types of behaviour.
However it is never acceptable for boys to take play fighting to extremes whereby other children suffer.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

No please don't twist things as Yellow has tried.

Play fighting is totally normal plain and simple - no more no less.

[purples]

WOW Keepcoolcalmandcollected,
so if boys don't fight, then you are not quite with it and slightly odd?????
Thats quite an amazing statement to make!!!!
I really can't agree with such a sweeping generalisation.

[YellowandGreenandRedandBlue]

Oh my.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

Slightly odd.

[BeaWheesht]

What does 'not usually quite with it' mean???

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

Another point Yellow - where do you get the 'rough' bit from?

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

To be clear, I am referring to boys.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

I have to disagree with you again.

Most normal children do play fight because it is in their genes.

As is picking up sticks in the woods and shooting at each other.

All totally normal.

Children that don't are usually not quite with it.

[YellowandGreenandRedandBlue]

Well, the place to start is by saying it isn't normal/inevitable and not tolerating it at all. Saying 'all children play rough and if yours don't they are not normal' is not a good attitude.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

I suppose I am very cynical because I have observed so many children whose parents are totally blind to what they get up to. However, they are the first to fiercely defend those children if they themselves get hurt.

Yes, there are children with lovely meek and mild temperaments, as well as parents that want to guide their children (as littlelyon does) in the right direction, but sadly they are very much in the minority in my experience.

[YellowandGreenandRedandBlue]

Not all children fight. Really, they don't. I was also a teacher. Not all kids fought.

Why is it so hard to believe?

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

Yellow
"My kids didn't play fight and were taught never to grab, push, kick, hit, wrestle."

If I had a £1.00 every time a proud parent has said this.

So many times these people never seem to see what their children are up to, and in fact they are usually the most aggressive children.

Take off your rose tinted spectacles.

[purples]

Have thought over what you have said, and on consideration, think that maybe his maturity level is too low for karate, maybe try it in a few years times. At the moment it may just teach him skills that get him further into trouble.

[Soupa]

Yeah my timid one did karate and enjoyed it but I wouldn't have sent the other, I would probably have made an effective ninja and caused much bruising to classmates.

[cory]

I agree with other posters that the school should have stricter rules about rough games.

Also, not so sure about karate as the solution for boys already inclined to rough housing. Ime all the roughest boys I have known have done karate and there has been no evidence that it has calmed them down or taught them to control their impulses: the karate teacher is no doubt teaching them this but they simply don't take that bit on board. Boys that age can be very good at selective hearing; they get what they want from karate and miss out what adults see as the essential part.