Help me! 3.5-year-old still crying at nursery drop-off

[Fatbritishblue]

Can someone pleeeease advise on this problem? My 3.5-year-old boy has been going to nursery four/five days a week since he was a year old, and nine days out of ten he melts into tears as I leave. Sometimes he even starts crying before we get to the gate; usually he starts snivelling just after we've got in the door; if neither of these applies, he just falls apart when it becomes obvious that I'm about to leave.

He has been in two nurseries (we moved to a new one a year ago due to cost) and has been the same in both. The new one is absolutely lovely, and his 18-month-old brother has been going there since March, so he has this familiarity all day as the nursery is mostly open-plan, with the different ages grouped on different tables but within the same room.

The nursery and I have tried everything we can think of - mainly distraction, attention and, this week, a start chart: if you don't cry at drop-off you get a star, three stars and you get a present.

I don't think the start chart is going to work, because despite the fact he desperately wants 'a present', there seems to be a fundamental psychological problem with me leaving him. This morning I asked why he was crying, and he said, "I want Mummy". It still boils down to the simple fact he doesn't like me leaving him.

We have had some more promising periods, mind you. At the last nursery there were two keyworkers that he adored, and who would swoop over on my arrival and shower him with distraction and affection, and I would rush out the door before he twigged what was going on. At the new nursery, the arrival routine is less predictable, but sometimes it's his favourite member of staff on the door, and a cuddle with her might help; another time another favoured staff member might ask my son to help lay out the breakfast things - keeping him busy and feeling important also helps. But sometimes we sort-of let ourselves in, or the member of staff isn't quite so indulgent or pro-active (on the whole they're a bit more laid back/down to earth than at the last place), and then it all goes wrong. And actually that can be most days a week. But ultimately, it seems crazy that after all this time my son still needs so much help to start his day, and its frustrating and disappointing for everyone.

Of course, after I've left he usually cheers up within a couple of minutes and has a happy, busy day and is full of smiles when I pick him up.

Nursery have suggested he's crying for attention, which I suppose is true in a way, but he seems so genuinely upset that I think it's more complicated than this. It's not like he screams; he just sobs quietly and tragically.

As you can imagine, it means I'm heartbroken before the working day has begun, and don't like to think of my son's day starting like this, either.

His brother is much happier and just gets on with it most of the time.

I am at my wits end, and need some ideas other than just waiting for him to grow out of it.

Sorry for such a long post!

Fingers crossed for some top tips!

[Hopingmamma]

Hi fellow mums. I know its an old post. But if any of you see this, can you tell me if your kids outgrew this phase? My 2.6 yr old DD has always been on a clingier side even though she did improve little with age. But she has been crying EVERYDAY at drop off and she says she doesnt want to go to school immediately after getting up from sleep. I have investigated and there is nothing wrong with her school. In fact she enjoys there but takes a while to get settled (she never really has been a social person, she prefers one-on-one interactions).
Should I continue her preschool (she also goes to daycare after that for 3 hours, so its around 6-7 hours away from us)? Should I take her out? I work fulltime. Sometimes I feel I should quit. Any advise?

[buckyou]

Hi hoping,

My DD is 2.6 years as well and is a little drama llama! She cries nearly always at nursery drop off, she will sometimes start to improve and then she will get sick or something and go back to square one!

However, as people have said, she settles down and loves it once we've left (she hasn't always been like this) and when she gets home she doesn't stop talking about nursery, her carer and what they've been doing. Also if we chat about it in the evening she loves the idea of going, I think it just gets a bit overwhelming and nerve wracking when she actually gets there.

She's also a bit dramatic if I have to go outside to do the horses and leave her with dad. So I try not to upset myself too much!

I don't think you should quit your job

[Hopingmamma]

Thanks for your reply buckyou.

My little girl had settled pretty well in the first term, she was overall getting very independent, would play on her own and with her friends near our apartment, etc. But suddenly after mid-term break, its like her personality has taken a dent. She is more clingy (the way she was at 15-16 months), she does not play alone in her room, follows me around, asks me to call her a baby (I am not pregnant, but she did stay with my cousin who just had a baby during her mid-term vacation). She opposes the idea of school so much, I do not want her to get a permanently negative view about her going to school and me going to work

[Elmersnewfriend]

Well I responded on this thread in 2012 as Spammertime when my DS2 was 3. He's now almost 9 and honestly, I had forgotten what a big deal this was (and it really was). He is still my overly emotional child and he still very much wants a kiss and a cuddle when he leaves me in the morning - but he's a super well adjusted, confident, emotionally secure little boy who has loads of friends. I know it's easy to say for me now, but it really will be ok... wow it's hard when they're little, but keep going and just keep making them feel loved.