Surname dilemma

[Level75]

I've got a different surname from my DH. I don't see why our son should have his surname. My surname is very rare and I'd like to pass it on but I can appreciate that this isn't fair either. Double barrelled would be too long.
Has anyone else been in this situation and if so how did you work it out?

[indie123]

I think if both names are hard to spell or isnt common and it's a long name then it would get annoying over time having to spell it out to people. My surname is common..its also a common unisex first name so I never have to spell it out its just dh's name that I have to spell as it's uncommon. If i had to spell out the whole thing though I'd get irritated and would feel bad for my daughter for the future. My surname is Francis so when her whole name is said I guess it may sound like Francis is a middle name. If i was to give my child a 5 syllable surname I would go for a 1 or 2 syllable first name.

[ThingsThatShine]

I am thinking of double barreling my and DP's name though worried it might be a bit of a mouthful. The name is not that long, only 5 syllables together, but DP's name is 4 of those and foreign and so a bit difficult for people even on its own. However I don't see why my name should be completely left out of it and I am a bit reluctant to change it. I think I would keep mine, DP keeps his, DC gets the double barrel.

[weatherall]

Give him your name!

Why can't dh change his surname to yours?

It is ridiculous that the default is the mans surname- hail the patriarchy!

[indie123]

Oh and I know someone who recently gave their daughter a 5 syllable double barrell surname...15 letters in total

[tallulah]

We went for the myname-hisname option, because it doesn't sound right the other way around (makes a sentence). 4 syllables altogether.

The 4 big DCs are adults, and all make their own decisions about what they want to call themselves. DC1 tends to just use my name, DC2 uses DH's, DC3 uses both and DC4 uses mine but spells it wrong on purpose .

DC3 is getting married this year and there has been much discussion about what their name(s) will be. It isn't my concern so whatever they pick I will go with it. DC1 was also muttering about getting married and the DP said they were quite looking forward to being myname-theirname .

[KatieKaye]

My surname has 4 syllables and I don't that's particularly unusual. I've also got my Mum's maiden name as one of my middle names.

I'd go for the double-barrelled option. If you can't agree on which name should go first, do it alphabetically!

[MrsLilac]

I'm a teacher and most of the children in my class have long winded double barrelled surnames. I have never thought much of it. I think it is nice to have both parents names and not just use the dads.

[geekaMaxima]

The "but their children will have a quadruple-barrelled surname" argument is a red herring. No one - outside the extremely quirky end of the aristocracy - does this!

Most common solution is to take one surname from each parent, so A. Bennet D'Arcey and B. Lucas Collins could call their dc C. Lucas D'Arcey. Some people choose the rarer or more aesthetically pleasing of their surnames to pass down. Others pass the surnames down both male and female lines (i.e., mother passes down her mother's surname, father passes down his father's surname).

This is just a long way of saying that using two surnames doesn't create problems next gen. Double up! Plenty of single surnames are 4 syllables anyway.

[indie123]

I know a couple both with double barrell names. E.g John Smith - Harris and Sarah Fisher - Jones. They have a daughter...they gave her a double surname and gave her one of each of their surnames so for example she's Suzy Smith-Fisher. If I'm honest I do regret giving my daughter a double barrell surname...its bugged me over time. Dd's father said we could change it to just mine via deed poll as he now didn't mind and there was a time i made a fuss about it but when it came down to it I felt a bit bad getting him to do it especially as when she was born he backed down giving her a middle name that I hated but he really wanted . If it was short i wouldnt mind but its quite long especially as his surname is already 9 letters alone. I guess i didnt realise how much it would bother me especially as I grew up with a single easy 7 letter surname. I'm going to ask that when she starts school they only use my surname and if it continues to bug me I will probably get it officially changed

[minipie]

I completely agree with you OP that there is no reason it should be the man's surname rather than the woman's

The problem however with double barrelling (or with using one surname as middle name) is that it causes an issue for your child when they grow up and have children

I have both my mum's and my dad's surname. What do I do about my DC? Triple barrel with DH's name? What if DH had a double barrelled name too? Quadruple barrel ?

At some point someone has to make a decision. I think you may as well make it now. Choose whichever is the nicer name. if you can't agree which that is, ask MN

[ohthegoats]

Yeah, I agree with having mother's name as a middle name is a cop out. It'll never get used. I NEVER use my middle name, it's not in my signature, and I forget to add it to anything that asks my name.

My partner is already double barrelled (4 syllables), I'm single syllabled. We're going with a combination of one part of his, and mine. He has chosen the 'his dad's' part of his though, which is interesting, because in my opinion it's much less interesting. He uses his mum's as his surname if he's shortening it though. Weird. Anyway, when we're trying out names with the surnames, he tries mine and the part of his he's chosen - he reckons that because he swaps and changes his, the kid will too, so best to check both sound OK.

I just think that if we're travelling overseas on our own with the child, then it will be easier if we share a surname - I have friends who have had significant problems, particularly flying into the States.

[CaptWingoBings]

I would double barrell.

I have my mum's surname & my dad's surname is a middle name. They worked it out by tossing a coin when I was born. My younger sibs were then given the same name.

I actually really regret not insisting on my DC having my name as it goes back 3 generations as a female surname. But at the time I felt less strongly about it, so the DC have my husband's name. I don't find it difficult at doctors, schools etc. It's increasingly common these days - all of my NCT group had different surnames although all but one couple gave the dad's surname to the DC.

[Guin1]

Like most of the pp on this thread, I don't think 4 syllables is too long for a double barrelled surname. A lot of single barrelled surnames are four syllables. However, if you really don't want double barrelled, you could try a compromise that if DS gets your DH's surname, then you get first choice of first name or middle name (or both). That is what we did - I really wanted to give DS my grandmother's maiden name as a mn, that was actually more important to me than passing on my surname. So that was what we did and we were both happy.

[indie123]

Same happened with me. I wanted dd to have just my name. Her dad wasn't having it and created a huge fuss. In the end we agreed to double barrell it. For example it's Sophia myname-hisname. Because his name is second it tends to get dropped off alot by people and she gets called Sophia myname. You could also just use one surname for general use. It's only really official stuff such as bank and passport that need proper name. At school their proper name will be on the system but you can request that just one name is used generally when addressing them and on the register. Dd starts school in sept and I'm requesting that this is done to make things easier for her especially as even she calls herself Sophia myname. When they reach 16 they are free to do a deedpoll to do whatever they like to their name anyway

[nikki1391]

my daughter has a double surname as we couldn't agree

its 4 syllables and 16 letters in total...yes its long but oh well...to me it flows well so its not a prob

When they are 16 they are free to drop one by deed poll if they wish

double surnames are quite common and quite nice as long as they flow well together

eg

Helena Bonham Carter
Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall
Rosie Huntington Whitely
Jada Pinkett Smith
Sacha Baron Cohen
Anthony Worrell-Thompson


etc

[Tangoandcreditcards]

squoosh I don't. Sorry if it came across like that. It was just slightly glib shorthand, I'm passing on DM's name and (it just so happens) my brothers have passed on DF's (and also mine)

[Tangoandcreditcards]

rootypig quite, although we've since found out that the reason it was such a rare name is because it was likely invented by my feckless great GP in attempt to escape some debts. So well done me indeed. (But yes, was a way to honour my late DM rather than the previous generations, so is sort of brand new!)

[squoosh]

'Probably not helpful: but we gave DS my mother's maiden name (otherwise extinct) as it's no more smashing the patriarchy to give him my father's name than my DPs.'

I like the option you went for but why do you consider your DP's name to be his own but your name is your father's?

[Tangoandcreditcards]

Although it might be more helpful to tell you that the killer blow was that as I was doing the pregnancy and all the discomfort that entails so I got the majority vote !

[rootypig]

Well your mother's maiden name was her father's, presumably, Tango? you have to start somewhere - logically the generation makes no difference to the principle. The OP's child would be getting her 'maiden' name. Though I think being one generation removed seems to make it easier for everyone to agree to.

Well done you though!

[Tangoandcreditcards]

Probably not helpful: but we gave DS my mother's maiden name (otherwise extinct) as it's no more smashing the patriarchy to give him my father's name than my DPs.

Took the whole 9 months of nagging negotioting with DP though.

[rootypig]

We were in this situation. I gave in because I preferred his name, really (as in, it's a nicer name, but I wanted mine on principle).

You have to just be adamant and insist, there is no other solution. Harder for a woman because of the weight of tradition, and I think many men find the thought emasculating so get very cross about it (I think this is bollocks, but I state it as an observation).

[ConfusedPixie]

Hyphenated names are fine. I have a unique surname and I want to keep it and for my children to have it. I'm hyphenating mine next year and our (future) children will have the hyphenated name, DP is uncertain yet as to whether he'll add my surname or not and that is for him to decide, our names hyphenated are 5 syllables, not too much of a mouthful really.

[Martorana]

Not to labour the point - but oh look! Two more "women's" last names!