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Baby names

mum's surname or dad's?

59 replies

lovelilies · 26/09/2013 23:07

unmarried parents.. which surname will/have you given your dc?
I honestly have no idea what to do...Sad

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sashh · 28/09/2013 09:19

I think the first consideration is if wither of you have a name with the potential for embarrassment, one of my friends is name that is also used to mean 'penis', her son has his father's name just for this reason.

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TalkativeJim · 28/09/2013 23:51

As your first baby has your surname already, then DEFINITELY your name.

You are giving birth to this baby - you have as much right if not more for it to have your surname. Also, it quite simply makes more sense. I have read here several times people commenting on how silly it is really for the male surname to be the one carried down, given that in the event of a split over 90% of children end up living with their mother. If you want your baby to have your surname and that of her sister, just do it - it means that in the event of a split, you don't have a family of three with one child the odd one out. Also, this way, the siblings have an extra bond between them. Very important.

If your DP isn't happy, then there is his impetus to JOIN your family in marriage... and when you do, part of that can be all of you changing your names to a new family name. Perhaps his, perhaps yours, or more fairly a new either hyphenated or chosen name.

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RoadToTuapeka · 28/09/2013 23:56

One family I know gave the children their mother's surname and when the partners got married the husband took his wife's surname.

I am sure it is in Spain that children take the mother's surname. Why other's don't is down to convention.

Some of my DH's family were a bit funny about DS1 not having one of their side's names as a first name. Goodness he has their surname, was that not enough! Both my boys have a part of my surname (it's double barrelled) as middle names.

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lovelilies · 29/09/2013 09:06

Thank you all for your input, I definitely think this dc should have the same name as his/her sister, and mummy!
As you say, if/when we marry, we'll see but for now this dc is a little lilies Grin

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MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird · 29/09/2013 21:00

I think if DP wants to all be the same as a family he should change his name to yours. Much more sensible than making your older daughter change hers.

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Xenadog · 29/09/2013 22:04

I like my surname (it's very anonymous) and will never change it if I ever get married. My LO will have DP's surname and it was a trade off as he got the surname and I got to choose the first name.

I have no desire to have the same surname as my child although I think I understand why some people want the family to all have the same surname or use a double barrel to create a sense of "familyness."

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lovelilies · 30/09/2013 14:37

DP won't change his name, he's a doctor and had stuff published so there's no chance he'd want to be Dr. love!

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AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters · 30/09/2013 14:39

He could do what thousands of women do and have a professional name and a private name.

Just sayin' like Grin

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Choccyhobnob · 30/09/2013 15:22

Just from a childs point of view, my parents separated when I was 4, my brother was born when I was 7 and had my mum's new partners surname. They married a couple of years later and although now divorced my mum has kept that married surname. So I've always had a different surname from my brother and had a different surname from my mum for many years and it never bothered me or anything. May be different scenario though as my sister shares both parents and name and my dad has been in my life the whole time so was never the only one with a different name.

That was probably gobbledook wasn't it...

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AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters · 30/09/2013 15:57

I think it you are right that it probably feels different if you have your dad's name and love and see you dad. My friend's daughter had her mum's name, so once her mum ditched it she didn't share with either parent. Sad

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mumof2aimingfor4 · 30/09/2013 18:02

PLEASE PLEASE use your surname. You can change both yours and babies to his name when you get married. If hes on birth certificate why would it matter.

Im speaking feom personal experience where I am now marrying the father of my second child (and unborn one that im carrying) but my ex will not allow my dd to change her surname. She is really upset and stuck with a surname thay doesnt relate to me in anyway.

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Thants · 30/09/2013 18:05

Both your surnames or yours. If you get married don't change your name it's unnecessary and degrading.
I will definitely use mine and my partners surname.

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motherinferior · 30/09/2013 18:06

Yep, both or yours. What Thants said.

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MERLYPUSS · 30/09/2013 21:29

I'm married but didn't change my surname. DTs have my surname but DH's surname as a 2nd middle name. With 13 letters each it was too long to double barrel.

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SkodaLabia · 01/10/2013 09:50

DD has DP's surname, as the first name we loved doesn't work so well with mine. With hindsight, I wish we'd done the two surnames thing too, but I imagine it's a bit complicated on forms.

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SoupDragon · 01/10/2013 09:54

If you get married don't change your name it's unnecessary and degrading.

No it isn't degrading.

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Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 01/10/2013 10:03

My DD has DP's because it meant a lot to him for her to have his surname and I really wasn't that bothered about mine. I figure that at some point we'll get married so I'll have the same name then but it really doesn't bother me.

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Thants · 01/10/2013 13:36
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motherinferior · 01/10/2013 14:17

I think rebranding yourself with some bloke's name is degrading...

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AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters · 01/10/2013 14:38

I don't find it degrading. I changed my name because I wanted my nuclear family to share a name - me, DH and future children. We could have both double barrelled or gone for a new family name, but quite frankly I couldn't be bothered. I don't see anything degrading about that. Yes, I was lazy, but I don't think I was degraded.

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motherinferior · 01/10/2013 15:03

Why didn't you go for yours? Why is it always women?

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AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters · 01/10/2013 15:08

Because, as I said, I was lazy. I can change my name quite easily. No one fusses. There is a process. DH would have to deed poll, endlessly explain to people, deal with the ongoing hurt and upset it would have caused his (traditional, older) parents. It was just a battle I chose not to fight. I do fight plenty of others.

I never felt particularly attached to my maiden name either. I read that article and I have to say I couldn't relate to the 'your name is your identity' stuff. My surname was common and boring and there were millions. My first name OTOH is unusual and interesting and very much me. If anyone addressed me as Mrs John P I would be furious. I also liked leaving my teenage name behind and not being traceable or linkable to that person very easily.

Mind you, I married in my 20's. If I were ever to marry again, I would not change my name now. It is the name of my children and I would never part with it (even if they choose to one day). If (v v unlikely) I had children in a new relationship, I would expect that child to have my name or might possibly be convinced to double barrel.

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Thurlow · 01/10/2013 15:18

Not having married or changed your name doesn't mean you're more likely to split up. Why do some people jump to that assumption? Confused

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motherinferior · 01/10/2013 15:20

I supposed it's different for me as I have quite a distinctive name. Also I am ancient and come from the generation of 1980s feminists who were fairly appalled by the very idea of marriage.

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AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters · 01/10/2013 16:22

Mother - It is probably worth bearing in mind that I am in my mid 30s and married in my mid 20s. I also didn't have children. So I was a feminist at this point, but it was in the general sense of 'of course I'm a feminist' and of equally seeing most of the work as done (in the UK). It was that era where choice feminism was being flogged in the mainstream media and, as a middle class, well educated woman I was shamefully sheltered from a lot of realities. So yes, I made a pretty lazy decision. I think, like a lot of women my age, I mainly discovered my feminism as I got older and as having children made realise the vast inequalities still in operation in our marriages, homes and workplaces.

In many ways I don't regret it. I like us all sharing a name, and I am not sure I could have inflicted the deep hurt on the IL's it would have caused them if their DS changed his name (as I said, older and very traditional). But I do think that today I would think about it more deeply.

I do hate the thought that people would think that I couldn't be a feminist having changed my name. Or that I am somehow degraded by decisions I made though.

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