Can't agree on a surname!

[nappyaddict]

Me and DP want a baby, however he does not agree that the baby should have both of our surnames.

I see it as both of us passing on our names to be carried on. DP sees it as neither of us passing on our names and the baby having a different surname to us. He says he could understand more if I was arguing for the baby to have just my surname, but I don't want that either!!

Everyone we know IRL thinks I'm weird for wanting the baby to have both of our surnames. They don't understand why I don't want it to have just DP's surname. But then they think you're not properly married if you don't want to change to your DH's surname.

DP doesn't really want me to have both surnames if we get married either. He hates the idea of me not just taking his surname. He says it offends him that I don't want to have his surname but if that's what I want to do then as a compromise he'll agree to that as long as the children can have just his surname.

Fed up of arguing over it, it gets brushed under the carpet for so long and then out it comes again. Really getting me down :( Should I just go with his compromise?

[MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird]

Tell him YOU are deeply offended that he won't change his surname to yours. Then agree to compromise on all going double barrelled.

[SVN]

Nappy addict - yes, essentially. It doesn't cause us any problems with regard to school, doctors etc. and the children can see the derivative of their surname in ours.

[LubyLu2000]

DP and I aren't married so I have my own surname but I had no problem whatsoever with DS getting his surname - in fact didn't even cross my mind that he shouldn't. I'm as feminist as they come and have had many an argument discussion about women's rights with some of the shall we say rather "antiquated" ideas of my southern European DP. But......I just think that relationships are a partnership and it needs a bit of give and take on both sides. If it's something that would really make him happy or make him feel a bit down then why not? If he's a decent nice guy then I'm sure he does stuff against his better interests for you sometimes. And just think, if you do let the baby have his surname you'll have a good negotiating tool for a while .
I've got a friend that insisted on exactly this and 7 years on she says she can't believe why she got so bothered about it and now says that the fact that her daughter has a double barrelled surname that is different from both her and her now husband is a total faff.

[nappyaddict]

SVN So do you have your maiden name, the children have a double-barrelled name and DH have his surname?

[Locketjuice]

After months and months of argueing my son got both our names.. I refused to give in!

Don't let him win if you really don't want to give up your name!

[CelticPromise]

DH said he wanted us to have the same name after marriage. I told him he was welcome to take my surname. He didn't mention it again!

We didn't want to double barrel so DS has DH's name, and mine as a middle name. If we are lucky enough to have a DD we'll do it the other eaty around.

I wouldn't stay with a man who did not respect my own choice to keep my name.

[Jasbro]

The best argument ever for getting married (and sorting out the name thing) before you try for kids!!! Only joking - I am happily unmarried and happily got a different surname to my children. My surname means very little to me in terms of "passing it down" as it is both boringly common and came from my dad's step-dad, but it is my name and I really don't want to give it up.
Where I come from, kids with double-barrelled surnames are no longer considered posh, but more likely to be from single parent families. Having a surname which is one half of your kids' surname is a dead giveaway that you're unmarried if you care about that kind of thing.

[yani]

Conceived. Not born.

[yani]

OP - Well done for considering this before the baby is born!
Best to have the potentially conflicting discussions now

[nickelbabe]

ps : please rethink this - he doesn't respect you enough to make your own decision on your own name , what's he going to be like when you're married?!

[nickelbabe]

DD's surname is a combination of our names.

i'm Don and DH is Payne, so DD is Paydon.

it works well, and it means that both and neither of us have passed on the name.

our names would both have died out with us anyway (DH's brothers have a different name and i have two sisters who changed their names)

[Narked]

Ask him how he feels about changing his name to yours when you get married. Once his jaw closes again, ask him why he thinks it would feel any less weird for you, as an adult, to suddenly change you surname.

Both names for your DC - which you've said is what you want - sounds totally reasonable.

[SVN]

Hello,

Our children have double-barrelled surnames and I have retained my maiden name. I think the insistence on taking the man's surname is such an unfair and anachronistic practice. There was no way I was giving up the identity that I had carved for myself, (besides my surname is very unusual and DH's very common). It was an issue for a while as DH was worried what his friends and family would think, but I knew that if I gave in, it would be a bone of contention between us and that I would resent him for it.

It's never caused any problems for us. Nobody has ever questioned it or batted an eyelid at the fact that essentially we all have different names.

[ZooAnimals]

Double barrell the baby's surname and you and DP can change BOTH your surnames to be the same as the baby. So you can all be the Nappyaddict-Smythes or whatever.

If he refuses to take your name, tell him his refusal offends you.

Or pick a new surname for all three of you. Place names make quite good surnames, pick somewhere that has special significance for you (Ms and Mr Cornwall and baby Cornwall, Ms and Mr Devon and baby Devon, Ms and Mr York and baby York, Ms and Mr Vegas and baby Vegas?)

[Vivee74]

Our baby will have both our surnames. Firstly if we were to marry I would change my name. Partly that professionally and socially that is my identity and I don't like his surname (to common). Had many an argument with my brother about this, Ie you choose your fathers name over husbands name, however it is MY name.

Re the baby, want to be part of us. Also practically a friend had different name to her little girl. When ever she flew home she needed a letter from her OH to take her little girl out of the country. I refuse to do that, so our baby will have both names (or just mine which he won't agree to)./

[Leafmould]

Most blokes wouldn't give a monkeys?

I'm not convinced. I think most people go along with the convention of having the fathers surname, so most blokes do not even have this conversation. I'm not trying to be unhelpful, but I think that if you are feeling that your dp is unusually closed-minded about it, more than most blokes, it's going to make you feel worse about the conflict.

You need to feel comfortable with whatever compromise you make, but don't feel that you are the only ones finding it hard to get to a compromise about this issue.

[RillaBlythe]

My surname is DD middle name. It never gets used. I regret not double barrlling.

My dad reckons an insistence on name changing is a red flag. I'm with Mrs PW.

[YoSaffBridge]

I know lots of people who have given their surname as a middle name, I think it's a great way of dealing with this problem. DD has DP's surname. We've decided not get married and even if we did I wouldn't change my name. He felt more strongly about DC's having his surname than I did, so I was fine with them taking his surname. But I do wish I'd put mine in as a surname. DD already has two middle names so it looked a bit ridiculous!

I've never heard DD's middle names called out (to the point that I didn't actually recognise her name when I got a letter saying Miss XYZ Smith ). If you'd like your surname said regularly I think it would have to be a double surname.

[nappyaddict]

He wouldn't change to my name, no way!

I have been considering giving my surname as a middle name. Has anyone does this?

What do they generally get called at school/doctor's sugery/dentist/hospital appointment etc? Do they assume the middle name is part of their surname and call out both names or do they just call out their actual surname?

[Onlyconnect]

Offer that he an cange hs surname to yours if he wants.

This is something I feel very strongly about. Changing surnames writes women out of history.

[SoYo]

StellaNova the ridiculous caveman thing was a joke, bit difficult to get tongue-in-cheek thinks across in print! Oops! My DH is generally rather lovely!

[Tinselandchocolates]

Personally I wouldn't hyphenate, and I'd want the baby to have the same name as me. One of the main reasons I did change my name when we got married, so we'd all have the same name.
It's your choice anyway, as a DP rather than DH I don't think he can register the birth, it has to be you.

[StellaNova]

I don't think my DH is ridiculous or a caveman,so that is a bit sweeping! He has been fine with me keeping my name.

I know loads of people whose children have both names, not usually hyphenated. I know loads whose children have DHs name but wife has kept maiden name (like us). I knw a few where wife has kept maiden name and children have that name. In no cases has it been a problem as far as I can see.

Although my mother thinks that if you get married legally you automatically take DHs name and I'm just pretending to be called something else. As evidenced when she needed a non-Nova to sign some papers "ooh Stella you could sign these". "No mum, you know I am still a Nova". "But legally, really you are not, are you." "Grrrr."

[SoYo]

Think you're all being a bit harsh, you have to remember that men are ridiculous creatures and have these weird caveman feelings about things.

My DH very much wanted me to have his surname so our kids would all have the same name but I'm lucky that I do a job it's very common to keep your maiden name in so I have a work name and a home name with my passport in one, driving licence in the other and a bank account in each. Does drive DH a bit mad as I have a tendency to forget and just use maiden name a lot but at least it's a compromise!

I think your best option is to keep your maiden name completely (he would just have to get over it) and give your babies your maiden name as a middle name! You should definitely be able to keep your name in there somewhere, he certainly does not have the right to demand you loosing your name altogether but sometimes in life there just needs to be a bit of compromise!

[ripsishere]

our DD has two normal first names, then my surname then DHs surname. It isn't double barreled just part of her name.
I don't have his surname. He is not the slightest bit offended.
Your DP sounds a bit of an arse.