Post natal anxiety/depression struggles

[Motheroftwo22]

Hi everyone,

I've just had my 3rd baby, uncomplicated pregnancy, great labour and birth but on day 4/5 postpartum I have started to have anxious thoughts and worries about my little one dying whether this be of SIDS or illness or myself/hubby accidentally falling asleep with him on the sofa. When I have these thoughts I can be inconsolable, I have experienced anxiety/intrusive thoughts in the past and normally have good control of my MH but this is absolutely terrifying me.

I am checking constantly to make sure he is breathing and I hold my breath every time I do because I just feel like he won’t be. I almost had a panic attack in the car last week when I couldn’t reach his chest to make sure he was still breathing. When I receive gifts of 3-6 month old clothes I immediately have the thought that he won’t be able to wear them because he won’t be here. I have even started to regularly check on my 2 year old again in bed more so than I did before to make sure he is also breathing.

evenings and nights are the worst - I am pushing myself to stay up and awake most nights so that I’m the one who is doing night feeds (I made the decision to give up breastfeeding as it was additional pressure that I wasn’t coping with on top of this anxiety) because I feel like my hubby will fall asleep and kill him. Hubby knows I feel this way and I am constantly asking for reassurance every-time I leave him with baby that he won’t fall asleep or lie on the sofa with him.

I just feel so helpless - it feels like the only thing that will make me feel better is if someone can guarantee 100% my little one won’t die and I know this is impossible. This is my last baby and I want to be able to relax and enjoy these newborn weeks (no matter how sleep deprived) GP and midwife are aware of my struggles, I’ve been on medication in the past but haven’t been in 6 years, don’t want to go back on it. Just want to be able to calm myself down

any advice or words of wisdom are welcome

[ThisAngelWearsPrada]

Hi OP,

It’s very common for all parents to have random intrusive thoughts occasionally but yours sounds more often than that. Does seem like you’ve developed PPA.

It’s definitely worth speaking to your doctor. They should be able to help you manage and address them.

Sending you love

[peachgreen]

Honestly, and with kindness: go back on the medication. I suffered for so long because I didn’t want to try it. I was scared that if I wasn’t anxious, the terrible things I was anxious about would happen because I wouldn’t be there to prevent it. Medication changed my life and even when a terrible thing did happen – DH died very suddenly – my brain chemistry was normal and allowed me to process in a rational, normal way. A life without anxiety is bliss, OP, I promise. What you’re feeling now doesn’t have to continue.