Does this sound right to you or PND?

[ItsVeryHyacinthBucket]

SIL has had anxiety issues since having two losses and since carried her newborn healthy baby to term, delivered by C-Section a week ago.

Since then she has:

• not left the house (saying she can’t move because of the c-section)
• wont allow any visitors other than the grandparents who have visited twice for very short time
• was furious the grandparents “didn’t help” (they cleaned the house, washed up and did a supermarket shop)
• was furious her DH (my DB) accidentally walked into the house with shoes on
• thinks her baby is “ugly”
• has not named the baby

No photos have been sent of the new baby apart from a pic announcing her birth. Upside is feeding is going well apparently.

Any clues tips or advice how to approach this? I obviously haven’t seen or spoken to her as she is avoiding everything. DB sounds like a wreck, really flat, no joy. Just keeps repeating “things are difficult”…

[ItsVeryHyacinthBucket]

Anyone? I really want to help her if I can.

[Eachpeachpears]

Ok so I'm going to guess you don't have children. Having your first child is hard and a huge huge shock. They come out practically nocturnal and recovering from a c section at the same time is going to be horrific for her.

Not leaving the house at this stage is probably sensible if she doesn't feel up to it.

Lack of visitors is also absolutely understandable as is the no pictures. Her baby, her rules.
She's clearly very tired, in pain, a d is expected to keep a human alive while also apparently being tickety boo for you...

The only alarming part for me is the lack of name but if she's suffered previous losses I can imagine she didn't think it would actually happen until baby actually arrived so understandable in the circumstances.

There's not a lot you can do other than make sure she knows you're there for her and then back off until she's ready.

[Davidsdead01]

Definitely don’t crowd her, give her space and let her know you’re there if she needs anything at all. Doesn’t sound like pnd at all, just a recovering mum

[ItsVeryHyacinthBucket]

Thanks for your responses. I’m not being demanding at all. It’s her second baby (also by C-section) and she was really open and welcoming to visitors then. This behaviour is new and a change for her, hence my concern. Sorry should have said this was her second baby in the original post.

[ItsVeryHyacinthBucket]

And yes I have 2 kids and totally appreciate you just want your new baby cocoon and recovery but to me that’s in a balance with visitors (well, grandparents and family) from the bonds and joy you get with them both. It’s a week on. I just think something’s off and it’s making me worry for her.

[LoveAHamSandwhich]

Give her a break. She's only one week post partum. Loads of hormones sloshing around, right in the middle of the baby blues.

I didn't go out for two weeks after birth - you really don't have to! After two days of visits we shut it down, just needed to be us.

[ItsVeryHyacinthBucket]

But I’m not on her case? I want to support her. I haven’t chased them or demanded a visit, I’m just noticing a pattern in what’s happening. Is it really normal to think your baby is ugly and not give it a name? I also want to meet my niece while she’s still newborn if I’m honest! Is that really terrible of me?

[LoveAHamSandwhich]

Yeah, thought you might be feeling a bit pushed out. It's not about you, OP.

[ItsVeryHyacinthBucket]

I know. I do know that.

[bracemyselfagain]

Had my CS just under 3w ago ... and I'm still not feeling up to visitors or outings - I barely even want to look at my phone most days.

Baby didn't have a confirmed name for 2w either; and even now we've decided on one, we haven't announced it despite all the questions from people.

Nothing will ever be the same again. Not in a bad way at all!!! It's just hard coming to terms with it all, that's a big pill to swallow - along with feeling like I've been hit by a damn train!
Not being able to do anything at all; when you're so used to doing almost everything is a hard comedown.

I don't think it's fair for you to assume she's struggling with PND - a little judgemental actually. Give her time.

[LoveAHamSandwhich]

Where do you get this "Thinks her baby is ugly" thing from? Have you spoken to her? Did she say that?

Or did your dear bro report that she said the baby is a bit squished, or something? Did he tell you the thing about the shoes too?

[Olika]

Sounds like an exhausted mum with a newborn and older kid to take care of.

[ItsVeryHyacinthBucket]

My bro told me she was saying they bay was ugly, yes. I didn’t hear it from her directly. And he’s told me about the shoes also yes. I don’t have a reason to disbelieve him?

I guess it’s all a lot more normal than it feels then, thanks for the reassurance. I’m really not coming from a place of judgement or pushing at all. Just curious and hoping to be of help or support at some stage, I guess.

[bracemyselfagain]

@ItsVeryHyacinthBucket

My bro told me she was saying they bay was ugly, yes. I didn’t hear it from her directly. And he’s told me about the shoes also yes. I don’t have a reason to disbelieve him?

I guess it’s all a lot more normal than it feels then, thanks for the reassurance. I’m really not coming from a place of judgement or pushing at all. Just curious and hoping to be of help or support at some stage, I guess.

Wait for her to come to you.
It's only been a week ...

[Ginandjuice57884]

Some babies are ugly to be fair 😂

[CourtneyB123]

The answer to your question I think yes sounds like PND, though her hormones are understandably all over the place so perhaps she needs some more time to see if things get better/worse before looking at intervention. I couldn't bare to look at my 2nd child, didn't want to hold him, hated tending to him I was really unwell. So I think you're doing the right thing by reaching out but maybe grant her her wishes at this time and see how it unfolds? Maybe see if your brother will keep you updated if necessary and take it from there. X

[LoveAHamSandwhich]

So your brother's telling you all this stuff? About his wife who's only just had major abdominal surgery, and a baby?

Maybe he's the one struggling.

[LoveAHamSandwhich]

Is he a bit tired because he's having to look after their toddler?

[ttcttc]

I'd give her time

I had a baby in October and honestly, some days I still feel hopeless.

I barely left the house for a month after the section (to be fair I had a lot of problems with it)

I also didn't have a name for baby until he was born.

I felt (and still do sometimes) that I've not bonded with baby and I thought it was the section but it I'm being totally honest I think I had a lot of anxiety when I was pregnant because I'd lost one previously. I had this overwhelming fear baby was going to be stillborn and I think looking back I hadn't bonded during pregnancy.

I also had awful baby blues and midwife thought I had pnd. I was crying all the time, brave face when people were around but on my own ... awful. I was arguing with partner (for less than shoes in the house) and wanted to kill him!

My point is, you don't know what's going on in her head. It might be something, might be nothing. Give her time

[ItsVeryHyacinthBucket]

@LoveAHamSandwhich

So your brother's telling you all this stuff? About his wife who's only just had major abdominal surgery, and a baby?

Maybe he's the one struggling.

Yes and so he deserves kindness and support as well? He looks after their toddler most of the time anyway, even before the baby was born, he’s the primary carer. So this is nothing new.

@ttcttc i hope you feel better these days, thank you for sharing your story xx

[LoveAHamSandwhich]

@ItsVeryHyacinthBucket

Yes and so he deserves kindness and support as well? He looks after their toddler most of the time anyway, even before the baby was born, he’s the primary carer. So this is nothing new.

@ttcttc i hope you feel better these days, thank you for sharing your story xx

I'm sensing a bit more history between you and your SIL than you are letting on.