3 month old interaction

[Mumtobe202310]

Hi Mumsnetters, hope you all and your LOs are doing well.

I am a first time mum and have a 3 month old baby.

I have had a complete smooth pregnancy physically but mentally a tough one. I had anxiety and ocd and even irrational thoughts during pregnancy.

Birth was very short (3hr and 43 mins) water breaking to baby on me but very fast which I found traumatic. When I reached hospital in 10 mins being there I was 6cm and they could see baby's head. I was on gas and air and during pushing stage this was taken off me cos it made me that tired. During placenta delivery, the midwife put her hand inside me to 'check for clotting' the pain was unbearable even though I was on gas and air. I felt violated.During my debrief they just said no this wouldn't have happened it was probably her fingers but felt like that because you had just given birth and it's still all wobbly there. In my head I still think I was on gas and air and high. I wasn't dead so know what I felt. So the placenta part was the worst part of birth hands down for me.

I developed PND from this birth trauma.

Relationship with husband was also extremely difficult and I also had family problems. There have been tough times with husband during the last few weeks of pregnancy too which led me to cry a lot.

My boy bless him, Alhamdulillah (thank God) he is healthy and recovering from bronchiolitis. I really struggled the past few months with sleep etc and my mental health. I done the basics such as feed him and nappy changes etc and bath etc and also I used to do black and white visual cards with him but I'm upset thinking what if he realised all of this sadness and anxiety inside me and also outside of me? I'm starting to think it affected him as my husband said yesterday 'have you realised he doesn't like eye contact?' thing is he does make eye contact sometimes and also smiles aswell but a lot of the time if I am in his face talking, he will avoid it and look elsewhere.

I also realised the other day that when he woke up in the morning, he was just king in his bassinet for 10 mins chewing his hands (his chewing of hands is a habit that started suddenly at 2 and a half months). He didn't cry straight away, he was just trying to chew his hands and when he got frustrated from it, he then cried. He also sometimes just lies there looking around but will not move or make noise. This all made me concerned because it made me feel like did I not meet his needs initial months properly that he feels he needs to just self soothe? Because I always thought babies cry straight away because they need their mum, I feel like does my child not want me straight away? Sounds silly but it does make me really upset.

I'm just worried about his interaction now suddenly. Any advice will be much appreciated.

[bakewellbride]

Sorry for your experience. Honestly you are over thinking it. Baby doesn't really know what's going on and will be fine. Just do your best and try not to worry.

I had a truly hellish first 11 months with dd and trust me was an absolute mess. As a baby she saw me sob my heart out many times and in December 2022 I nearly had a mental health crisis. I was in a really bad way. After 11 months she stated sleeping better and everything clicked into place. I got better. Dd is nearly 2 now and the happiest most content thing you've ever seen. We have an incredible bond and her favourite thing is running up to me with her arms open wide saying 'huggy!' complete with big smile.

Everything will be ok

[bloodyhellKen22]

Hello OP.
Firstly, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. The first few months are so, so hard. I'd maybe suggest going to see your go or chatting to your HV about how you're feeling as they can offer a range of things to get you feeling more like yourself again. I benefited from talking therapy after my DD was born and it helped so much.

As for your DC behaviour, it all sounds very normal and you sound like a loving and caring mum even if you don't feel like it. My DD used to lay in her cot for a while without making noise and still does! Also, the chewing is a developmental thing and completely normal. You've not done any harm to your baby, so please don't worry about that.

[bloodyhellKen22]

Just to add, it gets so much better and they start to interact more and more. My DD is 18m now and although she's starting to become an awkward toddler, she's so much fun and always making us laugh.

It will all be ok!

[IWillBeWaxingAnOwl]

Lying happily chewing his hand is 10000% normal. They love their hands! He's investigating them and also how his mouth feels. Totally fine to leave them when they are happy.

You could ask your GP for a referral to process your birth trauma - postpartum women are a priority referral group for mental health services.

To continue building a good bond talk to him (narrate what you are doing, tell him about his hands and face etc), sing, poems, touch him (hugs, massage, tickles), respond when he cries for you.

[ChaosAndCrumbs]

Just wanted to say, I have a similar reaction to gas and air and saw a midwife punch me. I knew it couldn’t have happened and took the gas and air straight out, but wanted to reassure you these reactions are less discussed than the giggly side some people get but are totally normal. I always feel very anxious after gas and air and unsettled for a day or so after.

With your lovely baby, I wouldn’t worry. Some babies self-soothe better than others, just like some love a sling and others hate them or some are happy in a bath from very early and others loathe it. Keep going, keep putting him on your lap and chatting to him, never force eye contact but encourage it with talk and smiles as I’m sure you are doing. It sounds like your doing really well (even though it sometimes feels hard to see when you’re in it) and I would say doing b&w cards is extra compared to the basics. 🙂 Plenty of babies don’t make lots of babbling or gurgling sounds while playing, they’re just taking things in and learning about the world and themselves.

[Roxinsox]

I also have a little boy who turned 3 months old at the beginning of January. He also started chewing his hands at around the same time you mentioned and I have attributed this to him being at the beginning stages of teething, which is totally normal at that age. Plus he seems to really like to chew his fingers to get him to sleep. These types of self soothing behaviours are normal, and actually a really healthy sign that your baby is learning how to soothe himself, which is a vital skill for a baby.

Also, try not to worry too much about the eye contact. Babies will hold eye contact with you, and others but then they look away when they need a break from that type of stimulation. It's completely fine, just let him look away and do his own thing, and when he does look at you just focus on having a nice little moment together. There really is nothing more worrying going on in those situations. I understand where you are coming from, because I have struggled with anxiety and depression all through pregnancy, and I'm still battling with it now. When he doesn't settle I worry it's because I've passed on all my anxiety to him. The fact that you blame yourself, or are worried about these things just shows what an attentive and caring mother you are, which is exactly what a baby needs! Give yourself a break, being a new mum is incredibly hard.

I don't think we talk about the trauma of all the other things we go through during pregnancy and labour enough. I did IVF, and had three failed inductions before a C-section. I was in hospital for a week and every day I had a different person putting their hands inside me. It was so incredibly painful, and completely dehumanising. The last time I was examined the doctor shoved his hand inside me so hard my whole body was pushed up the bed. What you have described sounds horrendous, I remember something similar happened to my sister with her placenta and she said it was the most painful experience of her life. What you have gone through is not a small thing. Give yourself credit and kindness. Above all, babies are resilient, and the more you talk to people the more you realise that all women struggle and we all feel like everything is our fault. You are not alone. But your baby is and will be fine. X