Wanting to give my baby up for adoption

[Elliela]

11 days ago I gave birth to my son, I spent two days in hospital afterwards due to having an emergency c section, while in hospital I felt nervous being a first time mum but happy, since coming home I've been feeling steadily worse everyday, from just being tearful to desperately wanting to give up my baby for adoption and even pleading with my husband to let me give up the baby, I feel almost no connection to my son at all and I've been feeling like I can't do this and that I don't want to be a mother now, my husband and parents have gotten involved and arranged for me to see my GP who prescribed me antidepressants, I know they can take weeks to fully work but at the minute I can't stop thinking about how I desperately just want to give my baby up, despite it being a planned pregnancy and making the decision to become parents, I felt good and excited during pregnancy and now so suddenly I feel the worst I've ever felt to the point of just wanting to stay in bed, my husband is doing most of the caring for the baby and my parents and are helping out, my husband keeps reassuring me that giving him up is not the best thing and I'd thank him for not letting me do that in a few months, but right now this is how I feel, can anyone give me advice/reassurance on this?

I think you just need to take all of the support and help you can get op. You really don’t sound like someone who has genuinely changed their mind about wanting their baby, I’m assuming the doctor has diagnosed pnd? Has anything else been arranged apart from medication (which will be a godsend once it’s working), such as counselling? It sounds like you’ve got a really good support system around you. Is your husband staying off work at the moment?

You're not getting enough support OP, can your husband ring 111 - it sounds like you need an urgent referral to the perinatal mental health team. You will get through this, one day this phase will just be an awful memory, take it day by day

It's postnatal depression. It's really common for mothers to not feel like they have a bond straight away. This will develop gradually. I think your husband is right, you'll thank him later. You're going to love and cherish that little baby so much soon. Perceiver with treatment from the GP and plod on. Don't blame yourself. Look after yourself. It sounds like you have a fantastic husband so sleep and rest when you can. Don't pressure yourself to feel a certain way. It won't be easy, but you'll get there. It may not feel like it to you but I bet you're a great mum ❤️

@Elliela I felt like this. I vividly remember Googling whether I could give my son away without his dad's permission.

As the PP said, please accept any and all help you're given. I didn't and I regret it as I might have got better from my PND a lot sooner than I did.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It really is horrible :(

You wouldn't be able to give your baby up for adoption, as your husband would not agree to it and he would then be 100% responsible for the baby if you did not want to be involved.

I think you're latching on to the idea because of the symptoms you are experiencing due to the PND that you have been diagnosed with. You will recover from that with help and time so please do try to take all the help offered and try not to give yourself a hard time over what you are feeling.

@Elliela this is PND and not you I promise.
You need to speak to your midwife if you’re still under them or your Gp again, your DH can do this for you.
Not everyone has overwhelming feelings of love for their babies at first sight. We did a straw poll amongst friends and more than half said it took a few weeks for that love to kick on, apart from wanting to care for them obviously.

If everyone else is helping with care, make sure it’s care that helps you to bond. So let them change their nappy and make you food and do the cleaning, let them make the bottle if you are bottle feeding but don’t let them do the feeds even if they think it’s helping. So you still do the feed with a bottle and baby passed to you. Strip them down to their nappy and you the bra and feed with skin to skin and cuddle them under a blanket to help with the hormones. Somethings people can think they’re helping doing all the care to help you but taking over what you need. So they need to let you bind and bring you food/drinks/do the housework etc to help.

But first things, talk to someone else about it. You sound like a fantastic person reaching out.

I felt exactly the same when DD was born. I did not wish her harm and went through the motions of care, but I'd have given her away in an instant if I could have. As pps said, it's not you, it's pnd. It will get better - it will take time, but it will get better. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.

It’s completely understandable you’re struggling right now. Having a baby can be a huge overwhelming change and your body is full of hormones.

Feeling better might seem impossible and far away so focus on bitesize chunks of getting by. If you want to stay in bed, stay in bed a bit. If your DH and parents can continue to look after baby, great - let them. You just need to keep going forward, one day at a time, and things always get better.

You may feel really strongly about adoption right now but you can’t do that without your DH being on board so park that for now. If you genuinely still feel that way when your anti-depressants kick in and the PND lifts, you can have that conversation with him again. I don’t think you will but there’s no time limit on surrendering your child.

This is pnd. I had it when my son was born, and I didn't feel love for him, but I cared in some ways and wished him so harm, if someone had offered to take him I would have likely said yes. The feelings will go away, I promise. You just need a lot of support around you. Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. You can't help it, be kind to yourself, the feelings will pass. You will feel that love ❤️

No harm *
Not so harm!

Love is something which grows. We don't turn into natural loving mothers overnight. It takes time and effort.
You are probably very afraid of not being good enough and feel overwhelmed. This is perfectly normal. It happens to alot of new mothers.

Get as much help as possible. Don't isolate yourself . See your GP. Try to go outside everyday for a short walk, this will be good for your mental health as well as physical.

Be good to and patient with yourself! Becoming a mother is a like a brand new job you were never trained for and suddenly you are the CEO!

Good luck and much happiness. One day you will look back at this time and smile at the brand new mother you were. ;)

Put the adoption thing out of your mind. It’s not happening because your husband would have to surrender his parental rights too and even if he did, your parents would then be approached for kinship care, which it seems like they would be prepared to provide.
So, your choice is to leave your whole family or to stay and put the effort into sorting out your post partum depression. I’d recommend at least trying for the second option.
It’s not your fault you’re feeling like this. And it will get better. It’s a temporary reaction to the hormonal shifts, lack of sleep, possibly the trauma of birth, and just the emotional enormity of what you’ve just done. It’s great that you’ve seen the gp and you’re starting some treatment. The drugs will help, but do go back and talk to the gp if they make you feel weird or you have thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby (beyond the odd fleeting intrusive thought).
While you’re waiting for your mood to stabilize and improve: Look after yourself; lean on your parents and your husband; and help to look after your baby. It doesn’t matter if it feels fake. It’s never fake for your baby. That real and concrete care that you put in (feeding, soothing, changing nappies, giving baths) is what is going to help you baby build their bond with you. And then soon they will start smiling back at you and interacting which will help you bond with them.
You are not alone is feeling detached and jot connected to your newborn baby. Many mums experience this. Sometimes it’s a sign of postpartum depression (which definitely seems to be a factor for you), and sometimes it’s just that it takes time for the weirdness of being responsible for a tiny helpless new person to wear off and for that bond to grow.
You also don’t have to be ´mum’ all day everyday. If you need to take off alone and just be you now and then for a bit - half an hour, half a day, a whole weekend even - you can leave your baby with your husband or your parents and they will be fine when you come back again.
Being a good parent is about getting most of it right most of the time. And this baby has two parents and loving involved grandparents. It’s okay if you’re not doing a perfect job. If your baby is fed, clean, warm and spoken to, they will be fine. If you are doing some of that care, then you and baby will form a bond.

This is such a good and kind response.

OP I felt similarly to you around day 10/11 and made a mumsnet post at the time. I didn't want to give my LO up for adoption but I did think everything would be better if I just ran away and left my baby and DH to it. I vividly remember sobbing in bed wondering what was wrong with me (much wanted pregnancy also) and thinking I must be the worst mother to ever exist and that I'd failed my baby already (I wasn't, I'm not and I hadn't!). I'd also had an emergency section and really fixated on that and felt a bit traumatised by it all. I found talking through what had happened really helpful. My feelings cleared as the hormones cleared and I found my feet and a few weeks on I barely remember how bad I felt. I do feel sad now looking back and wish I'd treated myself with as much kindness and support as those around me fortunately did. I got wonderful comments from mumsnetters that really helped me move on, and I hope this thread will help you too.

However, it does sound like you are feeling worse than I did so please do ensure that people know how you are feeling and that you are getting as much support as possible. PND is very serious but it is also treatable, and the help is out there. I'm so glad your parents and DH are caring for the baby. You need a break. You've grown your lovely baby and already been a parent for (assuming around!) 9 months. Allow yourself to step back, rest and recover. Don't have any expectations on how you should feel towards your son. He's a tiny stranger really. You'll get to know each other. You obviously love him to care for his future and to write this post. Now show him the ultimate love by truly loving and being kind to yourself. As they say 'put your own oxygen mask on first'! Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more

Oh OP I want to give you a hug. This is almost certainly PND, and it's horrible. All you can do is accept all the help out there and take it one day at a time.

I had real trouble bonding with my DC when he was a baby. I don't think I really loved him properly until he was about 8 weeks old. In fact I remember when he was 2 weeks old reading a similar thread to this one in tears and thinking, "but they don't understand, I just can't do it, I just don't have those feelings in me". It passed, our bond grew, and by the time he was 3 months old I loved him more than aything in the universe combined.

Try and take ten minutes every 6 hours or so to connect with your baby. Choose a time when he's fed and happy, even asleep. Hold him, really look at him, give him your finger to hold, brush your cheek against his hair, smell his head (sounds weird but there are strong scent activated hormones!), stroke his arms, say his name outloud. You could do a baby massage. When I was struggling to connect with my baby I found that it was tied to me feeling anxious and stressed all the time, and forcing myself to have small chunks of time to focus on enjoying him really helped me to forge that bond for real.

I've told this story before on MN, but in DC's first week I used to lie in bed in the dark with DC asleep next to me and tears rolling down my face, and genuinely attempt to turn back time with the powers of my mind to before I was pregnant. I was so convinced that I was a terrible mother and had made an awful mistake that in my weird depressed sleep deprived state I thought I had a better chance of achieving time travel than bonding with my baby and being a good mum.

You would never know it now. DC is 4, he's brilliant, I'm not perfect as a mum but I'm his mum and I love him and it's enough. You will get there too. Be kind yourself in the meantime, accept all the help you can.

My late mum said she felt that way with me. There was very little help with or recognition of PND at the time (I am now in my late 50s) and she said she felt so alone. She found it hard to describe her feelings but said that although she would never have hurt me, if someone had come along and offered to take me away she would have said yes.

So awful for her and for you. Please do listen to all the advice given here by women who have felt just as you do now. It WILL get better, you WILL fall in love with your baby, but for now you are very unwell and need help ❤️

@Elliela How are you today? ❤️

My partner and I genuinely looked up how to put our daughter up for adoption at a similar point.
The first 4 months of her life were a blur of tears and screaming from both me and the baby. I had psychosis that told me she wasn't real so I struggled to connect with her and bond as she wasn't real. She had undiagnosed severe reflux and food allergies which caused 16-20h of crying a day

Today I'm happy and have a beautiful 3 year old.

Today is a dark day, tomorrow night be too but you will come through this. Do reach out to your GP or HV and find out if you qualify for a referral to the perinatal mental team. They were very helpful.

My HV was able to put me in touch with a peer support group that was helpful and they offered listening appointments too where they came to see me and not baby. They also referred me to an infant parenting service and I had VIG therapy which is a play therapy with my daughter.

Today is a dark day but these will pass. You will see the light again