Second child coming - really struggling

[LittleBeansMum]

I am 11 weeks pregnant with my second child - happily married and planned and had always wanted a sibling for DD (4).

Up until last week, I felt so nauseous and tired and low, I was practically useless. My DH was amazing - he really picked up the slack. I remember from when my DD was born feeling totally wiped until more or less week 13 so I have been hanging on thinking "when the second trimester hits, it'll all get better" but now I've had a few sickness-free days now and sleeping a bit more normally I don't actually feel that poorly poorly... but I am still feeling like I just want to hide. I don't want to play with my DD. I just want to be alone in my room with a book or my phone. I literally want to just keep living like I am still sick even though I haven't been sick for a few days.

I've tried to talk to my DH and he thinks it's just going to take me a while to recover from having been so poorly but the truth is I have started panicking that we made the wrong decision trying for another one and so I just want to be alone all the time - doing literally nothing. I know it's not fair on my DH keeping cooking, doing all my usual bits and bobs as well as his usual stuff and I know my daughter is missing me - but it's not connecting with me emotionally. I don’t feel anything about that except guilt and fear.

It's a long story but the short version is: we always wanted another one, we were trying and had to stop, then when it was possible for us to try again, I didn't feel able to "take my foot off the brake pedal" to get started again as I was so scared. So I left it up to my husband whether or not we tried again - it took us a while last time (not ages, just a few months) so after he had really thought about it and we'd talked it over, I thought I was going to have a while to feel ready and that a few negative pregnancy tests would help me get my head into gear and that I'd just be naturally pleased when it happened....then it happened really quickly. I was thrilled at first- but by about week 6, I started to panic, feel sick, feel overwhelmed and wonder if I've made the right decision.

I am totally failing as a wife and mum but literally have no desire to get up and do anything about it. If this was first trimester blues - it would have gone with the nausea and tiredness so I'm scared it's here to stay.

Everyone is so thrilled for us, I don't know how to tell them I am feeling so sad.

I just wanted to write that down.

[TrailingLoellia]

Hi OP. Many women suffer from mental health struggles while they are pregnant, so you are not alone. I suggest you speak to your midwife or the GP about how you have been feeling and how you have been isolating yourself. Was your first birth traumatic? If so, it is possible that you might be experiencing a bit of post traumatic stress and anxiety at the thought of another childbirth.

[LittleBeansMum]

Thankyou for responding.
No the birth with DD wasn't traumatic - and she was a very chilled newborn as well.

I had an accident last summer which affected my mobility for a long time (which is why we had to stop trying) and although I'm up at about and walking now, I am pretty slow and unsteady at times and I can't run or jump or chase anymore and I find things like going up and down stairs a bit more difficult and am needing some help getting a car that I can drive again.

I remember how active I needed to be with a newborn and toddler and although we have always wanted another child, and I'm thrilled to bits we are having one, I just feel terrified at the thought of having to cope with two children and a painful leg and limited "getting about" time. I have been so tearful that I just want to be alone all the time.

I have this voice in my head reminding me I only have a few more months with my daughter before the baby arrives and I really need to make the most of it, but I just want to hide. I am so scared we've made a mistake.

[TrailingLoellia]

That must be really difficult, OP. Have you spoken to your partner about your fears for coping/minding a baby then active toddler plus an older child? It doesn’t seem fair for him to expect you to do everything you did for your older DD given your injuries from the accident? He would need to pick up a lot of it or find a way to hire a mother’s help to assist in the home.

There is no shame in saying to him that some support needs to be in place for you.

Have you had trauma counselling for the accident? It might help you to navigate this as well.

[LittleBeansMum]

To be fair, DH has been brilliant and he would do anything and everything I needed and he's been great at listening this past few weeks since I've started to feel scared. I think it's just me coping with the fact I can't do everything I want to.

I want to be able to go on the trampoline park with them, I want to chase them through soft-play as they learn how to climb, I want to be able to chase them down the hall while they giggle, I want to go on the water slide with them, I want to play silly Black Lace songs and charge about the living room etc.

I don't want to be thinking "I'd better grab that toy when I'm next upstairs" - I want to just run up the stairs and grab it.

Sorry - even just typing that is so hard.

DH says there are loads of fantastic parents and grandparents who can't do those things (and he's right) and not to focus on the things I can't do now. They can have those experiences with others and still have a wonderful relationship with me - but my relationship with DD was active and busy (and tiring!) and I just don't know how it's going to look this time now I don't have the same ability.

If I have a 'I'm having a bad leg day - I don't feel up to doing much" type of day and DH is at work - it will be hard to feel stuck inside if number 2 is having a whiny day.

We discussed all this before we started trying and so I must have come to terms with it before, I guess...but it was hypothetical then and it feels very real now.

[TrailingLoellia]

It will look different that is to be sure, but it won’t change how much the new child loves you and wants to be with you. Too, the child will have an older sibling to play tag and run around with so you will be able to get breaks from the active part while still being present and participating.

It is hard coping with reminders of what you have lost. If you can find trauma counselling that would help as you could rage and cry all you want about the accident too which will lessen the therapist role your DH is doing. He sounds so very supportive and understanding which is really really good for you and the children.

It understandable to struggle with coping with this. It’s no small thing. There is no schedule. There is no right way to handle it. I think you are doing the best thing by being self aware as to why you feel this way and also talking about it.

[LittleBeansMum]

Thank you so much. I really hope this passes off with the other first trimester nasties but if not, I will book an appointment. Thankyou for listening 🫂x

[coulditbe2323]

Hi @LittleBeansMum how are you doing now? I am 6.5 weeks with my second and all I feel is regret. Im so nauseous all the time & just wana be alone in bed too. I really hope it passes. I keep looking up on 'termination' even though I know I'd never go through it😩😥 how far along are you now? Xx